


Lovesick Baker

by Fangirling_FTW



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bisexual Castiel, Coming Out, Denial of Feelings, Destiel - Freeform, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Grieving Castiel, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Past Character Death, Phone Sex, Slow Build, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Supernatural- AU, i love fluff too much, i'll add as i go - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-03-29 02:11:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 57,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3878398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirling_FTW/pseuds/Fangirling_FTW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you get told not to do something, you desperately want it, no matter what they said.<br/>When you fall in love at first sight, you convince yourself it's not real and move on.<br/>When you finally let it go, you'll find it's because you're holding on too tight to something else.<br/>When they say I love you for the first time, you realize it was all worth it.</p><p>AU Fic where Castiel and Charlie own an internet cafe, and Dean, the local bad boy who's been gone for a year and a half rolls back into town.</p><p>Be sure to leave me some comments, let me know what you guys think!!</p><p>Also be sure to give my other fics a read!! XD</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Invasion of the Nerd Haven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, my Cas POV fic! Still very much a work in progress, but hopefully I'll update quickly :)

It was a manageable breakfast crowd that morning, which Castiel was thankful for. His business partner and co worker, Charlie, had called and bailed on her opening shift, saying she had a family emergency and couldn't make it in.  That meant it was just him manning the front counter and the register, with Benny in the back on the grill.  There was a comic convention that weekend a few cities over, he probably had that to thank for the slow morning crowd.  The Nerd Haven, a comic shop/ internet cafe hybrid that Castiel and Charlie had come up with was dependent on the gamers and overall geek population for their business, and that business was usually booming.  That morning only a few kids were in the shop, all on their computers, and all having already gotten their food.  It left Castiel a few minutes respite to get some coffee brewed.  
Charlie had always wanted to open her own 'emporium of geek' as she was fond of calling her half of their business venture, and Castiel happened to be good at baking. Apparently very good, considering the feedback from their customers and the number they'd seen in the year they'd been open.  It had gone better than Castiel could have imagined, and he knew he had Charlie to thank for that.  It was her idea to combine their two ideas into one, initially to save money and time, and now it made life better for both of them.  Charlie was so full of excitement and spunk, she made up for Castiel’s business sense and measured calm.  No matter that they were both adults and owned a business together, Charlie would always be like a little kid to Castiel.

This he was starkly reminded of when he heard her voice coming from the door when she wasn't supposed to be there at all.  
"Dean!! Not here, I told you-"  
"Yeah, well I told you I was fine, no matter what Sam said."  Castiel turned from prepping the coffee to see Charlie chasing some guy into their shop, her long red hair that usually fell into nice waves around her pale skin done up in a rather hasty ponytail.  Castiel stopped what he was doing and stared when he turned his attention to the man she was tailing.  This wasn’t just 'some' guy.  He had a confidence in his step, and as he approached the counter, Castiel got lost in his face, bright green eyes, a dusting of freckles across his nose, and those lips...  
"Sorry, Castiel, I can explain this," Charlie was stammering, pulling at the man’s arm, and having little to no affect on him.  
"Charlie, what's going on?" Castiel asked, turning his gaze to her after ripping it off the man, Dean she had called him.  She gave up with the tugging and crossed her arms, completely embarrassed.  
"Castiel, this is Dean Winchester, the reason I'm missing work today. Dean meet Castiel Novak. My business partner." She aimed an angry stare in Dean's direction but he ignored her, shaking Castiel's hand, a small smile tugging at his lip.

"Nice to meet you Cas," he said, and Castiel blinked at the nickname.  Dean's voice was deep and warm, but by the tone he could tell he was annoyed with Charlie.  "I'm told you have pie, and I could use some with the day I've had.”  His comment was aimed at Charlie, but it was all bluster, Cas could see the affection underneath it.

"Best in town," Charlie declared with a nervous grin, obviously trying to keep Castiel from getting mad at her for bailing on him then showing up anyway.  Castiel forgot for a moment he was technically working, and snapped out of his daze.

“I make it myself, actually.  Today we have apple and pear,” Castiel said, walking over to the bakery case to point.  Dean appraised them both, and Castiel found himself staring again, the line of his jaw, his eyes tracing the curve of his shoulders under the flannel shirt he was wearing, admiring the snug t-shirt underneath…

"Pear," he said after a moment.  Castiel pulled out a slice and handed it to Dean.

“Thanks," Dean said dropping the money on the counter and walking away to find a table.  Castiel watched him walk away, enjoying the view, then looked at Charlie, who continued to look extremely embarrassed.

"Look, I'll call you and explain tonight, I promise, but I got a phone call and..." she started but Castiel silenced her with a wave.

"I managed this morning, it's not a big deal," Castiel said, and she grinned in relief.

"You're a true hero, Castiel."  He couldn't help but smile back at her, she tended to have that effect on people.  She wrapped him in a small hug before letting him go to get back to work, running a hand through his eternally flyaway dark brown hair.  As he turned back to the coffee urn, he casually found himself stealing another glance at Dean.  Who was he kidding, it was longer than a glance.

“Who is he anyway?" Castiel asked, watching him from across the room as he ate. The expressions on his face each time he took a bite of pie were slightly indecent, and it was making Castiel feel dirty, so he blushed and looked away.

"He's probably my best friend next to you," she said, slowly noticing the blush on his face. "Oh, no," she sighed.

“What?" Castiel asked, getting defensive, and not sure exactly why.

“You've got that look,” she said, her eyes narrowing as she examined his face.  Castiel busied himself finishing with the coffee, pointedly ignoring her.  Charlie ducked between Castiel and the coffee urn, forcing him to stop what he was doing. "Castiel, I know that look."

“Charlie, it's my face, what look are you talking about?"  He reached around her and grabbed the urn, popping the serving lid on.  He could feel the flush in his cheeks from her persistence.

“No it's the 'holy crap he's hot' look."  She crossed her arms over her chest, her eyebrow raised at him.  Castiel pushed past her with the coffee.

“And why is that a problem?" he shrugged. "I mean, I know women are your thing but, you have to admit..."  He felt the joke fall flat between them.

“Dean is straight, A,” she began, and Castiel wasn't really surprised.  Still, Charlie felt the need to keep going, “and B, he's not exactly the dating type either. I mean, I love him like a brother, but he's got issues.  He's your stereotypical 'love em and leave em' kinda guy." Castiel rolled his eyes.  Charlie was a good three years younger than him, yet she still found ways to mother him incessantly.

"Well, like you said, he's straight, so if I'm just admiring from a distance, what's the harm in that?"  Before she could say anything to rebut him Dean came back to the counter.  Castiel stepped around Charlie back towards the register.

"Dude, your pie: better than sex.  I'll be coming back for more."  He gave Castiel a small smirk.

“Thanks," Castiel said, meeting those green eyes again, feeling his cheeks burn in spite of himself.  Dean waved at Charlie.

“C'mon, babysitter.  Let's go tell Sam I'm not drinking myself into a stupor."  Charlie ducked out from behind the counter to chase after Dean as he walked towards the door.  She paused after a few steps.

"I will be talking to you about this," she said sternly before she chased after Dean.  Castiel stood there for a moment, staring at the table Dean had just vacated, blinking like a deer in the headlights.

_What in the hell had just happened?_

Hannah came in to close the shop a few hours later, smiling brightly at Castiel as she slipped past him to put her purse away and grab an apron.  She was pretty, but she had a habit of taking things a bit too seriously, which made her ideal to close the shop, but made her ill conceived attempts at getting Castiel to take her out a few months back fall flat.  Castiel managed to let her down gently, and they were able to maintain a working relationship.  He gave her a basic rundown of how the day had gone before he walked outside, taking just a few steps to the next door over from their main entrance, climbing the stairs behind it.  

He rented an apartment in the same building as the cafe, it saved him some money on rent and saved him the need for a car.  Also he was close to the office if anything was needed of him outside business hours.  He tended to take care of the more adult side of the cafe, like finances and inventory, leaving Charlie to the creative side, which effectively made him the manager of sorts.  He unlocked and opened the door to his apartment, kicking off his shoes and heading straight for the shower to wash the layer of bakery stickiness off.  As the warm water washed the sugar off his skin, his mind started to wander.

It wandered straight back to the green eyes and attitude filled smirk of Dean Winchester. He shook his head as his face swam into his vision again.  This was ridiculous, Castiel hadn't been this 'lust at first sight' about anyone, man or woman, since high school. They had barely even said four sentences to each other, it wasn't like Castiel had much to go on.  Not to mention what Charlie said about his being straight.  After his shower, he found some leftovers in his fridge and sat in his living room, eating his meager dinner and daydreaming about green eyes and freckles.  It wasn't long after that when Charlie called.

“So, I owe you an explanation," she sighed, sounding exhausted.

“What's going on?" Castiel asked softly, genuinely concerned.  It wasn't like her to let her energy level fall this low.

"I’ve told you about him and his brother before, remember?  Dean and Sam took me in a few years back when I was in a bad place, helped me through it.”

"When your mom passed?" That had been about 6 years ago now, before Castiel had met her.  She had talked about them before, but Castiel hadn't made the connection from her stories at the shop.

"Yes.  In doing so they became family, and when family needs you... Sam's at law school right now, up at Stanford, and Dean just kind of... drifted, when Sam left.  He never finished high school, so college wasn't his thing, and he practically raised Sam so once Sam was off at school, Dean really had nothing to do, so he started to just roadtrip everywhere. He'd be gone for months at a time. Get into too many bar fights, get into too much trouble with the cops. Lost track of how many times."

"You never told me about any of that,” Castiel said quietly.

“Not exactly great conversation,” Charlie pointed out.

“What does any of this have to do with this morning?" Castiel asked, taking a deep breath and calling on his patience.  Charlie had a tendency to ramble, which could be endearing at times, but this wasn't one of them.

“Sam called, said he and Dean had a fight about Dean coming home to stay now that Sam was about to graduate.  Not to mention he just had to bail Dean out of holding again, so he figures he's owed some cooperation.  Sam's coming home for the summer and was going to try and set Dean up with a job and all that. Turns out Dean was living with this girl, Lisa, for the past year, and they just split, so he was okay with moving home, just annoyed by Sam.  When Dean gets angry he drinks, and I was supposed to make sure he didn't wander too far.  Sam called and asked me to keep an eye on Dean, make sure he was okay.  Dean, however, doesn't appreciate being 'looked after'.  So he decided to go to my work to spite me when I told him I called in to hang with him..."

"It's okay, Charlie, it is." Castiel interrupted.  If he didn't say anything she was most likely going to continue rambling until he knew this guy's entire life story, which he really felt wasn't his business. "I'm not mad."

"I'll make it up to you, Castiel. Promise." She paused. "And about earlier? In the cafe?" Castiel blushed.

"What about it?"

"It's just...I don't want you to..." Castiel felt his mood sour slightly.

"Charlie, he's attractive, but you said he's straight, right? So what is your problem?"

"People fall for him easily, and then get hurt when he doesn't care, that's my problem."  She snapped.  Castiel laughed.

"Charlie, if he's straight, then you don't have to worry about me falling in love with him."

"Well, do yourself a favor and forget about Dean, ok?"

"Alright, he's forgotten." Castiel wondered for a moment why she was so adamant about Dean, but he shrugged and put it aside.  They talked for a little longer about work before getting off the phone.  Castiel gave up on dinner, tossing what was left and heading into his room to get ready for bed, wondering what could possibly be so bad about Dean Winchester.


	2. A Beautiful Bromance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Cas has been friend-zoned, but never fear!! Things will turn around!!  
> PS: Castiel is really good at lying to himself ;)  
> BETA READ AND UPDATED

Castiel managed after a few days to finally forget about Dean like Charlie wanted, and work for the two of them went back to normal, like nothing had happened.  

At least, for a week he forgot about him.

Just before close one night, Cas was alone in the shop cleaning up, and the bell jingled on the door to the bakery.  Castiel looked up to tell whoever it was they were closing, but the words died in his throat because there was Dean, freckles and everything.  He walked straight up to the counter and Castiel, a small smile playing across his lips, and Castiel had to take a few deep breaths before speaking.

"We're about to close, there's not much left, but let me know if there's anything you'd like."  Dean perused the case for a moment, before grinning and pointing at the last piece of apple pie.

“You still have some pie left, I’ll take that,” he said with a smile.  Castiel nodded and pulled it out, handing it to Dean.  

“You really like pie,” Castiel observed.  Dean shrugged.

“You might say that,” he said casually.  Dean handed him the money for the pie and took a seat at the closest table to the counter, settling in to eat.  Castiel continued cleaning the front counter and wrapping the remaining pastries, and since Benny had already closed up the kitchen a few hours ago, everything else was basically done for the night.  He glanced up and noticed Dean's eyes watching him casually as he worked.  Of course, once Castiel realized he was being watched, everything he did was painfully self conscious.  Before long, he flipped off the counter lights, everything finished, and all Castiel had to do was lock up.  Dean was still nursing his piece of pie, and didn't look like he had any intention of leaving anytime soon, and Castiel began to fidget awkwardly.  When Dean noticed he was just standing there waiting, he waved for him to sit at the table, and for lack of anything else to do Castiel sat, still feeling very awkward, like everything he did was being appraised.

“So, you like the pie?" Castiel asked, trying to make conversation.

"Awesome," Dean said, smiling at him.  “Haven't had some good homemade stuff like this in a while.”  Castiel felt a smile tug at his lips.

"I make all of the pie myself, specifically.  I use honey in each one, no matter the flavor.  Makes it a bit more unique."  Dean stuck the last bit of pie in his mouth, smiling at him through the fork. Castiel flushed slightly, looking anywhere but at those lips.  Why was he here? And why wasn't he leaving? And why was Castiel blushing like a teenager?  Dean placed the fork on the plate, wiping the crumbs from his face with a napkin.

"So, I know you're closing up, but uh..." Dean ran a hand through his dark blonde hair, looking slightly guilty.  "I'll be honest, I'm hiding from Charlie, and I didn't really have anywhere else to go."  He looked up sheepishly, but Castiel just blinked, confused both why he was hiding and what it had to do with him.

"But why...?"  He felt his head tilt to the side when he asked the question, an odd habit he'd picked up as a kid.

"Why is a grown man hiding from a tiny geek?" Dean laughed.  It was a beautiful sound, full of a surprising warmth, and it made Castiel smile. "That's a very good question,” he sighed, considered the answer as he examined a spot on the table. "Probably because she hasn't given me five minutes to myself since I got back, and I can't deal with it anymore,” he said softly.  Castiel was still utterly confused, and his face must have shown it because Dean looked up at him and sighed.  "I have a bad track record, with relationships and booze, and combining the two. I just got out of a relationship, and my brother and Charlie are waiting for the other shoe to drop."  Castiel nodded, Charlie’s story falling into place.

"Charlie mentioned you just left someone.  She introduced me to Sam a few months ago, too, when he was back from school for a little while.  He seemed a very genuine person.  They both seem to care for you quite a bit."  He stopped at the stunned look on Dean's face, realizing after the fact Dean may not be thrilled Charlie was talking about his personal life with a stranger. "Charlie and I have become really close, I'm sorry if you didn't want her to share that with me.  She tends to just... talk." Dean laughed again.

"I figured you had to be friends outside of work, it takes someone special to deal with her full time."  He rubbed a hand down his face, sighing heavily.  "It's just kinda weird, being gone for as long as I was.b I guess I didn't think about how things would change."  Castiel was starting to squirm a bit.  He hardly knew this guy, and he felt the conversation getting strangely personal.

"Well, if she's given you half the amount of stuff on me as she's told me about you, you've got the advantage, I'm afraid."  Castiel pointed out, trying to ease the tension.  Dean smiled and shook his head.

"She's said nothing you need to worry about, don't worry," Dean chuckled, leaning back in his chair.  Castiel felt a bit more at ease, it turned out Dean was fairly easy to talk to.  “She called from time to time while I was gone, told me about her amazing business partner."  

“Amazing?” he asked with a blush.  Dean just laughed, and Castiel decided to get the conversation off of him.

“She said you left when Sam went to school at Stanford?” he half asked, half states.  Dean gestured openly.

“Went to see the country, place to place, city to city.  I've been gone for just over a year, just came back for a while.”

“Won't it be hard, changing lifestyles like that?” Cas asked, almost jealous of the free life Dean had led.

“I'm working with my uncle Bobby at the garage downtown.  Had to work on the car on my own on the road trip, not much different.”  At the name Castiel vaguely remembered a gruff older man with a greying beard, always in a trucker hat, who Charlie sometimes took to go orders for.

"What made you come back?" Castiel asked before he could stop himself.  Dean's smiled faltered slightly, but didn't disappear totally.

"I couldn't pretend to be someone I wasn't anymore."  The raw honesty in his voice sobered their conversation slightly.  Castiel wondered if he was talking about the ’Lisa’ Charlie had mentioned, but decided that was none of his business.

"I can understand that," Castiel said quietly, “just getting tired of putting on a face.”  Dean’s smile changed into something slightly different, something deeper, and Castiel flushed, standing and grabbing Dean’s trash, moving to throw it away to break the mood at the table. "I'll tell Charlie to shut up the next time she starts over sharing about your life,” he added.  Dean laughed again, and it made Castiel's heart happy for no reason at all.

"You really think she'd listen?" he asked.

"No, probably not," Castiel admitted, turning back from throwing the trash away.  Dean was standing, walking towards the door behind him.

“I guess I could let you close up," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets.  Castiel opened the door for him, and followed him outside.  After locking up behind him, Castiel walked to the next door over and stopped. Dean looked back at him, puzzled for a second.

"This is where you live?" he asked, pointing up at the building. Castiel shrugged.

"It's economical," he said, wondering what Dean would make of it.  Sometimes he got some pitying looks, like it was a bad thing to live where he did, but it set him at ease when all Dean did was nod.

"Makes sense I guess." They stood there for a brief silence, and Castiel risked a look into those green eyes.  He regretted it immediately, because they dug into his mind and threw all caution, all reason, every logical thought to the wind.

"Wanna come up? I've got some beer," he said, before he could stop himself.  Dean hesitated, but only for a moment.

"Yeah, sure," Dean said.  Castiel turned and opened the door, leading Dean upstairs to his apartment, unlocking the secondary door at the top of the stairs.  Luckily the hallway was narrow enough that his hands were hidden from Dean's view, because Castiel noticed his hand shaking with nerves when he tried to unlock the door.  He took his time after letting them in, turning on a light and walking to the kitchen to get the beers, giving himself a chance to calm down.  He remembered what Charlie had said about Dean, about him not being interested in men.  So this was as far as things were going.  

There was nothing wrong with just getting to know the guy, right?  Castiel tried to reassure himself that the initial attraction he had to Dean would fade as time went on, especially since he knew the feelings wouldn't be returned.

"Want anything else?" Castiel asked, handing Dean a beer as they sat at the kitchen table.  He shook his head.

"Thanks, I'm good, your pie will hold me.  So, how'd you and Charlie meet?" he asked.  Castiel smiled.

"I had just come to town and was apartment shopping.  I had finally saved up enough to start up a bakery."  Dean raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"You came to town intending to start up a bakery? Really?" Dean was grinning at Castiel. Castiel shrugged.

"Baking is about the only thing I was ever good at, even my brother would admit that." Castiel said.

"You have a brother?" Castiel nodded.

"His name's Gabriel." Castiel quieted, his smile fading.  "We, uh, actually haven't spoken since I left home to move here.  I don't know if he even knows where I'm living now." Dean took a sip of his beer.

"Hey, I know how it goes with brothers," he said softly.  "When Sam decided to go all the way to Stanford, I hated him for leaving, you know?  The two of us were all we were for the longest time... We talked it out eventually, but it gets hard sometimes."

"Cheers to that," Castiel said, lifting his bottle to Dean's.  He returned his thoughts to his story. "Anyway, I literally ran into Charlie on my way to the real estate office.  As in slapstick comedy, full on collision in the middle of the sidewalk. She had been all in a rush, something about needing internet to buy some limited edition... I don't remember."  Dean was laughing.

"That sounds like Charlie."

"Right?  Anyway, once we both determined we were alright, I followed her to the library and we hit it off immediately.  By the end of our conversation she had declared us best friends." Castiel smiled at the memory. "She was complaining about having no internet cafe in town, and I was planning on opening a bakery, so we put it together."

"Impressive." Dean said, smiling. "It's funny how responsible she can be under all that nerd." Dean sighed fondly.  Oddly enough, a sad look passing over his face.  "I know she's just trying to look out for me, I just... don't like being looked out for.  It never sits right with me." Castiel wanted to say something to lighten the mood, but he still didn't know Dean that well, so he had no idea what to say.  Instead, he just stood and grabbed Dean another beer.  

"So Charlie said you helped her after her mom passed." Castiel said as he handed Dean the beer.  Dean took a drink and nodded.

"Yeah, I mean, Sam and I had just lost our dad, and we ran into her one day at the diner down the street.  She was a mess, and Sam being next runner up for Dr. Phil's job, you know 'tell me how you're feeling', started talking to her. You know how she is, she pulls you in and makes you love her."  He smiled.  "She became the little sister I never wanted, but I think I needed her." Castiel nodded.

They sat in silence for a short while, drinking their beer and absorbing each other’s stories.  As the silence lingered, a lingering thought hung at the back of his mind.

"Why are you here?" Castiel finally blurted, his curiosity getting the best of him. "I mean, here, in my apartment now?"

"Told you, hiding from Charlie."

"By coming to a shop she co-owns? And hanging out with one of her best friends? Not exactly the best hiding place.  And why are you still here?" Castiel looked at the clock on the wall. "All the bars are opening up, there's plenty of places to go..."  He trailed off as Dean's smirk faded into something a bit more vulnerable.

"Because you don't know me," Dean said softly. Castiel blinked at him, wondering why that would possibly make it better to hide here. Dean noticed his confusion and took a long swig of his beer.  "Look, I've made some mistakes in my life, and I've got a lot of demons hiding in my closet. Everyone here knows it." He opened his arms. "The whole freakin' town knows I'm a highschool dropout who hustles pool and sleeps with any chick who'll have me.  That I'm prone to getting into fights, that I've spent a handful of nights in jail for some of those bad decisions."  The bitterness in his voice shocked Castiel, he had never heard someone hate themselves so much. "But I walked in your shop and you just... I don't know, you looked at me, not at my mistakes. You're the first person in about 15 years who didn't judge me the moment you saw me."  Castiel blushed, trying to brush it off.

"I don't know you.  It's not my place to judge you." Castiel said simply.  Dean opened his arms in a gesture of agreement.

"Exactly.  I can sit here and have a beer with a stranger.  In this town, that's the best night out I can have."  Dean smiled, and Castiel couldn't help but smile back. B"This is the closest thing to a clean slate as I'm going to get.  Probably why I'm telling you all this crap." Castiel took a drink of his beer and nodded.

"I get that," he said. "That's why I moved in the first place.  My brother..." he paused.   _Easy, Castiel._

"Gabriel?" Dean asked.  Castiel shook his head slowly.

"No, I have two.  My eldest brother, Raphael, he made a big name for himself back home. Business, law, politics, the whole thing. I couldn't ever get out from under his shadow, and when he was caught up in a big political scandal... our whole family got dragged in. Everyone just assumes because my brother was involved, me and Gabe must have been, too.  No matter how many times the cops would clear us. I just... I needed to get somewhere no one knew me." He took a drink.  He hadn't even told Charlie about the real reason he had moved, and maybe it was because Dean was practically a stranger that he could tell him. He really found himself understanding what Dean meant about a clean slate.

"Wow... I mean, Sam's been a royal pain in my ass his entire life, but nothing on that level. He has yet to publicly humiliate me." Dean said quietly.  Castiel decided he was all in at this point, and before he could think better of it he blurted out one last tidbit of personal information.

"Yeah, it also doesn't help that I'm bisexual, Raphael had a bit of a problem with that.  Public image and everything," Castiel said, carefully watching Dean's reaction. The words came out casually, and Cas was proud of himself for that, but still he knew this was the make or break moment.  Would his sexuality put him off, or not?  Dean looked up at him, but where he usually would see judgment, disgust, or pity from others, Dean didn't bat an eye.

"Your brother sounds like a dick, sorry." Castiel gave himself an internal fist pump, but kept his face limited to a small smile.

"I got out, and I'm happy where I'm at, that's what's important."

"Cheers to that," Dean said, smiling.  They both finished their last bit of beer, and Dean stood up. "I should probably leave you to it. Thanks for the beer," he said, turning and heading towards the door.

"So you're okay with it?" Castiel blurted again before his brain could stop him.

"With what?”

“You know, me being…” he felt the heat in his face and his eyes found his feet.

“You swinging for both teams?" Dean asked.  Cas nodded, glancing up slowly. "Hey, gets you twice the tail, right? Almost jealous," Dean said, a reassuring smile on his face.  "Let's make a deal. I don't judge you if you don't judge me. Agreed?" He held out his hand and Castiel shook it.

"Deal," Castiel smiled.  He turned and grabbed a business card from his coffee table, jotting down his personal number on the back. He handed it to Dean. "For the next time you want to talk to a stranger."

"Or a friend?" Dean said, a small smile on his face.  Castiel nodded.

"Or that." He followed Dean to the door, shutting it behind him, unable to hide the grin on his face.  
  
Four days later, Castiel was halfway through his shift when he got a text message from a number he didn't recognize.

_??: It's Dean. Save me some pie tonight?_

Castiel smiled, typing back a response immediately.

 _C: Sure. This time you bring the beer_.

  
As he added Dean into his contacts, Charlie walked up.

"What are you so smiley about?" she asked, trying to peer at his phone. He locked his screen and slipped it into his pocket.

"None of your business," he said, turning to help a customer.  After he was finished she started poking at him.

"C'mon, if you got a hot date, you can tell me," she teased.  He squirmed away from her to help someone else, but before he could finish she snaked her hand into his pocket and grabbed his phone.  She had guessed his password forever ago, and unlocked his phone to pull up his texts.

“Really?  No privacy,” Castiel sighed, exasperated.  Charlie stuck out her tongue, and he knew when she saw who he was texting, because she stilled and her eyes went wide.

“Dean?!  I thought I told you to let it go,” she said sharply.

"Well, like you said, he's straight, so it's not like it's a date!" Castiel sighed, grabbing his phone back and making sure she didn't send any messages under his name.  "He came by a few days ago and we talked.  Just as friends.  Honestly, that's it, nothing else."  From the glare on her face she wasn't believing him.

"Look, Castiel, Dean's got some baggage. About a trunk load."

"Charlie-"

"He has a habit of hurting people." She blurted before she turned to help a customer. "Just a warning." He laughed, and Charlie looked back at him, frowning at his reaction.

"How many times do we have to have this conversation?  How is he going to hurt me, Charlie, if we're nothing more than friends?" He wanted her to laugh with him, because he wanted to believe what he was saying to himself.  That he could see a friendship with Dean, without the burden of this attraction that was growing in his chest.  She just shook her head and walked away from him.  He kept working with his smile on his face, but over time it grew hollow.  He had to admit that Charlie was probably right, that he was going to get hurt if he didn’t move past this.  Glancing at the pies in the case, he felt his stomach drop and walked into the back office, sitting heavily in the chair.  Charlie had officially ruined his good mood.

"Okay, boss?" Benny said from the kitchen through the office door, his Louisiana drawl rising above the noise of the kitchen equipment.

"Yeah, fine." Castiel waved him away, smiling that fake smile again. When Benny shrugged and went back to work, Castiel stood and closed the door.  He hardly knew Dean, they were at this point still basically strangers, but he just knew he wanted Dean in his life.  If he couldn't have the type of romantic relationship he honestly knew he kind of wanted, could he really have anything else? Would he be able to handle watching Dean live his life, fall in love with someone else? He liked to think he could, that he could be the bigger

man. He sat at the desk and pulled his phone back out, pulling up his texts.

_C: Are you busy, Dean?_

It was only a moment before Dean replied.

_D: Not at the moment. No customers at the garage._

_C: I'm considering ditching work. Charlie's getting on my case._

_D: Lol I can imagine. We could reschedule tonight's pie and beer... I'm not exactly needed here at the moment._

Castiel thought for a moment. Hannah would be in shortly to help Charlie, it wasn't too busy...

_C: Yeah._

Castiel suddenly got an idea.  Maybe not his best idea, in fact probably one of his worst, but at that point he didn’t care.

_C: Meet me at the parking lot around the corner from my shop. I want to show you something._

_D: I'll be there. And you better bring the pie._

Castiel grinned, opening the door to the office and stepping over to the cooler, grabbing the large slice of blueberry pie he had set aside that morning for himself, figuring he could take this one to Dean and not have to linger at the case to pack one up in front of Charlie.  Trying to tell the butterflies in his stomach this wasn't a date, he walked back out into the shop to leave.

"I'm going, Charlie. I'll see you later." He left before she could get two words out.  He walked out the door and around the corner to the parking lot and sat on a bench, a nervous bounce in his leg.  About 15min later, a sleek black car, some classic model, pulled around the corner, and instantly he knew it was Dean's.  He stopped and Castiel opened the door climbing in, setting the pie and being rewarded with a huge smile when Dean saw how large the piece was.  Dean gestured at the car.

"Castiel, meet Baby," Dean said, like a parent introducing their child.  Castiel looked around at the interior, and he could tell Dean put a lot of effort into this car, keeping up with it and maintaining it.  The purr of the engine through Castiel's shoes was oddly soothing.

"I don't know much about cars," Castiel admitted, "but she's beautiful."  Dean stroked the steering wheel fondly.

"1967 Chevy Impala. They don't make 'em like this anymore." He pulled away and down to the intersection. "So, left or right?"

"Have you ever been to White Tree Park?" Castiel asked.  Dean shrugged.

"I've taken some girls there a few times, yeah."  Castiel's butterflies quieted at the ‘not-a-date’ reminder, and Castiel was finally able to relax.

"There's a spot I go, to avoid the hassle of life sometimes," he said, smiling. "If you're interested." Dean considered him for a moment, and Castiel started to wonder if it seemed too forward, or maybe Dean was just trying to figure out where in the park Castiel was talking about.  Eventually, Dean shrugged.

"Alright, I'll bite." He turned right to head towards the park.  It bordered a lake and a nature preserve, so it was a few miles from town, and as they drove Dean bragged about his car.  Even though most of the car talk went right over Castiel's head, he listened with interest.  This was something Dean was obviously passionate about, and Castiel could see how happy it made him.

"She's more than just a car to you, isn't she?" Castiel asked during a pause in Dean’s talking.  Dean nodded.

"This car is a lot of things to me.  Even Sammy doesn't really appreciate that, doesn't quite understand." His eyes grew distant as he talked, and Castiel could almost see the memories playing in front of his eyes.  "She's a piece of my dad, a piece of the good memories, you know? He's the one that gave her to me.  We moved a lot as kids and sometimes we were living in this car.  It became a playground for me and my brother, and we travelled so much we were basically raised in here." His face grew sad. "She's the only thing that's never let me down." He glanced at Castiel, almost as if he had forgotten he was there. "You probably think I'm crazy, being all worked up about a car."

"No, Dean. Believe it or not, I'm a little jealous." Dean laughed.

"Jealous?"

"You at least had your car." Castiel sighed. "I had an abusive older brother, who blamed me for my dad leaving, and another older brother that was more worried about himself than anything else. In the end, I became nothing but a burden to both of them."  They pulled into the park, and Castiel hastily cleared his throat, forcing a smile on his face.  "But that's a load of baggage you don't need to hear about," he added.  Dean looked at him oddly, but didn't say anything and climbed out of the car.  He stood as Dean pulled a cooler out of the trunk, dropping the pie inside.

"What d'you say we crack this open? You look like you need one," Dean said. Castiel nodded.

"Up this way." He started walking down the sidewalk towards the playground, but about halfway there, he turned and headed up a small path cut into the trees, climbing up a slight hill.

"Super secret hideaway?" Dean asked, sounding oddly childish. Castiel smiled.

"Kind of. I'm sure someone put this path here for a good reason, but I commandeer it from time to time." They turned a corner on the path and found themselves in a tiny clearing in the trees. They could still slightly hear the playground noises from below but they were muffled from the surrounding foliage.  Ahead of them was the lake, bordered on the far side by the nature preserve, nothing to see for miles but nature, not even any power lines.

"Wow," Dean said, green eyes wide.

"I like to come here, because I can sit up here, look out, and I don't see anything.  No civilization, no people to judge me for who I am, no nagging best friends telling me who to hang out with..." he blushed as Dean looked at him curiously.

"Charlie was trying to warn you about me, was she?" he asked.

"For the record, I didn't listen," Castiel said quietly, sitting in the grass.  Dean gave him a fond smile.

"I see why this place appeals to you," Dean said, sitting next to him and handing him a beer out of the cooler. They drank in silence while Dean ate his pie, both lost in thought about their less than stellar childhoods, but comforted because they weren’t alone.  The peaceful moment was broken by Dean's phone ringing, and he pulled it out and looked at who was calling.  As soon as he did, Castiel noticed a slight change in his posture, like he was sitting taller, his shoulders squared off to match the set of his jaw.

"Hey, Sam." he said, the tone of his voice dropping slightly as well, still warm, but slightly authoritative. His brother was calling him. "I'm fine, I'm having a beer." Pause. "With a friend? Why do you care?" Castiel watched him curiously, all the ease he had when talking to Castiel gone, replaced with a more, well, fatherly attitude. "Look, Sam, I'm fine. You're blowing all of this way out of proportion." Another pause as he listened. "I'll be there just to shut you up." He hung up, and the moment he did his shoulders relaxed.

"That must be exhausting," Castiel said quietly.

"Having a mother hen for a brother? Tell me about it." Castiel shook his head.

"No, having to work so hard to pretend."  Dean frowned at him and Castiel blushed. "Unless you don't realize you're doing it," he said quietly.

"Doing what?"  Dean’s ears turned pink, and he suddenly looked very self conscious.

"The moment you started to talk to Sam, you sat up taller, squared your shoulders, and your voice sounded... well more 'manly.'" Dean’s blush spread to his cheeks.

"Did I really?" he asked sheepishly. It was such a stark contrast from the Dean who had just been on the phone Castiel could hardly believe it.

"Yeah."

"I guess... I mean I know I act differently in front of certain people," Dean said. "I guess I just never realized it was such a big difference." He grabbed another beer, taking a sip.

"I'm just a people watcher," Cas said, blushing, "I notice things like that a little more than most people."  Dean nodded.

"You're right, by the way,” he sighed, “it is exhausting."  Dean shrugged.  "When I'm around people, they expect me to act a certain way, you know? Like I have some expectation placed on me."

"Like being more like your father when you talk to Sam," Castiel said, at least that's what he assumed Dean's puffing up like a peacock had been about.

"How'd you know...?"

"Lucky guess."  Dean made an impressed face and Castiel blushed again. He cracked open his second beer, taking a long pull as Dean finished the pie and set the container aside.

"This is good," Dean said, pointing at the two of them.

"It's a nice relief not to have to hide," Castiel agreed.  He thought for a moment, considering if he should tell Dean about what he was feeling.  It might scare him away, but on the other hand, the way Dean was so relaxed with his sexuality before... He met Dean's eyes for the briefest glance.  He still couldn't get over how gorgeous this man's eyes were, no matter how many times he told himself Dean was straight, he still felt that flutter in his chest when they met.

"You feeling okay?" Dean asked. "You're turning pink." Castiel felt a deeper blush move up his neck.

"I'm trying to decide if I should tell you something," he said quietly.  

“Well, now you don’t have a choice,” Dean grunted, looking at him expectantly and waiting for him to continue. Castiel pushed on ahead, feeling reckless and getting a thrill from it.  

"I find you ridiculously attractive, Dean.  And I understand you're not interested, and I'm not going to try and make you interested.  I just... I thought you should know... "  He trailed off, staring at an ant attempting to climb up over his shoe.  He flicked it off, feeling Dean's eyes  on him but unable to look up.  He felt like such a dweeb, like he had just flashed back to high school. The embarrassment ate its way into his stomach, turning the beer he was drinking into a gurgling mess.

"That's what Charlie was warning you about," Dean said quietly.  "Hey, Cas," he called, and Castiel looked up at him. "I'm flattered, honestly. That's a great compliment," he gave him a small smile, and it lifted Castiel's spirit slightly. "And I appreciate you telling me. The last thing I want is to lead you on though. If you want to stay friends, I'm cool with that. If you want to stay acquaintances, I'm cool with that too." Castiel had to look away, afraid to look at Dean.  
  
"Are you fucking kidding me?" he sighed, laughing through his embarrassment.  Dean frowned.

"Uh..."

"You!" Castiel was laughing hard now, harder than he had in a long time, the adrenaline of admitting his attraction to Dean getting the best of him, and he was sure he looked like a crazy mess.  He felt like a crazy mess, but for some reason, it felt good.  "You've got to be the most decent person I've ever met, and here Charlie's making you out to be this jail bait douche bag." His laugh trailed off slightly, and he was relieved to hear Dean chuckled along with him.

"See why I went to you? They've all made up their minds about me, even the people that love me."

"Well, should I tell them they're all wrong? Or should we just finish this beer and tell them all to fuck off?" Dean tossed him another beer.

"Fuck them," he said, and they both drank in a happy silence.

"Charlie needs to never find out about this," Dean said after a while. "If nothing else just to avoid her freaking out on both of us."

"Good idea," Castiel said, smiling at Dean. "Not to mention we'd never hear the end of it," Castiel laughed and Dean laughed right along.

After they finished the beer, Dean took Castiel back to his apartment.

"Thanks for the ride," Castiel said, opening the door.

"Hey, Castiel?"  He stopped, one foot out of the car door, turning to Dean and pretending hearing his whole name hadn't given him a heart attack.

"What's up, Dean?"

"Listen," he watched as Dean rubbed the back of his neck, nervously. "This was a great afternoon and all, but I... I meant it I don't want you to..." Castiel smiled.  He could hear in Dean's voice what he was trying to say, and while it normally would have hurt, Dean was just too adorable.

"Dean, it wasn't a date, if that's what you're worried about.  And I know we'll never have dates." Dean flushed scarlet. "And you know what? I'm okay with that." Castiel smiled, and he really felt it, deep down, he was okay with it.  As crazy and quick as all this had happened, after all he had only met Dean just over a week ago, the sincerity of their friendship was something unique, and Castiel was okay with just that.

"Oh, I just... I didn't want you to get the wrong idea, you know?"

"You're not into guys," Castiel finished for him. "I know that, Dean. Our talks are just that, talks."

"Okay then, check off that awkward conversation." They shared another brief laugh, and the last bit of tension melted away.

"I'll see you around, Dean," Castiel said, climbing out of the car.  He walked into his apartment, leaning on his front door and taking a few deep breaths. There it was, out in the open now.  In spite of the beer he already drank he grabbed another one from his fridge.  Castiel knew Dean wasn't interested, and in the place of his butterflies, he could feel a friendship growing between them, and he'd be damned if he was going to let his angsty boy crush ruin that.  He'd rather have Dean as a friend then as nothing at all.

 

 


	3. All In The Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BETA READ AND UPDATED

By the time three months had gone by, he and Dean had met up for beers and conversation a few dozen times. They would meet just about anywhere, bars, the cafe, the park, and just talk, about anything and everything.  There were some days that Castiel wouldn't have been able to tell anyone what they had talked about, but afterward he felt lighter, more relaxed. It had become a sort of therapy for them both, a way to get rid of life's problems and just be themselves for a short while.

Castiel was starting to see subtle changes in Dean's personality, and identify to whom those changes belonged.  He prided himself on knowing Dean well enough to see the subtle differences, and he would tease Dean about them on a regular basis, both of them laughing at Dean's expense.

When they were in a bar, he became the picture of masculinity, puffed up, gruff voice, hopeless flirt.  Castiel had even helped Dean pick up a few dates.  Dean would strike out with a girl, and Castiel would wait for Dean to walk away before teaming up with her, conspiratorially checking Dean out and gushing about how sexy he was, till Castiel had convinced her to get him a drink.

When said ‘dates’ were around, he was the smoothest sweet talker sex god you had ever seen, and you could almost smell the testosterone dripping from him.  Granted, Castiel didn't complain too much, because seeing Dean like that was incredibly attractive.  At the same time, Dean attracted some male attention he didn't necessarily want, so Castiel got some dates out of it too, though none of them went much of anywhere.

When he and Dean were somewhere with Charlie, who was suspicious but never seemed to understand just how good of friends they were becoming, he acted similar to the fatherly manner he took on when talking to Sam.  Big brotherly, trying to seem important and protective.

When he was talking to Bobby, he acted like Castiel figured he had around his father. Obedient, respectful, and he worked hard, trying to cover up any weakness.  It was one of his most endearing qualities, and Castiel had to hide a smile every time Bobby called, not wanting Dean to see how adorable Castiel found him.

When they were out in the general public, Dean walked around with a dare on his face, almost like he was spoiling for someone to bother him. People would whisper when they saw him, and more often than not Castiel would hear 'prison' in their conversation, and Dean lived up to that expectation well.

But when it was just the two of them, alone at the park or at either Castiel's or Dean's apartments, he was just Dean.  A guy with a bit of a self-esteem problem and daddy issues, trying to figure out his life. The butterflies in Castiel's stomach had left off their dance when he was around Dean, just as he knew they would over time, but when he caught Dean laughing deep from his belly, or exposed down to his soul, Castiel couldn't help but wish in the back of his mind that they would come back.

 

"Is this too weird? It's weird, isn't it?" Dean asked from his bedroom, Castiel laughing at him from the living room.

"She's Sam's girlfriend, not yours.  Why are you getting so worked up over this?" Castiel asked, wondering what was so weird.  It was about the tenth time Dean had held that conversation with himself and neither he nor Castiel had gotten an answer.  Sam had been home from school for about a month now, and he had sprung the news that for the past two years at Stanford he had been dating someone, Jessica Moore.  Apparently it was getting serious because he was bringing her to his hometown this summer to meet Dean and Bobby, the only family Sam had, and for reasons unknown, Dean was more nervous than Castiel had ever seen him.  He had even called Castiel in a panic, begging him to rush to his apartment, and when Castiel had finally arrived by bus all Dean had asked about was what clothes to wear.  Castiel was too amused at his nervous antics to be offended by the 'gay guys have good taste' stereotype.

"It's weird." Dean said, sounding miserable.  Castiel sighed and walked towards the open bedroom door.  Dean was holding two ties up to his shirt as he looked at himself in the mirror hanging on his wall, looking lost and confused.

"What's weird? What is wrong with you tonight?"  He walked up, glanced at the ties, and tossed one away.  "Use that one," he added.  Dean did up his tie.

"Look, you're my best friend, man, you've become a brother to me, and I kinda want you to stay and wait for Sam and Jess to get here so you can meet them.  And so I don’t freak out."  Dean was blushing, and Castiel rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I see what you mean by weird." Castiel sighed.  Dean's face fell slightly and Castiel laughed.  "Sarcasm, Dean.  Calm down."

"Shut up, jerk," Dean grumbled, a smile tugging at his lips.  He checked himself in the mirror.  "Well, that's as good as that gets."  Castiel was careful to keep it off his face, but on the inside he could feel the effect Dean being dressed up was having on him.  He had tossed aside his usual jeans and flannel for a casual suit, and boy did he dress up nice.  Castiel swallowed carefully, making sure to keep his face calm and his mind blank.  It had been almost three months since that afternoon in the park, when they had established their 'no homo' rule as Dean jokingly called it.  Dean had until then not really mentioned it again, and Castiel hadn't thought much about it either.  An odd silence fell between them, and Dean fidgeted with his sleeves in a way Castiel recognized as nervous.  If this wasn't so serious, Castiel would have laughed to break the tension, made an inappropriate joke, but by the way Dean was flustered, this was important to him, and Castiel suddenly felt like he was intruding.

"This is a family thing, Dean.  While I'm grateful for the invitation, maybe tonight's not the best night."  Dean opened his mouth to say something when the doorbell rang.  He got a sheepish grin on his face, the one he used when he was teasing Castiel about something.

"I might have told you they were getting here later than they actually were. I figured you wouldn't want to stick around..." He dodged past the stick of deodorant Castiel tossed at him.

"Ass," he said, sighing, feeling under dressed and annoyed.  Dean answered the door, and Castiel hung back in the living room, waiting for the hellos to finish up.

"Sammy, this is Castiel, remember I mentioned him?"

"Yeah, hey Castiel, nice to meet you," Sam said walking up, shaking Castiel's hand. Dean's brother was almost so large it was comical, taller than Castiel's six feet with broad shoulders, but Castiel could read the kindness on his face.  He hadn't suffered as much as Dean had growing up because he had Dean to take care of him, and it showed in the relaxed and welcoming way he carried himself.  Also, Sam was a prime example that all Winchester men must have been blessed with ridiculously good genes, because his jawline and hazel eyes nearly rivaled Dean in attractiveness.

"I've heard a lot about you," Castiel said, trying to inch towards the door without looking rude.  "I've also heard about how important this night is to all of you, I don't want to intrude."

"Oh, please, stay. I'm sure you have some embarrassing stories you can tell me about Dean," cooed Jessica.  Castiel turned and stopped in his tracks.  Jessica was a vision, blonde waves framing her face and a bright smile that lit up the room.  Not to mention her curves in the dark blue dress she was wearing.  Cas took her offered hand and kissed it.

"Maybe a few drinks," he said, smiling disarmingly.

"Atta boy." She winked.

"Meet Jessica," Sam said, grinning.  Castiel could see how in love he was with her, and for the briefest moment, he felt sad.  He dug around, trying to figure out why, but couldn't put his finger on it before he was interrupted by Dean.

"So, I hear you've managed to tame my little brother," Dean said, gesturing for the group to head towards the dining room.  Jess smiled as they walked over to the table.

"I don't know if tamed is the right word, more like he's managed to hang onto me long enough to catch my attention."  She grabbed a handful of Sam's ass as they sat down, and Dean laughed at Sam's sudden discomfort.

"Yeah, well, I'm glad I did," Sam said, leaning in and kissing her cheek.

"Okay, no chick flick moments Sam, you know the rules," Dean sighed, walking to the kitchen for beers.

"Remember, Dean doesn't do 'feelings'," Castiel said to Jess, "So if you ever find yourself getting annoyed with him, just start getting weepy about something." Dean shot him a death glare over his shoulder as Jess slipped her hand into Castiel's.

"Oh, I like you," she said, a wicked smile on her face. "You and I are going to have some long conversations." Castiel looked back over his shoulder, laughing at the indignant look on Dean's face.

A few drinks turned into dinner, then dinner turned into desert, and pretty soon it was more drinks than Castiel probably should have had.  Still, he felt comfortable here with Dean's family, accepted.  Jessica figured out quickly that Castiel was a little less than straight, and immediately warmed up to the idea.  Sam seemed a little surprised that his brother's best friend was bi, but immediately recognized it for the goldmine of material it was to hold over Dean's head.  Castiel never once felt uncomfortable, or upset by the way they teased, because he could feel the understanding in the room, and it was something he had never felt with anyone else before.

His own family was less than supportive, Raphael had been livid when he'd found out and made Castiel's love life a living hell after.  Gabriel didn't seem to have any direct problem with it, but he didn't stick up for Castiel either.  Sam, Jessica, they didn't care, and that acceptance meant more to Castiel in that moment than he dared to admit even to himself.

"I knew I shouldn't have believed a word you said about your brother," Jessica was saying. Her cheeks were flushed from the alcohol she had been drinking, and Castiel realized Sam was the only person in the room still mostly sober. "Especially when he has someone this sweet as a friend."  She nudged Castiel, smiling brightly at him.

"Cas, sweet?  You haven't seen him hustle pool," Dean said, winking.  He tipped back the last of his beer, nodding to Castiel.  "That guy has a poker face like you wouldn't believe."  He paused to think for a second, as if he suddenly remembered something.  "Wait... what did she mean, what kinda crap you been spreading around about me, Sammy?" Dean demanded.  Sam chuckled, clapping his brother on the back fondly.

"Just that when you have even managed to get drunk, it's time to call it a night," he said. Jessica groaned and Dean rolled his eyes, gathering up the cups scattered around his coffee table.

"I'm not drunk," he stammered, wavering slightly when he stood up, and Sam followed him into the kitchen with a laugh.  Castiel smiled at the exchange, and it faded slowly as his thoughts again drifted to his own brothers.  A dark cloud settled over the happy warmth he had been feeling only moments earlier, and he sighed heavily.  Jealousy didn't sit well in his stomach, but he longed for the type of relationship Dean had with his brother.  How his life could have been different if even one of his brothers had even bothered to care even half as much as Dean cared about Sam.  He hastily blinked away a tear before it betrayed him and fell down his cheek.  He knew the alcohol was making him more weepy than he normally would be, but it didn't make it any less embarrassing.

"Why the long face?" Jess asked, leaning in closer to him.  He shrugged blinking rapidly to remove any unshed tears left in his eyes.

"Shitty childhood." he said quietly.  She reached out and squeezed his hand.

"Hey, if anyone can get you through those kinds of issues, it's these boys," she said, smiling at him.

"Sam told you?" he asked, thinking back to the conversations he and Dean had about how they had grown up.  She nodded.

"I know he hasn't told me all of it, but enough.  I guess Dean told you?" Her genuine warmth helped ease some of the weight off his chest, even through the alcohol.

"He did.  And Dean has, helped me, I mean," he said.  They both turned their heads towards the kitchen as Dean’s slightly too loud drunken laugh echoed through the apartment.  "He's been a really good friend," he added softly.  His drunken mind started to run through his and Dean’s conversations, the heavy ones that really mattered, about life and family, and he felt a wistful smile cross his lips, blinking rapidly again.  The knowing smile on Jess’ face sobered him up slightly.  "What?" he asked, suddenly feeling a little nervous.

"Oh, nothing, just confirming some suspicions I had."  She kissed his cheek and stood, walking out to the kitchen, leaving Castiel to his thoughts.   _What suspicions_?  He thought back to what they were talking about and felt his heart thump against his ribs.  Did she mean... _about Dean_?  He had moved on, but if she had thought... He ran his hand through his hair nervously. What if she told Sam? What if Sam told Dean?!  He didn't want this ruined because of something that wasn't even there.  He shook his head, trying to clear some of the alcohol away, the fuzziness starting to ache behind his eyes.  He couldn't think clearly, and worrying about anything tonight wasn't going to do him any good at all, but he couldn’t seem to stop.

He managed to say goodbye to Sam and Jess without being weepy, and thankfully Dean didn't seem to notice anything was wrong with him.  Dean wrapped Sam up in a bear hug, and Castiel smiled at the sight of Dean, smaller than Sam, managing to look so much like a big brother.

"I approve," he said, pointing at Jess. "And I don't usually, so there's that."

"Gee, thanks Dean." Sam scoffed, but the affection in his voice overruled the harshness of his words.  Jess gave Dean a hug and leaned in and gave Castiel another kiss on the cheek to say goodbye.

"Good luck," she whispered.  He frowned, about to ask with what but they were gone through the door before he could get the words out.  Dean turned to him, taking a deep breath and dropping his 'Sam persona', relaxing back into his own skin.  Castiel would never get used to watching Dean change like that, but he did feel a certain pride knowing Dean could relax with him around.  Dean ran a hand over the back of his neck.

"So I didn't really think about this, but uh,... I probably shouldn't drive you home right now," he said sheepishly.  Castiel shrugged.

"I can make due with a couch, I've done worse."  He was feeling too many alcohol induced emotions at once, and all Castiel wanted to do was sleep it all away as soon as possible. Dean frowned at the couch, like it had personally offended him.

"No, I have a spare bedroom and an air mattress, you can use those," he insisted, turning towards his hallway.  He walked towards his bedroom, passing it and on to the next room down.  It was empty for the most part, just a couple cardboard boxes stacked in a corner.  The closet was open, revealing a jumbled mess of things Dean had probably hoarded his whole life and not bothered to throw away.  He dug an air mattress and a comforter out of the mess, managing to squeeze the doors closed once he was done. "Sorry," he said blushing, "kinda forget how much of a mess all that stuff is.  Let me grab you a pillow."  He left Castiel in the room, and Castiel wandered over to the boxes in the corner, lifting the flap on the top one curiously. What he saw helped him sober up faster than expected.

_Family photo albums._

He lifted the album on top of the pile of personal things in the box.  It was full of pictures of a beautiful blonde woman with Dean’s green eyes and a man who had the same jaw and smirk Dean had.  The pictures were old, starting to yellow slightly, but they had obviously been well taken care of.  He heard Dean walk in and walk up behind him, dropping a pillow on the mattress where it lay uninflated on the floor.  "Are these your parents?" Castiel asked softly, thumbing carefully through the pictures.  They were so happy, it was all over their faces, and the last few pages had pictures of the woman growing more and more pregnant.

"Yeah, I uh, I go through them sometimes, just to remember what she looked like.  I was so little when she died, but I still miss her."  Dean stepped up closer to Castiel, looking over his shoulder at the pictures fondly.  Castiel closed the album, picking up the next thing in the box, a smaller album, _Dean_ written across the top in neat handwriting, and the pages contained pictures of a baby boy growing into a toddler, all with Dean's bright green eyes.  Towards the end of the album, Dean’s mother grew pregnant again, and Castiel had never seen anyone look as happy as the three of them did.  Castiel started to feel his heart hurt, knowing that it had all ended so sadly for them.  He paused on a picture of Dean, he had to be almost four years old, naked except for a swim suit and covered head to toe in dirt and mud, the biggest grin on his face.

"You're adorable," Castiel said quietly, turning his head and smiling up at Dean.  Dean was smiling back, but Castiel could see the echo of pain on his face.  Castiel became acutely aware of the deeply personal belongings he was prying into, and he blushed, putting the album back and stepping away from the boxes.  "Dean, I'm so sorry, this is... I shouldn't have pried." Dean shook his head.

"It's okay, really." He put his hand on Castiel's shoulder. "You got to meet my whole family tonight."  His smile was both heartbreaking and beautiful.

Castiel suddenly had a very strong urge to lean in and kiss Dean.

They were so close, and Dean's touch still lingered on his shoulder.  Just a couple of inches and their lips would touch…

He stepped back from Dean quickly, his heart banging against his sternum, his face feeling very warm.

"I think we should get some sleep," he said, amazed that his voice still came out as calm as it did.  Dean nodded and closed up the box, seemingly unaware of Castiel’s sudden discomfort.

"I'll see if I have a spare toothbrush I haven't used, be right back," he said, turning towards the door.  After he stepped out of the room, Castiel plugged in the air mattress and turned on the pump, partly to cover the sound of his heavy breathing.  What in the hell was wrong with him tonight?  He knew he could blame part of it on the alcohol, but those pictures were so personal, and Dean had just let him look... He felt the heat in his face, and he ran his hand through his hair. He was over Dean, had watched Dean time and again leave him with a woman without a tinge of jealousy, had even helped said women.  So why now, all of a sudden, was he freaking out like this again?

"Son of a bitch," Castiel mumbled to himself.

"Did you say something?" Dean asked, walking back in.  Castiel jumped slightly, and lucky for him again Dean didn’t seem to notice.  "Found an unused toothbrush," he said, holding it out to Castiel.  "You know where the guest bathroom is, I'm calling it a night."  He turned to go, and Castiel's voice sprang out of his mouth before he could stop it.

"Dean?"  Dean paused and turned back at the door way.

"Yeah, Cas?"

"Thank you," he mumbled, turning off the pump as the whine indicated the mattress was full.  The silence it left in its wake was deafening.

"For what?" Dean was frowning slightly, and Castiel stood, carefully considering his words.

"You made me feel like part of a family tonight."  He blushed, but it was the best his scrambled brain could come up with, even if it wasn’t nearly enough to describe what he was feeling.  His heart was still beating harder than usual.

"You are part of a family, Cas," Dean said simply, smiling and leaving for his own room.  Castiel watched him go.

"Goodnight." He muttered, trying to ignore the bubble of giddy happiness rising in him, simply because Dean had said he was part of his family. Castiel went into the guest bathroom, brushing his teeth and running some water over his face.  He caught his reflection in the mirror, surprised he didn't look more stressed than he did.  Half of him wanted to leave right then, even if it meant walking 6 miles home, just to get away from these emotions running through him.  The other half of his mind was following Dean into his bedroom, telling him how much it meant to hear Dean accept him.  Telling him how much Dean meant to him…  He shut his eyes, trying to squash the second half, but it was there and it wasn't leaving.  He stumbled back into the guest room, shutting the door behind him, taking off his pants and shirt to sleep in his underwear.  He turned off the light and crawled under the blanket, shutting his eyes against the racing in his head, willing himself to fall asleep.

 

_He knew he was dreaming, simply because the sight he saw before him couldn't be real. The park had been closed to make way for housing before he had even started middle school, his favorite tree bulldozed in the name of progress years ago. Yet there it stood, overshadowing the jungle gym and the swing set, tall and proud. Castiel walked over and sat in one of the swings, kicking his feet lazily._

_"You think Raph will come play with us today?" he asked, but not in his usual voice, a small child’s voice._

_"No, I don't think he will," his brother Gabriel sighed in an equally small voice.  He watched a nine year old Gabe run across the playground towards their Dad's car, calling for Castiel to follow.  When he didn't Gabriel turned, but he was no longer a boy, he was as Castiel had last seen him as a grown man, shorter than Castiel was but no less intimidating._

_"You know he'll never forgive you," he was saying. Castiel could feel the pain he felt the day he left, the anger that he carried for his brother's running through him._

_"I don't need you anymore," he heard himself say.  It wasn't what he'd actually said, it was what he had wanted to say.  He had wanted to be strong, to show a brave face, but he had fled, weeping and hating himself._

_"Hey, it's okay, I'm here," came Dean's voice from behind him.  He turned and Dean took him into his arms, and it was just like Castiel always pictured it would be.  Dean was warm, smelling like leather and whiskey, his arms strong and it felt so good to just be held.  "It's okay, Castiel. You've got me, you don't need them anymore." Just as he started to lean into Dean's touch, the dream started to fade._

_"Dean?" The light around him was fading, and he felt like he was sliding backwards. He reached out, desperate to hold onto the dream._

 

"Castiel, hey," Dean's voice was growing louder. "Hey, Cas!" Castiel's eyes snapped open, and the first thing he saw was Dean's face looking worried, hovering much too close to his own.  He scooted away from Dean, not an easy thing to do on a half inflated air mattress, but in his panic he managed it.  Dean sat back, hands spread wide.

"Dean? What're you..." Castiel rubbed his eyes, coughing to clear the sleep from his voice, finally separating reality from the dream.

"I came to see if you were up, you were thrashing around pretty bad," Dean said gently, worry etched on his face.  Castiel flushed, the stale taste of last night's alcohol thick in his mouth.

"Sorry, had a bad dream."  He suddenly became very aware that he was wearing nothing but boxers.  Luckily, the comforter covered his lap, but he still felt strangely exposed sitting there under Dean's gaze.  Not to mention Dean was wearing nothing but pajama pants, a robe tied loosely over those.

"Well, whenever you're ready, there's some coffee in the kitchen." Dean said, still frowning in concern, but maybe sensing the tension in the room and letting himself out, closing the door behind him.  Castiel buried his face in his hands.  He had that dream a few times before, but just of his brothers.  Dean being there in the dream was new, and it was both exciting and unsettling.  Castiel stood, pulling the plug to deflate the air mattress.  What was happening to him? Why after all this time would these... feelings, to call them what they were, suddenly be springing up again? Nothing had changed that he could tell, his eyes caught sight of the boxes in the corner.  What Dean had said about being family... He was almost afraid to face Dean, to be in the same room as him.  However at this point there was no avoiding it, so he got dressed, stopped in the bathroom to brush stale beer taste out of his mouth, and walked down to the kitchen, attempting to tame his hair with his hand.

As Dean had promised, coffee was sitting there waiting for him, and Castiel wrapped his hands around the warmth gratefully, taking a few sips to clear his head.  He checked his phone, and found about 15 texts from Charlie, groaning with another kind of headache.

"Hey, Dean," he said, showing him.  Dean got equally uncomfortable.

"Dude, if you tell her you had to spend the night here she will absolutely freak out on both of us, regardless of any reason we give her."  They stared at each other for a few moments, then both started laughing.

"It's almost worth it," Castiel said, grinning slyly.

"Will probably give her a coronary," Dean added. Cas opened his texts, thinking for a moment, and deciding to play it safe.

_C: Hey, I promise I'm not dead. Had a bit too much to drink last night._

That much was true anyway.

_Ch: Dear God I thought you were lying dead in an alley somewhere!!_

_C: Sorry, you're not that lucky._

_Ch: Not funny, Castiel._

_C: What did you need, anyway?_

_Ch: ...We're out of pie…_

Castiel laughed out loud.

_C: Really?? That's the reason you spammed my phone?_

_Ch: You're the one that didn't answer for hours!! And aren't home._

The smile faded off his face.

_C: I told you, I had too much to drink last night, I stayed the night somewhere…_

It took Charlie a few moments before she answered, during which Dean's phone buzzed on the counter. Dean lifted his phone and choked on his coffee, turning to Castiel.

"Dude, she knows," he said. Castiel worried at his bottom lip a bit.

"She's gonna be pissed," he sighed.

_C: Stop texting Dean. Yes, I stayed here. But nothing untoward happened, nor did I attempt any such behavior in Dean's direction._

_Ch: Really, Cas? Is he the one you've been 'seeing'?_

_C: I guess technically? Though generally when friends want to hang out and have a few drinks, didn't know we needed permission from another friend to do so._

_Ch: Un. be. live. Able._

Cas frowned. She actually seemed mad.

_C: I'm on my way, chill out okay?_

"I better go," Castiel sighed. "Charlie actually seems pissed."

"What for?" Dean said through a mouthful of toast.  He swallowed, giving Castiel an apologetic look. "So I didn't drive you home when I was drunk? What's got her panties in a bunch?" Castiel shrugged.  He had an idea what she was upset with him for, and it had everything to do with what he had felt last night.

"I think it's more at me for leaving her messages unanswered," Castiel said softly.

"Give me two seconds, I'll give you a ride," Dean said, wiping the crumbs off his face and heading towards his room. Castiel pretended he didn't watch Dean pulling off his bathrobe as he walked down the hallway, also pretending he wasn't admiring the muscles in his back as they disappeared behind his door. He massaged his temples, this was not good, this was very bad, and he had a feeling he was about to get a scolding about it from Charlie.


	4. You Don't Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some difficulty with this chapter, hopefully there aren't too many big mistakes.
> 
> BETA READ AND UPDATED

Castiel debated going to his apartment to shower first, but knowing how impatient Charlie could be, he decided to just head straight to the cafe and get things over with.  The sooner he talked this out with her, the sooner he could head upstairs.  When he walked through the door, Charlie immediately left Hannah behind the counter and stalked straight for Castiel, grabbing him by the shirt and dragging him towards the back, her face almost as red as her hair.  Hannah just watched them go by with a confused look, and Benny chuckled something about Cas being in ‘hot water’ as they moved into the office.  She released him and spun on her heel.

"I thought I told you to forget about Dean?" she snapped.  Castiel blinked.

"Good morning to you, too," he muttered, grabbing her wrist and gently lowering her hand off his shirt.  "Charlie, what is the big deal?”

“You really have to ask me that?”

“We're friends, nothing else,” Cas forced a laugh, just to keep from snapping at her for being so childish.   _Why can’t she get it?_  “I know we can't be anything else, and I'm okay with it.  As I’ve told you a million times before."  She narrowed her eyes at him.

"Except you're not over him, like you keep claiming to be."  Castiel rolled his eyes, but the gesture was hollow, and a cold sweat tickled the back of his neck.  If she'd said that to him two days ago he would have wholeheartedly disagreed, but after the last night…

"Charlie-"

"You're not, I can see it!”  She shook him by the shoulder.  “Castiel, this isn't fair to you, it isn't.  You're pining over Dean, pretending you’re okay with just friends, and you could be out living your life."  Castiel frowned, not sure he was hearing this from Charlie, and also not sure what life she was talking about in this small town.  She claimed to be friends with both of them, and yet here she was judging Dean and not trusting Castiel.

"I'm not doing this with you, I'm not."  He turned to go but she stepped in front of him, cutting him off from the door.

"Dean isn't going to care that he's breaking your heart, he's not the type of person to care. Eventually he's going to leave you just like he does everyone else, just drive away for months and then what?"  Castiel was getting angry, not just at Charlie, but at the fact that she didn't know Dean like he did.  As crazy and unhealthy as their relationship was, he knew the real Dean, the Dean no one else knew.  He knew Dean would care, did care about people and how they felt. He'd spent hours one night just crying, letting loose the guilt he felt over all the lost opportunities he'd had.  What no one seemed to understand about Dean was it wasn't that he didn't care, but it hurt too much to show it.  His fingers twitched into fists.

"Do NOT presume to speak for Dean, and do not assume you know everything you think you do about me, or him for that matter,” he snapped.  She physically took a step back.  “As much as you claim to know Dean, you obviously don’t understand him.”  He took her by the shoulders, moving her gently out of his way.  “I'm going to go take a shower, then make some pies, and you will not give me crap about this again."  He spat the last words, venting some of his anger and left her bewildered in the office.  He stormed through the cafe, not even pausing when Hannah called out to him, climbing up to his apartment, stripping as he locked the door behind himself.  He got right in the shower, washing off and trying to scrub off his anger.

Who was she to tell him what to do with his life?  Yes, he had to admit that after last night, maybe his side of the relationship with Dean wasn't necessarily even keel.  He cared way more about Dean than he thought he did, and it was obvious to him now.  He still believed, in spite of all that, their friendship did more good than harm.  Just the other day, Dean had talked to Castiel about some issues he was trying to work out with Sam, a hard conversation for both of them because it brought back painful memories on both sides.  After that talk, he and his brother had mended a few bridges they had broken over the years, and Cas had never seen Dean happier.

More importantly, Castiel wasn't as afraid anymore.  He didn't feel alone in the world, waiting for his brothers to show up and ruin his life again.  Dean had said he was a part of his family, and hearing someone tell him that filled him with a happiness he had never felt before, and that happiness was worth everything to Cas.  He finished his shower, pulling on his clothes he used for baking, an old tshirt and jeans he didn't care about getting covered in flour and fruit.  He walked back down to the cafe, wrapping up in an apron in the back and setting to making more pie for the week.  He worked fast, he knew all the recipes by heart, and by nightfall he had a handful of pies in the holding cooler, and a few crusts ready to be filled the next day.  It was more than he'd done in a single day in a long time, and the labor felt good, helping him clear out his anger and his thoughts.

"Castiel? The store's clear, I'm going to head home," Hannah said, peeking in the back room at closing time.  Castiel smiled at her.

"Sure thing, thanks for your help," he said.  She hesitated, fidgeting with her purse strap.

"Is everything okay?" she asked.  Castiel shrugged, sliding the crusts into a cooler before pulling off his apron.

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, Charlie seemed pretty upset today... it's none of my business, I just..." Hannah continued picking at her purse strap, watching Castiel a little nervously.

"Yeah, we uh, had a bit of a fight,” he admitted.  “Sorry you had to see that."  Castiel dropped his apron in the laundry basket and shut down the lights in the kitchen, leaving only some small dim lights by the doors.

"If there's anything I can do," she said immediately, and Castiel was reminded of why he hired her in the first place.  She was a good person, kind hearted and giving, and she was a nice reminder that some good people like her still existed in the world. Castiel gave her a reassuring smile as they walked out of the cafe together, pausing to turn and lock the door behind him, sighing heavily.

"Thanks, Hannah, but we're okay.  I'll see you tomorrow."  She nodded and spun on her heel, heading for her car.  Castiel sighed, rubbing at his temples as he paced back and forth outside the shop.  If Charlie was upset enough for Hannah to say something, he probably should call her and try to set things right.  He pulled out his phone and dialed, leaning against the outside of the building.  After a few rings she answered.

"What is it?" she sighed.

"I'm calling to apologize, you didn't deserve that earlier."  Castiel said calmly.  After a few huffs from the other side of the line, Charlie finally said something.

"Yeah, I suppose I owe you an apology, too.  I was a bit unfair."

"You were about half right, Charlie.  Dean and I... We've become real close, I've gotten to know him. I just think you're wrong about him is all, okay?"

"I suppose the nature of your relationship is your own business.  I just care about you, Cas, both of you, I don't want to see you get hurt, you know?  But if you say you and Dean are okay, who am I to judge?"

"Thanks, honestly."  Castiel smiled, and he heard Charlie laugh softly on the other side of the line.

"Okay, kiss kiss, made up?" she said.

"Absolutely.  See you later."

"Bye Cas."  He grinned as he hung up the phone, feeling better about the whole situation.

When Castiel opened the bottom door to his apartment, he jumped when he realized Dean was sitting on the steps in front of his door.

"Dean? What the hell are you doing here?" he asked, his heart jumping around his ribcage from the shock.  Dean shrugged.

"I smelled pie?"  Castiel managed a small smile at the lame excuse, pushing past Dean in the narrow stairway to open his door, brushing against him as he moved past.  He walked into the kitchen as Dean closed the door behind them, grabbing his bottle of rum from the cabinet.  Dean raised an eyebrow.

“What?  It’s been that kind of day,” Castiel shrugged, and Dean gestured for him to continue.

"I guess Charlie gave you an earful," he said.  Castiel chuckled, without humor in it.

"We've already made up, but I just..." Castiel sighed, "I'm an adult, and I'm older than her, and about a foot taller, and.... she still treats me like a child sometimes."  He grabbed a can of Coke from the fridge, putting ice in two cups and making him and Dean each a drink without asking if Dean was staying long enough for one.  He knew Dean well enough to know if he'd shown up, he wasn't going to just turn and go a minute later.  "She's trying to tell me how to live and I just..." Dean took his drink, tapping it against Castiel's.

"I got an earful, too.  She called me a little while ago."  He took a drink, coughing slightly at how strong Castiel had mixed the drinks.

"What did she say?" Castiel asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.  Dean met his eyes for a moment, then turned his head away.

"Look, Cas, I didn't ask..."

"Dean-" Castiel was startled by Dean's sudden nervousness.

"She was doing the run on sentence thing and-"

"What did she say?" Castiel repeated.  It wasn't like Dean to beat around the bush like this.  Dean took a large gulp of his drink to give himself a moment.

"I don't want things to change," Dean said quietly, "I really don't and if I could go back and not answer her call I would."  He tapped his cup with his finger distractedly.  "I don't even think she realized she said it, it was all a big jumble of angry words... but she said some things about how you feel... about me."  

Castiel felt the floor fall out from under him, and dropped into a chair at his kitchen table.  

He had assured Charlie he didn't feel that way about Dean anymore, time and again, but if she hadn't believed him... He felt a nervous sweat break out on his palms.  The fact that Dean was there was a good thing right?  Or was he trying to tell Castiel in person he didn't want to be around him anymore?  He was furious, he was terrified, he was nauseous.  He was strangely relieved…

"Charlie does have a way with words.  I'm sorry," Castiel said quietly, focusing on the ice floating in his cup.  He couldn't look at Dean, couldn't bring himself to face those green eyes.  How could she do that to Castiel?  He took a few deep breaths, trying to come up with a reasonable explanation.  What Dean said about the run on sentence made sense, it was probably an accident, she had said too much without meaning to.  It didn't make it hurt any worse, nor make the ill feeling in his stomach go away, but it was something to cling to.

"Don't apologize, Cas.  I'm the one who should be sorry," Dean said quietly, sitting in the chair across from him.  Cas felt his brow furrow in confusion, but still kept his eyes focused on his drink.  "After last night... I was probably sending all sorts of mixed signals, and I just... I shouldn't have.  I promised you I wouldn't."

"We were both drunk," Castiel pointed out, his voice an embarrassed mumble.

"Doesn't make it better."  Dean took a deep breath.  "Look, man, you're my friend, and you mean a lot to me.  The way we can just talk about anything... I don't want this to change.  But I don't want you to cling to me with false hope."  Castiel lowered his drink onto the table.

"This _is_ going to change, Dean," Castiel sighed. almost inaudibly.  In the quiet that followed, Castiel could practically hear his heart beating in his chest.  “There’s no way it won’t change.”  Dean nodded, swirling the ice in his cup.

"Is it true?" Dean asked quietly.  Castiel shrugged.

"Whether it is or isn't is irrelevant.  You won't be able to look at me the same way again, you know you won't."

"But is it true?" he asked again.  Castiel was staring hard at the table in front of Dean's hands, but he made himself look at Dean, not wanting to shy away from this, hiding like he was ashamed.

"I've... felt some things about you, yes.  In the past."  He pushed through the blush he knew was dusting his cheeks.  "But what neither of you seem to get is I don't care that they'll never be returned.  I'm not sitting around waiting for you to change.  If I meet someone else, and I feel something for them, I'll easily move on."  Dean rolled his eyes.

"Gee, thanks."  Castiel recognized the jest in Dean's voice, but he kept his tone serious.

"I just want you to understand me, Dean.  Understand that I'm not trying to guilt trip you. You just happen to be hard to resist."  Castiel dropped his eyes from Dean, focusing back on the ice melting in his drink.  Dean sat there in silence for a minute or two, not saying anything or even moving.  Castiel wished he would scream, joke, laugh, storm out; anything was better than silence.

"Okay," he said finally.  Castiel blinked.

"Okay?" he repeated.  Dean stood, smiling down at Castiel.

"Yeah, okay."  Castiel was still confused, still didn't understand what Dean was saying.

"Dean, what..." Dean reached out and placed a hand on Castiel's shoulder.

"I meant what I said last night, Cas.  You've become family to me.  You say things are going to change, I'm telling you that’s what’s changing."  Castiel felt a lump in his throat, swallowing hard to remove it and smiling at Dean.

"Okay." Castiel said again.  Dean left with a smile on his face, but Castiel still wasn't sure what had happened.  Dean was more than Castiel deserved, and that was all he knew.

 

True to his word, Dean didn't let any discomfort he might have felt change their friendship. If anything, it started to grow stronger.  It really felt like nothing had changed, and Castiel was beyond elated, if a bit confused by the whole thing.  He tossed it up to good luck and tried not to think about it, not wanting to jinx anything.

One month passed and he could almost convince himself that conversation had never happened.

Two months passed and he managed to go on a few dates with the same girl.  It didn't work out, turned out she wasn't quite as comfortable with Castiel's sexuality as she claimed, but it gave him perspective, and gave Dean a good laugh.

Three months passed, and he and Dean were out celebrating with Sam.  Prematurely, Castiel thought, Sam had only bought the engagement ring that morning, but when Dean had caught him with it, he couldn't help himself, dragging Sam and Castiel out to a bar for some drinks.

"Here's to my baby brother, finding that special someone!" Dean toasted.  They were in one of the many grungy bars Dean liked to frequent, sitting at a high top.

"Thanks, Dean," Sam said, not really sounding thankful at all.  In fact, he was more than a little embarrassed at being caught in the first place and it was hilarious to Dean.  Castiel almost felt bad for the younger Winchester

"Least I can do," Dean said as he ordered another round of drinks.

"Okay, if I show up at my apartment drunk, Jess is going to figure out something's up." Sam said, standing to leave and raising his hands at Dean's protests.

"C'mon, Sam! The night is young!"

"You guys have fun." Sam embraced his brother and left with a wave.  Dean sighed.

"Just you and me now," he said, shrugging at Castiel.

"Guess so," he said. Dean tossed back a shot, glancing around the bar casually, and Castiel recognized the look in his eyes.  He shook his head firmly, trying to head him off before he got started.

"Dean, no, not again.  Last time with Meg didn't turn out that great, remember?" Dean smiled innocently.

"Dude, come on. How many times have you played wing man for me?"  Dean was adamant, refusing to give up in spite of Castiel's protestations.  "You need to get laid, like yesterday." They tossed back another shot, and Castiel winced as the alcohol burned its way down his throat.

"Dean, unlike you I don't find a need to expose the entire world to my sexual prowess on a nightly basis," he sighed, but his protests were falling on deaf ears.

"I've got three chicks lined up, but if you're in the mood for the other white meat, I've got bubkiss.  All the guys here tonight look like douche bags."  Castiel laughed.

"It's because all the guys that come to this bar are just like you Dean," he sighed.  Dean adopted an offended look of mock innocence.

"How dare you suggest such things about me!" he said, ordering another round of drinks. Castiel sighed, hoping he didn't get too drunk to actually go through with whatever Dean was trying to set up. vAs the waitress brought the drinks over, Castiel looked up and caught a glimpse of the men who had just walked into the bar.  Immediately he ducked his head down, hoping he wouldn't be noticed.

"I should go," he mumbled.

"What? Why? Look, I'll stop if you want," Dean was genuinely confused at his change of mood.  Castiel pointed at the door.

"If he's here, I don't want to be." Dean turned and the moment his eyes fell on the new comers, he scowled.

"I didn't like him even before you told me what he did." he grumbled.

Richard Roman had just walked in, dressed up like a Ken doll with way too white teeth, a goon on either side of him like always.  He had a reputation in town for being a snake, and as a real estate agent it suited him.  He also was well known for his anti- gay bigotry, and while no one was able to prove he had been involved, he and Charlie's cafe had been victim to hate crime fueled vandalism, on a couple occasions.  The smug look on Richard's face the next day as he hovered outside always made Castiel seethe, but what could he do?  He had told Dean about this a few months ago when Dean had found a hateful note attached to the door of the cafe on his way to visit, and it had properly pissed Dean off.

"Dean, please, let's just go." Castiel saw the subtle change in Dean and knew it was too late.  He was already puffing up, getting angry and ready for a fight.  Maybe Richard could sense it, because his eyes fell on Castiel and he made straight for their table.

"Castiel buddy, how's it going?" he asked in a tone that dripped with sarcasm and loathing. Castiel felt his face burn but didn't say anything.

"He'd probably be a lot better if you weren't bothering him, Dick," Dean snapped.  He looked at Dean with recognition dawning on his face.

"Dean Winchester, good to see you back home again.  Wish I had been here for your homecoming, I was away on business."  Oh great, they knew each other.  Castiel desperately wanted to run out the door, but he couldn't leave Dean alone here.

"Still just a big bullying prick, like always," Dean said, a smile on his face that was anything but friendly.

"What's the matter Dean?" he said, winking at Castiel, who felt a flush run up his ears, "Been through all the girls in town too many times, trying out another flavor?"

"Well, your mom will still have me, so there's that."  Richard tried to shove Dean from his bar stool, but Dean knocked his hands away and stood instead.  The other patrons in the bar started moving away, sensing something about to happen.  Castiel watched the two men size each other up, slipping from his bar stool slowly.

"Dean... Let's go," he said quietly. "Please..." When Dean's gaze met his, the anger in his face made Castiel physically take a step back, he was so stunned.

"Well boys, looks like Dean here is having a lovers spat," Richard said, the two guys he was with smirking along with his joke.  Castiel hated that he had gotten Dean into this, hated that this was all because of him.  He stood and fidgeted, not knowing what to do.

"Okay, Dick, here's how this is going to go." Dean put a heavy emphasis on his name, "I'm gonna beat your ass down, and you're never going to bother me or Castiel again, understood?" Dean was flushed and shaking, the need to fight obvious on his face.  After a few moments, Castiel was shocked that, in spite of his two goons with him, Richard backed down.

"Not worth my time," he spat, and they left, nearly knocking Castiel over as they brushed past.  Dean grabbed Castiel's arm and stormed out the side door before he could say anything. Castiel could feel himself bruising under Dean's grip.

"The hell was that?" Dean snapped as they got outside.

"What was what?" Castiel said, rubbing at his arm.  He wasn't the one that almost started a bar fight.

"You were just going to let those guys walk all over you, weren't you?" He was angry, but Castiel was beginning to see it wasn't at him, Dean was deflecting like he always did.

"It's easier that way," Castiel sighed.

"Easier? So you'd rather just suffer through all the shit they pull than stand up for yourself." Dean's anger was diminishing, but Castiel' shame wasn't.  He stared at the floor, trying to keep calm himself.

"I won't lie, yeah, it hurts, more than a lot sometimes." He took a breath to try and stop tears from forming.  "I'm used to it, Dean.  I've lived with it my entire life, and sometimes it's just easier to sit and take it."  Dean stood there for a moment, calming himself down and looking at Castiel curiously.  "Why are you so angry anyway?" Castiel asked.  Dean kept looking at him strangely, and it made Castiel more than a little uncomfortable.

"You shouldn't have to take crap like that, Cas," he said quietly.  "Especially not from those punk ass sons of bitches.  You don't deserve it."  Castiel waved his hand dismissively, trying to ignore the blush from Dean’s compliment.

"I know why Richard bullies me, and I don't know, I just..." Castiel trailed off, trying to figure out what he wanted to say.  Dean raised an eyebrow, waiting for an explanation, so Castiel took a deep breath and launched into the story.  "We were both in college, different schools but there was a big multi state career event.  We were both going to school for business, so we found ourselves going to most of the same booths and panels.  We ran into each other at a party, and we both had a bit too much to drink and... well he wasn't exactly pleased when he woke up in my bed the next morning."  Dean stared at him for a few moments, then burst out laughing.  If Castiel didn't still have shame burning in his gut he might have managed more than a small smile.

"Seriously? Dick Roman? You slept with Dick Roman?" Castiel felt the shame start to lift, Dean's laugh breaking through his bad mood and making him laugh too.

"Is it so hard to believe? I'm a hot date you know," he felt a smile reach across his face.

"Oh, I believe it," Dean patted Castiel on the back, still chuckling softly.

"I don't think he ever got over the embarrassment.  Made my life a living hell when he realized I had moved here.  I had no idea he was here when I moved, of course, life is funny that way."  Castiel reached out and touched Dean's arm briefly.  "I appreciate what you did in there, Dean.  I do, just know next time it's not worth getting in a bar fight over."  Dean met his gaze, the apology written in his eyes and Castiel felt his heart leap.  He quickly shoved it back down, looking away and hoping Dean didn't notice.

He hadn't felt that in _months_.  Maybe it was leftover adrenaline from the almost bar fight, but no matter how he tried to convince himself, he knew he was just pleased Dean thought he was worth defending.

"All right, got it.  Let's get you home, ok?" Dean clapped him on the back and they walked to Dean's car.  The ride back was quiet, Castiel wasn't sure what else to say about what had happened.  ‘Thanks for almost getting in a bar fight’ sounded a bit odd, and not to mention the random nerves crawling around under his skin.  Dean drove up to Castiel's building, parking out front.

"Thanks Dean," Castiel said.

"You're welcome. You sure you're ok?" he asked.  Castiel managed to look at him, touched by the concern in his face.

"I'm fine," he said a bit more calmly.  It was only half true, but it was enough to convince Dean.  He was fine about the bar fight, anyway.

"You just look a bit wound up." Dean chuckled. "You know what you need?"

"Some tea and sleep?" Castiel asked innocently.  Dean laughed, and Castiel couldn't help but smile.

"You still need to get laid, my friend."  Dean said it so casually, but the moment he did Castiel's brain went places it shouldn't, his eyes quickly flicking to Dean’s lips and to the hands gripping the steering wheel...  He wanted to just turn it all off, but he couldn't stop it from churning. He was a mess, and there was no way he could be hiding it all from Dean, but he swallowed hard, playing it off the best he could.

"You're not giving it up, are you?" Castiel managed to say calmly.

"Dude, trust me. I know what I'm talking about."

"I'll keep that in mind," Castiel said, only half smiling at Dean's jest.  Dean looked at him oddly.

"Hey, sorry, I didn't..." Castiel felt his ears burning.

"I'm going to bed," Castiel muttered.

"Hey, I'm sure tea will work just fine." Dean said, a bit remorsefully.  Castiel climbed out of the car quickly.

"See you later," he called, walking up to his door without looking back.  Dean pulled away and Castiel practically ran up to his apartment, trying to leave the nerves behind.  Once inside he collapsed on the couch, pulling off his shoes and burying his face in his hands.

It had been three months.  Three whole months without a single romantic thought about Dean, he'd said one thing about Castiel having sex and now all he wanted was Dean, his touch, his comfort, his everything.  He considered him his best friend, they had shared so much with each other how could they not be?  Something about tonight, how Dean was so willing to jump into a bar fight with three guys all on Castiel's behalf, and the strange looks he was giving him... He shook his head, trying to clear those thoughts out by force.  No, he wasn't going down that road again, not this time.  He got ready for bed, resigned to the fact he wouldn't be sleeping much that night.

It was a few days before he heard from Dean again, but Castiel's relapse had gotten worse, not better, and seeing Dean's name pop up on his phone turned his stomach in knots.  He didn't answer, just continued working, focusing on customers and food, and trying to tell himself the pie didn't remind him of Dean.  Every day since the night at the bar Castiel had been unable to get Dean from his mind, and every night he had been unable to sleep, seeing Dean's face every time he closed his eyes.  That day at work had been the worst so far, and every nerve in Castiel's body was on edge.  Every time the door would jingle, he would look up sharply, both wishing and dreading Dean was the one walking through it.  When Charlie walked up next to him and tapped him on the shoulder, he jumped, dropping a mug and shattering it.

"Sorry," he mumbled, bending to pick it up.  She bent to help, concern written all over her face.

"Castiel, what's going on? You seem out of sorts today, to say the least," she said softly.  He felt the heat start to crawl up his face, knowing she wouldn't leave it alone until he told her.  As he tried to come up with something to say, a piece of mug sliced into his palm.  "Castiel!" Charlie grabbed a handful of napkins, pressing them into the palm of his hand.

"It's not that bad," he winced, trying to put on a brave face.  She looked right at him, not buying his act for a second.

"What has gotten into you? Go take care of that, I got this," she said, shooing him into the back.  He walked into the office, shutting the door behind him, holding the napkins tight against his hand.  He dropped tiredly into the chair and pulled out the first aid box, but his mind wasn't there in the office.  What was happening to him?  He felt a tear run down his cheek, and he couldn't figure out why he was crying.

"Hey, Castiel, you okay?  Charlie asked me to check on you?"  The voice was coming through a closed door, but he knew it, he would know it anywhere.  Without waiting for a response, Dean walked in, and the moment the door closed behind him, he dropped his outer persona and rushed over to him, concern evident on his face.

"Dean, I'm fine..." he muttered, but Dean cut him off.

"You're bleeding, so mark that up to not fine," he said, shaking his head.  Castiel felt the tears still falling down his cheek, he couldn't stop them no matter how hard he tried.  He watched as Dean took his hand, cleaning and bandaging the cut for him.  His touches were gentle, in spite of his calloused hands, more gentle than Castiel thought they would be, and he felt another wave of tears building underneath his skin.

"Thanks," he said, pulling his hand away quickly once Dean had finished.  Dean frowned, an odd look on his face.

"Is this still about the other night?" Dean asked.  Castiel just shrugged.

"I don't know, I just..." he couldn't look at Dean, so he focused on the corner of his desk. "Maybe I was a bit more upset than I thought.  Dick can be a dick." he mumbled.  It was the first time he had lied outright to Dean, and it hurt more than the cut on his hand did.  Dean leaned on the edge of the desk, right next to Castiel, and they sat in silence for a few moments.

"You're lying," Dean said softly.  Castiel nearly swallowed his tongue.  "You've never lied to me before."  Castiel felt his ears burn but when he opened his mouth to say something, a strangled sob escaped instead, and he hung his head, embarrassed.  If Dean was upset with Castiel, he didn't show it, he just bent and wrapped Castiel in a hug, pulling Cas against him, letting him drop his forehead against Dean’s shoulder.  Castiel closed his eyes and breathed in Dean for the first time: whiskey, motor oil, old leather, and aftershave, and in spite of him knowing just how bad an idea it was, he breathed deep, letting it wash through him and comfort him.  He felt his tears begin to subside, replaced by the familiar butterflies, back from wherever they'd been hiding.  Dean let go before it became too awkward, holding onto Castiel just about as long as you platonically could.

"I'm sorry Dean, I..."  A little truth wouldn't hurt, right? Just enough to convince Dean he was okay.  "I was just worried about you, about you getting hurt on my behalf. I would never want that..."

"Dude, I'd take any excuse to punch Dick Roman in the face, it's not your fault." Dean smiled and Castiel felt a tug at the corner of his lips.  He felt better, even though he knew he shouldn’t, and the dance his insides were doing wouldn't stop.  Dean clapped him on the back.

"I'm going to bring over some pizza for dinner, since you probably shouldn't be cooking with that hand," he said as he walked to the door.  The thought of him alone with Dean in his apartment scared him back into reality.

"Dean, I think... I want to be alone tonight," he said softly.  Dean considered him for a moment, another strange look on his face.  After a while, he nodded.

"Alright, let me know if you need anything."  He pulled the door open and left, and Castiel’s head fell forward into his hands.  He didn't understand how he felt better, and yet more miserable at the same time.  He wandered back out front and told Charlie he was heading home, and left before he could see it was more than an injured hand bothering him.  He made it upstairs and into bed, kicking off his shoes before collapsing, staring at the ceiling.  There was a pain in his chest, and it hurt more than anything had hurt him before.  He thought the words before he could stop himself.

_I love him._

_And I never stopped._

He rolled over, burying his face in his pillow.  Charlie had been right all along.  It had been nearly seven months, and nothing had changed from the day he met him.  All this time he had been telling himself he was okay, he was fine, he was over it.  One hug, one breath against Dean's shoulder, one intimate moment and Castiel has lost the fight.  The battle was over, he'd lost.

_I'm in love with Dean._

He eventually cried himself to a fitful sleep, welcoming unconsciousness willingly.


	5. The World Comes Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might be a few days before the next chapter gets posted, but I'm working on it!! Enjoy the smut ^_-
> 
> BETA READ AND UPDATED

_Bang, bang._

Couldn't they tell Castiel was sleeping? Rude.

_Bang, bang, bang._

Oh, wait, was that his front door?

"Castiel? You okay?" came a muffled voice from outside.

He sat up, now wide awake.

Dean was at his door.

He stood and walked out of his room, taking a deep breath before answering the door.  Dean was there with a pizza, just like he'd said he would be, in spite of Castiel telling him not to bother.  He stepped aside for Dean to enter out of habit, closing the door behind him.

"Did you fall asleep?" Dean asked, smirking at Castiel.  He reached up to try and calm his hair as Dean continued talking. "I know you said you wanted to be alone, and usually I'd respect that, but I ran into a problem on my way home.  You see, I stopped to get dinner and realized I couldn't finish this whole thing by myself, that would just be depressing."  Dean had walked straight into the kitchen like he'd done a million times before on his visits to Castiel's place.  He reached into cabinets, pulling out plates, napkins and cups, pouring them drinks and serving food. There was nothing extraordinary about what Dean was doing, but it had Castiel on edge.

"Dean, you really didn't have to do this, I didn't want to cause you any trouble."  Castiel pulled the gauze off his hand absently as Dean placed their food on the table.  He noticed the cut wasn't as bad as he'd originally thought, so he tossed the bandage in the trash.

"It’s no trouble, Cas.  I'm not going to leave my best friend alone when he's clearly upset about something.  So you're stuck with me."  He gave Castiel a mischievous wink, and Castiel sighed, sitting at the table where Dean had set out his food.  As they sat, Castiel's nerves settled enough to eat, and Dean chatted absently about work.  The car talk still mostly went over Castiel's head, but he was picking up on small things here and there the longer he was friends with Dean, enough to engage a little in the conversation.  After they got through most of the pizza, it was like the night at the bar hadn't happened, like they had gone back to how they were before Castiel realized he still...

And the moment of peace was gone, Castiel's appetite following shortly after.  He pushed away the last half of his slice of pizza, finding a spot on his table to focus on.  He could feel Dean's eyes on him and had never felt more exposed.

"I wanted to apologize," Dean said after watching Castiel for a moment, the seriousness in his voice pulling Castiel out of his musings.

"What for, Dean?"

"Before Dick showed up at the bar.  When I was, for lack of a better term, trying to pimp you out."  Castiel blushed, waving his hand dismissively.   _Why_ couldn’t Dean just let it go?

"Dean, it's not a big deal."

"Yes, it is," he sighed, scrubbing a hand over his chin.  "I know you Castiel.  You think I don't know when I'm making you uncomfortable, pushing your buttons?  I crossed a line I shouldn't have this time, and I'm sorry."  Castiel knew Dean was just trying to make things better, but his apology was making him feel worse.  "I shouldn't have tried to press you into something like that.  Especially when-" Dean stopped abruptly, and Castiel felt himself blush a deeper crimson.  He definitely did not want to hear how that sentence was going to end.

"Dean, I said it was okay, didn't I?" he snapped, angrier than he meant to.  He stood to take their plates to the sink, trying to keep calm, to keep his thoughts together, but his brain felt foggy.

"You lied to me today, Cas.  I can tell something's wrong."  Dean's voice grew gentle, and he was being so earnest, so genuine, it made Castiel's heart hurt.  He set their plates down in the sink, hating that he had been backed into this corner, where he could keep lying to his best friend, or tell him how badly he wanted more than a friend.  He turned, leaving the kitchen, and Dean stood, following him.

"It's nothing, Dean.  I'm trying to sort some stuff out," he decided on the lie, mumbling with his eyes downcast, walking towards the front door quickly.  He still hadn't turned to look at Dean, but he was aware of his presence right behind him.

"It doesn't seem like nothing," he said quietly.

"I'm really tired, honestly that's it. Thank you for dinner, but maybe you should just go." Castiel started to open the door but Dean's arm pushed past him, both closing the door quickly and bringing him close to Castiel, so close Castiel was able to feel the warmth radiating off him.  Castiel froze, facing the door, afraid to move.

"You really want me to go?" Dean asked softly, something in his voice Castiel had never heard before.

What was happening? What was Dean _doing_?  His heart began to race in his chest.  This was intimate, closer than friends should be, and it was sending Castiel's brain spinning.  He refused to get his hopes up, maybe Dean just wanted to talk about something, maybe it wasn't anything and Castiel was freaking out for no reason.  Dean leaned in closer, bringing his body so close to Castiel's they were almost touching.  He could feel his breath on his neck, and the goosebumps that breath chased down his arms.

Castiel shuddered, unable to stop himself.

"It's me, isn't it?" Dean asked quietly, his voice both sad and awed, if that was even possible.  "I'm still your problem."  Castiel swallowed hard.  No, he wasn't going to have this conversation.  Not when every cell in Castiel's body was crying out for Dean to cross the distance, the few inches that separated them, and his heart ached so much.

"Dean, we'll talk about this tomorrow, please I just need to sleep."  Dean's other arm moved past him, effectively pinning him against the door.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Dean sighed, his voice heavy.  Castiel felt emotions surging through him, and he struggled for composure.  Why would he tease Castiel like this, be this cruel?  It brought tears to his eyes that he could even consider the idea Dean would do that to him… but if he was serious, that meant…

"Because, Dean, it hurts too much."  It came out harsher than he would have liked, but it was the truth, and he had to at least give that to Dean.  They stood in silence for a moment, Dean's breath still warming the back of his neck.

"I didn't want to... I don't want you to hurt," Dean said quietly, “but Castiel you... You know me.  I don't have to hide when I'm with you.  I tried to stop this, but it's getting harder..."  He took a deep breath, while Castiel was holding his.  "It's getting harder to pretend I don't feel something for you.  And that night at the bar I just..."  Castiel still couldn't turn to face him, couldn't do anything but stand there and struggle to breathe.  Those words, he had imagined Dean saying them so many times before, could this all just be another daydream?

"Dean..."

"When did you know?"  Dean's voice was hushed, but each word rung in his ears.  Castiel hung his head, pressing his forehead against his door.  He wanted to play dumb, to ask Dean what he meant, but they both knew each other too well for that.

"The day I met you," Castiel whispered, a tear running down his cheek that he was powerless to stop.  "But anyone and everything told me you were straight, and I just.... I wanted to be friends if we could never be more, because I still couldn't let you go.  Maybe it was a mistake."  Dean leaned closer, pressing his body against Castiel' back, the touch pulling a small gasp from his throat.  Every nerve in Castiel's body was burning.

"Don't say that," the urgency in Dean's voice and the pain stunned Castiel.  "Don't you ever call us a mistake."  Castiel trembled at the touch of Dean's body against his, the warmth of their contact, something he had wanted for so long.

"You shouldn't..." was all he managed to get out before his voice got stuck in his throat.

"Dammit, Castiel," he sighed.  The sound of Dean's voice saying his name so close to his ear brought him back to reality.  Castiel pushed his back against Dean's chest, making him take a step back so Castiel was finally able to move away from the door, turning to face him.

"Do you know how hard it's been?  How hard I've had to try and tell myself I didn't-" Castiel snapped, but the hurt on Dean's face shut him up.

"You think this is easy for me?  Admitting this to you?" Dean said softly.  Castiel didn't want it to be soft, he wanted Dean to shout, to be angry, because that would make all of this easier.  Would keep it from hurting so much.  "My whole life I've never looked twice at a guy, never felt a damn thing."  He took a step towards Castiel, closing the distance.  "Then I met you, and you were everything no one else in my life was.  You understood, you cared, you didn't..." Castiel wanted to wrap Dean in his arms, wanted to rain kisses on that beautiful face, but managed to keep himself in check, pushing Dean back by his shoulders and stepping away from him again.  This was too much, and he wasn't even sure it was real.

"I don't..." Castiel started, steeling his nerves.  "I want to believe something can happen here, I really do Dean but I know you."  Castiel hated himself for the words he was saying, hated the feel of them as they left his lips.  "Tomorrow, you'll go back to work, back to life.  You'll tell yourself you were drunk, you were feeling sentimental, that it didn't really mean anything, this conversation.  You'll pretend it never happened because it's easier than facing it."  Castiel felt the tears on his cheeks, unable to hold them back.  "And then the next time you see me, it'll all come crashing back.  You'll apologize, we'll have a few beers, then you'll go on again, pretending we're still just friends.  Pretending that we could still be friends when I-"  He swiped at his tears angrily, walking away from Dean towards the living room.

"Castiel..." He cut Dean off with a wave of his hand before he could make Castiel change his mind.

"I won't settle for half of you, Dean.  I won't.  You're my best friend, and I want that, but," he took a deep breath, bracing himself against what he knew he should do, "I think you should go."  Those were the hardest five words Castiel had ever said.  He kept his back turned to Dean, his body shaking with suppressed sobs.  He waited to hear Dean's footsteps recede, waited to hear the door shut and Dean walk out of his life, their blissful friendship over for good.  But he didn't hear anything, Dean wasn't leaving, or moving at all.  The only evidence Castiel wasn't alone was a soft breathing behind him.

After a few minutes, he heard the rustle of fabric, and then the sound of something being tossed on the floor.  A moment after that, he felt strong arms wrap around him, gently pulling him close.  Dean's arms were bare, and Castiel realized from a glimpse out of the corner of his eye Dean had taken off his coat and flannel shirt, his t-shirt clinging to his muscled frame tightly.

"I don't want to go," Dean whispered in his ear.  Castiel squeezed his eyes closed, afraid to move, to breathe, to think, because Dean, his Dean was holding him, an arm wrapped around his chest, the other snaking down his arm to grab his hand.   _Is this really happening?_  No it couldn't be.  He was about to tell Dean to go again, but when he felt lips brush his shoulder through the fabric of his shirt he lost the ability to speak.

This needed to stop, nothing good was going to come of this, Castiel knew it.  He could feel Dean's chest rising and falling, his breathing was quick and shallow, and he trembled slightly. He felt Dean's nose and then his lips again against the back of his neck, gently leaving tentative little kisses in a trail down to his shoulder.  Castiel shuddered again, goosebumps breaking out along his skin.

"Cas, I..." Dean's hands slid down to his stomach, pulling him in tighter against him as he buried his face in Castiel's shoulder, one hand still holding Castiel's.  "I don't want to go, I don't want to leave you."

 _This is a mistake_ , a small voice kept repeating in Castiel's head.

 _I don't care_ , said a second voice, getting louder the longer Dean held him.

Dean's hands brushed against his abs, tracing the small bumps softly through the cotton fabric covering them.  Dean was doing all of this on his own, Castiel was still too scared to move, the only thing that even showed he was alive was his chest rising and falling, the slight tremble in his limbs.  Castiel didn't ask for it, had hardly dared to hope for it, and now here they were.  If Dean hadn't been holding him he was convinced his knees would have given out.  It felt so good to finally feel him pressed against Castiel, and when Dean slightly loosened his grip, Castiel pulled his hand from Dean's and spun to face him before he could change his mind.

If he wasn't convinced it was real before, when he finally met Dean's eyes he knew for sure.  He stared at Castiel as if he was seeing him for the first time, his eyes shining as they bore into Castiel's.  In a way, maybe he was, and the thought thrilled and terrified Castiel at the same time.  When he had turned he had made some space between them, but Dean's hands reached out to his hips, resting softly against the hem of his pants.  Castiel raised a shaky hand up to Dean's chest, resting it on the firm muscle, feeling his heart beat irregularly fast.

"Are you sure about this?"  The small voice of reason in the back of Castiel's mind had one final say, gave each of them one last chance to back out.  Dean's eyes seemed to memorizing Castiel's face, and he knew he was doing the same, trying to take in this moment, because whatever Dean said next was going to change his life.

"No, I'm not sure.  I’m fucking terrified, but that doesn't mean I don't want you," his deep voice was heavy, and Castiel let the words wash over him.  They should really stop and talk about this…

Both his hands traced a line up Dean's chest, up the back of Dean's neck, one running up into his hair, the other pulling him close, chest to chest, their faces so close Castiel could feel Dean's breath, could smell the strange masculine scent that was Dean.  He could see the bridge they were about to cross, and Dean could to, he could see it in his eyes.  They were so close, their lips ghosting each other, both of them wanting and not wanting to take that final step.  Dean ran his own hands up Castiel's back, and when he buried a hand in Castiel's hair, Dean finally leaned in, his lips pressing into Castiel's.

Castiel felt a shock run through his system, and he trembled under Dean's touch.  This was happening, actually happening.  All this time, switching between longing and denial, between almost and never, and here he was, finally in Dean's arms.  He kissed Dean firmly, pulling him close against him with the hand still wrapped in his hair.  Castiel wanted, no needed, more.  This felt so good, it felt so right, he couldn't stop himself from moving deeper into Dean's touch, all reasonable thought gone.  Castiel could feel the change in Dean, his anxiety slowly being replaced with confidence, with desire, and he felt a thrill when Dean finally opened his mouth under his, a tentative tongue sliding through his lips to taste Castiel.  He responded with his own, and he felt the grip Dean had on his lower back grow tighter.

Dean's tongue moved down his jawline to his neck, leaving little kisses in its wake.  Castiel let out a small groan, feeling Dean's chest rise as he took in a deep breath.  It wasn't the only thing rising, Castiel could feel himself getting hard, the pressure in his jeans starting to build.  He dropped his head, kissing gently along Dean's neck and shoulders.  He was rewarded with a small gasp from Dean, and then rewarded again for his efforts shortly after as Dean pushed his hands up under Castiel's shirt, palming at his stomach and his chest as they moved upward.  He let go of Dean long enough for Dean to take off his shirt, Castiel pulling shakily at the fabric of Dean's shirt.  Dean leaned back and took it off, revealing a tattoo over his left pectoral.  Castiel traced it with a finger, a pentagram, surrounded by a flame pattern.

"It's not devil worship," Dean began, an embarrassed look on his face.

"I know, it's a protective symbol," Castiel finished, smiling at him.  "I went to college, remember?"  Dean smiled back, and leaned in, kissing Castiel with a new found confidence.  He wrapped his hands around Castiel's waist and pulled him in close, and Castiel felt his arousal come in contact with Dean's own through their jeans.  Dean moaned into Castiel's mouth, and started to kiss him in earnest, tongue dancing along Castiel's and hands running over every bit of exposed skin.  Castiel hummed at the new show of confidence, a warmth starting to grow deep in his chest, spreading through every inch of his body.  Slowly, he took a few steps back, pulling Dean along to the bedroom, never breaking the kiss.  It seemed more and more like this was actually happening, and Castiel could hardly keep himself from taking Dean the moment they hit the bed.

He laid back, pulling Dean on top of him, a knee on either side of Castiel's waist.  He held Dean's hips just above the fabric of his pants as Dean leaned over him, showering him with kisses along his chest and neck.

"Cas...I just..." Dean's voice was shaking, his breathing coming in ragged gasps.  Castiel ran a hand over his cheek, tracing his lips with his thumb, for a moment lost in the beauty of Dean.

"It's okay, Dean," Castiel whispered, smiling at him.  "Just tell me, and I'll take care of you." Dean swallowed hard, his adam's apple bobbing.

"I've never... I don't know what to do next, I..."  Castiel shushed him, sitting up to kiss him, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him close.  Dean wrapped both his hands up in Castiel's hair, clinging to him almost desperately.  Cas rolled them, laying Dean back on the bed gently.  He bent to Dean's chest, tracing his tattoo with his tongue, his hands mapping every inch of Dean's body until they reached his jeans.  Dean arched his back slightly under Castiel's kisses, watching every move he was making as Castiel ran his fingers along the waist of Dean's jeans.  The bulge was obvious now, tenting Dean's jeans impressively, and he felt his own arousal twitch at the sight.  Gently, and slowly, he undid Dean's belt and button, pulling the jeans away from his erection as he pulled the zipper down.  He pulled away from Dean, grasping his jeans and pulling them down and off slowly, dropping them on the floor.  As he stood above Dean, he couldn't help but smile at the sight, Dean almost naked, his arousal pushing at the fabric of his boxer briefs, staring at Castiel in desperation.

Castiel removed his own jeans while standing, enjoying the hungry look in Dean's eyes as his own arousal came free of his jeans, still wrapped in his boxers but straining to get out.  He crawled back over Dean, raining kisses along his stomach and chest until he reached his mouth, licking into him passionately.  Dean returned the kiss with equal vigor, his hands grasping desperately at Castiel.

"Do you trust me?" Castiel asked, surprised to hear the huskiness in his own voice.  Dean nodded.

"Yes, Cas.  Please..." Castiel kissed a trail down Dean's chest again, down to the waistband of his boxer briefs.  He hooked a finger over the fabric above each hip, pulling them down and off, Dean groaning as his erection pulled free.  Castiel gently took Dean into his hand, only giving him the smallest of caresses.  Dean's eyes widened, and he bit at his lower lip, the sight nod from him giving Castiel the push he needed to go ahead.  He bent his neck and took Dean's head into his mouth, his hand making small movements along his length. Dean grunted, his head falling back against the pillow as Cas took his whole length in, swallowing Dean down expertly then pulling back to repeat the process.  Dean was making small noises in the back of his throat, his hands clinging desperately to the sheets.  Castiel kept his pace slow, trying not to overwhelm Dean.

As it turned out he didn't need to worry about that because only a few minutes later Dean reached down and pulled Castiel off of him, leaning forward and delivering a sloppy kiss.

"Is this real?" he asked into Castiel's lips.

"I hope so," Castiel whispered back.  Dean lifted him bodily, rolling him over and climbing over him, biting gently against his shoulder and chest, a growl escaping his lips.  Without hesitation he pulled off Castiel's boxers, grabbing hold of his erection and stroking it.  The callouses on Dean's hand generated a beautifully pleasurable friction, and Castiel reached out, wrapping his arms around Dean tightly, his fingers digging into the muscles on his back.  He was gasping for air, his heart trying to send oxygen to his body faster than he could get it in his lungs.  He could feel the familiar build in his abdomen, already starting to push towards the surface through Dean’s skilled touch.  He wanted that release, ached for it, but before he could get there, Dean stopped, pulling his hand away and leaning back, looking at Castiel.  Castiel let out an involuntary whine.

"Cas..." he breathed, staring at him with those beautifully lust blown eyes.  He recognized the fear starting to creep up on Dean, so Castiel kissed him, softly, tenderly, all along his lips, cheeks, face.  “Cas baby, I-”  He ran his hand through Dean's hair, soothing him.

"I want you to tell me what you want." Castiel wasn't sure where the words were coming from as he kissed along Dean's collarbone, tracing his chest muscles with his fingers, but they wouldn't stop. "I want you to tell me what makes you feel good. I want to bring you up and tear you down."  He nipped at Dean's neck, feeling him shudder under his touch.  "I want you to come for me," he hissed in Dean's ear.

"Jesus, Cas," Dean breathed, his voice catching in his throat.  His arms shook and he collapsed next to Castiel, both of their hands tracing patterns along the other's bodies, their legs tangled together.  Dean’s eyes grew bashful.  "You've been with a guy before, right?" Dean asked quietly, the nerves in his voice one of the most adorable things Castiel had ever heard.

"I have."  He gave Dean a teasing smile.  "Bottom and top, if you're curious."  He kept raining kisses on Dean as he rolled his hips forward into him, and Dean flushed bright red, something other than embarrassment flashing in his eyes.

"I've never... you know..."

"You've never received," Castiel finished for him, rutting into him again, feeling Dean's length against his own.  Dean leaned forward, burying his head against Castiel's shoulder, grunting at the touch.  "Is that what you want?" he whispered.

"Yes, but..." Dean breathed.  Castiel leaned in, kissing him gently.

"We'll go slow.  I won't hurt you, I promise.  If you want to stop, you just tell me."  He pulled back and waited as Dean made his decision.

"Okay, yes, Cas," he finally breathed, a smile creeping across his face.  Castiel sat up, grabbing some lube out of the nightstand.  He gently rolled Dean over onto his back, so he could see Dean’s eyes, so they could experience this together.  Castiel poured some of the liquid onto his fingers, reaching down to Dean's entrance and gently running them along the outside of the tight muscle.  Dean swallowed hard, tense and nervous, so Castiel continued to just massage him from the outside, leaning in to give Dean a quick kiss.

"Relax, I'll take care of you," he cooed softly.  Dean nodded, taking a few deep breaths and then a sharp one as Castiel slowly and gently slid a finger inside.  He took his time, adding lube and making sure Dean was as comfortable as possible, painstakingly making sure that one finger was moving freely before gently adding the second.  He worked Dean slowly, his other hand giving gentle attention to his erection.  By the time the two fingers were moving freely, Dean was actually moving into Castiel's ministrations, his hips moving in time with the slide of his fingers and the movement of his fist.

"Holy shit, this is..." Dean started, his voice cutting off in a ragged groan as Castiel found his prostate.  "Shit!!" he gasped, his back arching into Castiel's touch.

"I found you," Castiel breathed.  He worked at that spot, careful not to over stimulate, and soon Dean was a moaning mess, sweating and shaking under Castiel.  The sight was bringing Castiel close without a single touch.

"Cas... you're... I'm gonna..."  Dean began to tighten against Castiel's fingers, and Castiel leaned forward, wrapping Dean's body in his.

"Come for me," he breathed and Dean growled, his back arching as he came into Castiel's fist and stomach.  After he had a moment to come down, Castiel slid his fingers out of Dean, wiping them clean on the sheets.

"That was fucking amazing," Dean breathed.  Castiel leaned in and started to kiss him but Dean pulled back.  "You haven't had your chance yet," he said softly, running his hand down Castiel's stomach and taking firm hold of his erection.

"Dean- you don't-" Castiel grunted, but Dean kissed at his jaw, silencing him.

"I want to."  Castiel was nearly there, watching Dean writhing under his touch had gotten him close.  He rolled Castiel over on his side, hand moving expertly along his arousal.  Dean grabbed his ear with his teeth, whispering his name and just like that Castiel was coming, his head buried in Dean's neck, gasping for air.  Dean rained soft kisses wherever he could reach as Castiel came down, grinning foolishly.  Castiel used his sheet to wipe them both down, then grabbed the comforter from the foot of the bed and covered them up, snuggling into Dean's body, fitting against him like it was made for it.  He fell asleep wrapped in Dean's arms, a warm glow in his chest.


	6. No Pain No Gain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took me a long time to get through. But hopefully the rest will come flowing out in all its fluffy glory XD
> 
> BETA'D AS OF 4/4/16

The first thing Castiel noticed when he woke up was he was cold.  When he reached for his blanket through the blur of sleep, he realized he was alone.  The third and final straw was realizing he was naked.

He sat up, fully awake, his heart dropping into his stomach.  The night before rushed back like a good and bad dream, all wrapped up in a mess.  He turned and stared at the rumpled and stained sheet next to him, accusatory and empty.  The apartment was silent, no noise from the bathroom or the kitchen, and with that silence Castiel's heart fell even further.  He checked his phone, no missed calls, no messages.  He tried to ignore the dread pulling a cold sweat to his forehead, crawling out of bed and sliding into some pajamas, making his way slowly to the kitchen.  No notes on the counter, no nothing.  It wasn't until he saw the empty pizza box on the table that all the implications of what happened last night, and also what the empty apartment told him that morning, came crashing down on him.  Dean was gone, he'd left without a word, leaving nothing but a mess behind.  His knees gave out and he collapsed, opening the cut on his hand when he threw it out to catch his fall, sending a shock of pain up his arm as he hit the floor.  He just sat there, watching blood ooze from the cut, like the tears falling from his eyes.

One night, and everything was over.  He felt shame and guilt boiling in the pit that was his stomach, and he fought not to get sick.  It had felt so good to have Dean in his arms, to kiss him, to touch him... They should have stopped, they should have talked about what was happening.  Instead they had tumbled into bed, and now Dean had run out without a word. Castiel didn't know if he would ever be able to look at him again, or if Dean would even want to speak to him again.  Everything he'd worked so hard for in their relationship, thrown away because he couldn't control his biology.  He never wanted to leave his apartment, or brave any kind of human contact ever again for that matter.  Castiel made himself stand, stumbling to his door and locking all three of the locks.  Usually he only used the one deadbolt, the one the key was used for, but Charlie had a key to his apartment, and he didn't think he could bear a surprise visit from her.  When the third bolt slid into place, he walked to the bathroom, starting the water for a shower.  As he stripped and waited for the water to heat up, he started to feel uncomfortable in his skin, the knowledge of what his body had done last night sitting like a betrayal in his gut.  When the mirror began to cloud with steam, he climbed into the shower, washing his now aching cut on his hand, and then washing away all traces of Dean.

The smell of him against his skin, the slight stickiness on his stomach, each memory of their night slowly turning from blissful to painful. His head was throbbing now that the tears had subsided, a pounding beating against his skull like a hammer.  He turned off the water when it went cold, putting on the same pajamas and brushing his teeth.  His phone buzzed and he saw Charlie had texted him throughout his hour long shower.

_ Ch: Is everything okay? Haven't heard from you. How's your hand? _

_ Ch: Hello? Sleep in? _

_ Ch: Seriously Cas, you're half an hour late for work, what's going on? _

_ Ch: Dude, Sam just texted me, said Bobby called and Dean didn't show for work either. PLEASE tell me nothing happened! _

_ Ch: I'm coming up there if you don't text me back. _

He looked at the time on the last one, about ten minutes ago.  Sure enough, there was a clicking noise from the front door as she unlocked the main deadbolt, but when she couldn't open the door, she started to knock.  He walked to his bedroom door, leaning on the door frame and listening to her freak out.

"Cas? Castiel, are you okay? You're not bleeding out on the floor are you?" she called through his door.  He felt like he was, but didn't say anything.  Shame burned a hole in his gut, and he held onto that pain, knowing he deserved every bit of it.  "Cas, c'mon, what happened? You want to talk about it?" She continued to shout, but he shut her voice out.  He wasn't ready for the 'I told you so' yet, he couldn't face her like this.  She had told him about Dean, about how she saw him, but he never thought she'd be right. He hadn't believed the Dean he knew would ever walk out on Castiel like this.  He choked out half a sob and half a bitter laugh.  He had never entertained much hope that he would get to share a night like that with Dean at all, so to be fair maybe he didn't know  _ everything _ the thought he did about Dean.  He slid down the doorframe to the floor, his head in his hands, trying to ignore Charlie's vocal assault on his front door.  It was touching and he loved her for it, but he just couldn't... After she gave up shouting, although Cas would bet good money she was sitting outside his door, Cas pulled himself up off the floor, flopping down into bed, grabbing hold of a pillow and burying his face in it…

It smelled like Dean.

_ God, I'm so fucking screwed. _

He threw the pillow across the room, standing and pulling the sheets off his bed in a flurry, stripping it down to nothing.  He collapsed and sobbed into the fabric of his bare mattress.  This wasn't fair, but life never was.  The singular best night of his life mingled with the pain of losing his best friend, and the emotions twisted a knife into him.  It hurt more than any homophobic taunt, any bullying remarks from his brothers, and it was all Castiel could do just to ride it out.  His body curled up into a ball instinctively, and he lay there, clutching his knees to his chest, sometimes crying, sometimes drifting into a fitful sleep.

By the time he was fully aware of himself again, it was almost midnight.  He rubbed the sleep and dried tears from his eyes, heading into the bathroom to wash his face.  He looked at himself in the mirror, regretting it immediately. He looked awful, his eyes were puffy and bloodshot, and an entire day's worth of stubble was spread across his face.  He pulled on a clean shirt and walked out into the kitchen for some water, only bothering to flip on a single lamp in the hallway.  After downing a glass, he took a deep breath and finally looked at his phone for the first time in almost 18 hours, afraid of what he might find.

He had about 35 variations on the same text from Charlie, asking him to just call her and let her know he was okay.  He scrolled through them all, knowing she would at least see he had read them and he hoped that would be enough to calm her down somewhat.  Just before he closed the app, he noticed that in the midst of all of Charlie's frantic messages, there was one from Dean.  It was time stamped for almost ten hours ago, and Castiel felt a little guilty that he hadn't gotten it till just then.  But why should he feel guilty?  Dean was the one that ran away. Still…

Castiel's heart started to ache, and he tried to decide if he should read the message at all.  He still had a massive headache from crying and wasn't ready to start over again.  What if it was good news, maybe Dean had a reason he had to go?  He stared at the message alert on his phone, just the sight of Dean's name leaving a bad taste in his mouth.  He had never felt worse about himself in his entire life.  He knew he had lost whatever he had with Dean, that it was gone for good and not coming back, so why did this text message scare him so much?  After a few more minutes debate, he finally gave in and opened the message, figuring he had nothing left to lose.

_ D: Cas, I am so, so sorry.  I'll explain everything, just please, give me a chance to, ok? Please? _

That wasn't what Castiel was expecting.

Castiel put his phone down, running his hands through his hair, his mind racing in wild speculation.  What did it even mean? He was sorry for what they'd done? Sorry for leading him along? Sorry for leaving? Castiel felt a writhing in his gut, like his intestines had turned into snakes, wrapping around themselves.  He forced himself to breath, wanting nothing more than to just fall back in bed and sleep until it stopped hurting.  He turned towards his bedroom and was about to do just that when a banging on his door pulled him up short.  It was nearly 1am at this point, and he had no idea who it could be before he realized Charlie had probably called the cops in a panic.  He stood and made his way to the door, taking a deep breath before answering to compose himself, hoping he didn't look too much like a mess.  The last thing he wanted right now was some stranger asking him a bunch of questions he didn't have good answers for.

The person he saw when he opened the door wasn't a policeman, it was Dean.

Castiel actually shut the door right in his face before even thinking.

"Cas, let me in." Dean called through the wood, knocking quietly.  What was he doing here? Castiel squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force calm into his conflicted emotions that were battling for control.

"Why should I?" he asked, trying to put venom in his words, but it just came out sounding tired.

"Look, I know, I... I screwed up." He heard a thump, like Dean had leaned against the door. "Just... Let's talk about this."

"What is there to talk about? We slept together, you left, the end.  I get it, Dean, you're not interested."  Cas felt his heart breaking, wanting nothing more than to open the door and fall into Dean's arms, but dying inside because he couldn't.

"Please, don't say that, please..." Dean pleaded, a sob shaking his voice that sparked the tiniest hope in Castiel's heart.  Odd, that Dean crying made him feel better.  "Cas... I'm ...scared, okay?  I'm terrified of how- of what you mean to me."  Cas' lungs stopped working. "I- I don't do relationships.  I sleep with people and I- I drink away the guilt.  You know, Cas, you've heard my stories."  He paused for a moment.  "I've never wanted anything more than that before.  With you... Castiel, I do.  I want something, and I'm- I… I'm fucking terrified."

"Why did you leave, Dean?" he asked quietly, emotion shaking his voice.  His hand was resting on the wall next to the door, twitching with the urge to unlatch the locks and pull it open.

"I don't know, and I don't have any answers or excuses.  I- the moment I left, all I could think about was…it was the worst decision I’d ever made."  Castiel could hardly hear what Dean was saying over the pounding of his heart.  "This is hard enough to admit as it is, are you really going to make me have this whole conversation through a door?" Castiel took a few deep breaths, trying to stop the room from spinning.  His heart struggled back and forth for a few minutes until finally he closed his eyes, making up his mind.  He knew Dean, he could hear it in Dean's voice, that he was truly sorry, and in spite of everything, he still trusted Dean, trusted that honesty.  He slowly turned the locks and the doorknob, letting Dean in.  He refused to meet his gaze as he stood to the side, leaving the door open.

"Come in," he said quietly.  Dean stepped in the apartment, closing the door behind him, following Castiel into the kitchen.  For something to do with his hands, Castiel poured himself another cup of water, taking tiny sips through lips he was afraid to open for fear of what he might say. Dean stood a small distance away, awkwardly shifting his weight and rubbing the back of his neck.

"I uh... I was waiting outside, and when my message changed to 'read' I just... I wanted to apologize in person."  Castiel kept staring at the floor, noticing the small red spots from where he had fallen earlier.  He was slightly put out by the fact Dean was sitting outside his apartment for God knows how long just staring at his phone, hoping Castiel would text him back.  "I didn't come here last night planning on any of that happening, you know?  It just spilled out.  You were upset and- and I hate it when you get upset.  I just couldn't..."  His hand twitched, like he wanted to reach out for Castiel but he wasn't sure if he should.  "And then being that close to you I just... shit, Cas, I needed you."

"It hurts Dean, all of this.  What happened was... well, it wasn't nothing.  And then you weren't here and I..." He paused, not even sure any of what he was saying was making sense, because nothing going through his head was making any sense to him.  "I fucking lost it, because I lost  _ you _ this morning.  I lost everything..." Castiel walked to the table to sit before his knees gave out.  Dean pulled another chair around to face him, sitting close but not close enough at the same time.

"I know, Cas.  I panicked, I woke up and you were there and... it was so perfect, you know? But I don't do perfect, I can't  _ be _ perfect..."  The self loathing in Dean's voice was nothing new, they had talked about this before, about how Dean's father had managed to convince him he could never amount to anything.  This time though, Castiel found himself caught up in the middle of it.  Dean was feeling this way  _ because _ of Castiel, and it made him both elated that Dean cared that much about how Castiel felt, and nauseous because he never wanted Dean to feel that way again.

"You asked me how long I had known how I felt," Castiel said quietly, lifting his gaze from the floor, not looking at Dean but just over his shoulder, so he could watch his face out of the corner of his eye.  Dean's brow was furrowed, and the pain shining from his pale green eyes almost stopped Castiel's heart.  "How long had you known?"  It wasn't really a fair question, and maybe it wasn't the best thing to say, but for some reason he couldn't quite grasp, he had to know.  He needed to understand if what Dean was feeling was a heat of the moment passion just from last night, or something more.

"I guess about three months ago," Dean’s voice was barely audible.  Castiel actually felt his mouth drop open, and he finally met Dean's eyes.  When his heart regained a steady rhythm, it felt different, stronger almost.  Dean ran a hand over the back of his neck, blushing. "When Charlie accidentally told me about you.  I left your apartment that night, ready to just accept it and move on, but then I started thinking about how you said things would change.  I didn't really know what you meant at first."  He reached out slowly, running a knuckle along Castiel's forearm.  Castiel flinched at the touch, but didn't back away.  "But the more I thought about what you said, the more I realized that what was changing was me."  He paused like he was collecting his thoughts. "What was the real moment I knew?  Watching you looking at my baby pictures, pictures only Sam had ever seen before, and feeling okay with you seeing them... Wanting you to share in something so personal... I think that's the moment, the very instant I knew."  He reached out again, brushing his hand over Castiel's. Castiel pulled his hand away, reaching shakily for his cup of water, taking a sip.

"Three months..." Castiel whispered.  All this time he was convincing himself to forget how he felt about Dean, had managed to push it away to the part of his mind he never examined.  _ Three months… _

"Cas... it just hasn't stopped growing, this part of me that- that doesn't care that you're a man. A part of me that just wants to be near you, to be with you."

"Dean... I can't."  Castiel put his cup down, trying to process his jumbled emotions into words.  He also tried to ignore the wave of stunned pain that washed over Dean's face.  "If this is false hope, if this isn't real for you... I don't think I could take it if... "  He looked down at his injured hand.  "I gave up on us today.  After all this time, all these months of pining and aching over you, I just fucking gave up."  He felt the heat rising in his voice, hot tears starting to fall down his cheeks again.  "It hurt less to give up on you than it did to try and tell myself that you would come back for me."  He brushed at his tears impatiently, wishing he could just force himself to stop crying so damn much.  Dean's eyes found the table, but not before Castiel saw the shame in them.  The emotion didn't sit well on Dean's face, and it made Cas realize the person he didn't trust was himself.

"Running away this morning was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life, and I've made some doozies."  Dean's voice was breaking, the sincerity in it continuing to melt away the pain in Castiel's heart.  This time when Dean reached out and brushed his hand, Castiel gave in, unwrapping his fist and letting Dean wind his fingers through Castiel's.  "All I could think about was how I would never forgive myself for it, that hurting you was the lowest I have ever fallen."  Dean's other hand reached out to brush his cheek, wiping away a tear.

"Dean..."

"What we have has been more than friendship from the start, I think."  Castiel looked up and met Dean's eyes, amazed and thrilled that the same things running through his mind were coming out of Dean's mouth.  "I just couldn't see it, and I hate that I couldn't see it.  Because you could, you always knew and I..."  Dean was blinking away his own tears now, and it softened Castiel's heart some more.  "I am so sorry.  I know words can't ever make it undone, but they're all I got."  Dean let out a shuddering breath, squeezing Castiel's hand like a lifeline.

"Dean..." Castiel didn't know what to say.  Dean really meant all he was saying, he truly did, Castiel could see it in his eyes.  From the dark abyss of his heart, a small spark started to form a glimmer of hope.  Dean really did have feelings for Castiel, feelings Castiel reciprocated.  Yes, for a day Castiel had nursed a broken heart, but Dean was back, he was back and apologizing and meaning every word and Castiel felt strangely light as a spark ignited something deep inside him.

"Will we be okay?" Dean's voice was half a sob, and Castiel's resolve broke.  He pulled Dean's hand to him, kissing his knuckle softly.

"We'll be okay," Castiel said quietly, and he could feel the relief that washed off Dean.  Dean was scared, and of all people in this world, Castiel understood Dean the most, he understood how badly Dean needed him in this moment, not just as a lover but as a friend.  The first time Castiel had been with a man hadn't gone as smoothly either, and the confusion and panic that came with it was running through Dean now.  All the baggage his 'manly man' father had lowered on Dean's shoulders as a kid was even more heavy than the baggage Castiel carried, and he understood Dean's pain, his frustration; he knew that the thought that anyone could care for Dean Winchester was something Dean himself never even dared to hope for.  Castiel desperately wanted to be that person, the one who cares for him, nurtures him, loves him more than he thinks he deserves.

He was forgiving Dean, and it felt good, it felt like the right thing to do.  Dean's face was a flood of emotions, things he had bottled up inside for so long.  He was still crying, clutching onto Castiel's hand desperately.  Castiel leaned in across the short distance between their two chairs, wrapping Dean up in his arms.  The memory of the pain was there, and this still scared the shit out of him, but he needed Dean in his life, and maybe forgiving him for this would heal them both.  Dean buried his face in Castiel's shoulder, clinging to him tightly.

"Please, Cas, let me try.  Let me try again, make this right, please,” he was repeating it like a mantra, and his desperation finally managed to knock the pain out of Castiel's heart.  Castiel pulled back, standing and pulling Dean to his feet.

"We've got our work cut out for us, figuring all this out," Castiel wiped a tear off of Dean's cheek.  "I wasn't wrong when I said I lost you today."  A pained look spread across Dean's face, so Castiel kissed his cheek.  "No, it's okay. The part of you that could only be a friend, that part I lost."  He ran a hand through Dean's hair as Dean's eyes widened in understanding.  "I gained something else.  Something I had long ago given up on.  And I think that something is worth fighting for, no matter the pain that comes with it."  Dean fell into his arms, startling Castiel so much he nearly toppled over backwards.

"I'm so sorry, Cas, I can't imagine how you felt this morning," Dean was crying into his shoulder, crying like Castiel had never seen him cry before.  He kissed the top of Dean's head and just held him, running a hand over his back.

"It doesn't matter now, you came back to me." He hummed soothingly as Dean got it all out of his system.  Castiel wasn't sure how long they stood there, but he could feel his eyes getting heavy from the emotional roller coaster he had been on all day.  True sleep, not the fitful rest he'd had earlier, was calling to him. "Hey," he whispered to Dean, kissing the top of his head as Dean's breathing evened out.  "Let's get some sleep, yeah?"  Dean pulled back, wiping his face.

"God, I'm a mess," he said, smiling sheepishly. Castiel shrugged.

"I'm not a pretty sight right now either," he pointed out, smiling and turning to walk to the bedroom.  Dean clung tightly to Castiel's hand, letting himself be led across the apartment like a child being put to bed for the night.  When Castiel flipped on the light switch for the bedroom, he glanced at the pile of bed clothes on the floor, blushing.  Dean had the grace not to say anything, but instead just walked to Castiel's linen closet and pulled out some clean sheets, and the act was so domestic it took Castiel by surprise how much his heart swelled at the sight.  Silently they went about the task of making the bed, then took turns in the bathroom washing their faces.  Castiel climbed into bed as Dean washed up, trying to wrap his head around all that had happened in the last 48 hours.  It wasn't exactly a normal relationship, but when Dean crawled into bed dressed in a spare pair of pajamas, cuddling close to him, Castiel felt a conviction they could make it work. The exhaustion was sinking in, and he buried his nose in Dean's hair, kissing the top of his head as he wrapped himself around Castiel. Dean's arms slipped tightly around his torso, one of his legs slung loosely over Castiel's.

"Cas?" Dean's voice was weighed down with emotion and sleep, and Castiel looked down into those bright green eyes.

"Yeah, Dean?"

"I don't deserve this." Castiel kissed his forehead, taking a deep breath and sliding an arm around Dean's shoulders.

"Everyone deserves a second chance," Castiel said softly.  Dean smiled and snuggled into him, his face pressed into Castiel's neck, the feel of him and the calming sound of his steady breathing lulling Castiel into a peaceful sleep.

This time when Castiel woke up, the first thing he noticed was he was sweaty, almost exceedingly warm.  He went to kick the blanket off and couldn't move his leg, because Dean was there, still cuddled against him tightly, like he was afraid Castiel would be the one to leave him this time.  Dean was breathing steadily against his chest, still asleep.  Castiel's hand was wrapped up in his hair, the other tucked under the sleeve of his tee shirt, enjoying the feel of his skin.

He kissed the top of Dean's head, whispering his name softly till he felt Dean stir.  He looked up at Castiel, green eyes focusing on his face slowly as sleep left them.

"Cas? You're still here?" he said, sleep still slurring his words.  Cas felt his heart swell.

"It's my apartment," he said softly, a smile on his face.  Dean sat up slowly, running a hand through his hair and stretching.  Castiel watched, admiring the sight, muscles bunching under Dean's shirt, strong arms reaching over his head.  He turned to look at Castiel.

"Enjoying the show?" Dean asked, a small smile playing across his lips.

"I've always enjoyed watching you, Dean." Castiel said matter of factly.  He felt a small bit of satisfaction as Dean flushed, and he leaned up and kissed Dean on the cheek.  They sat together quietly, just enjoying each other's proximity. 

"Let's never have another day like yesterday," Dean says softly.  Castiel reached out, running a hand across Dean's cheek.

"Agreed." He grins stupidly at Dean, his hair mussed up from Castiel's hand, a red mark on his cheek matching the one on Castiel's chest.

"Breakfast?" Dean said, breaking Castiel out of his daze.

"Yeah," Castiel smiled, realizing he hadn't eaten in almost two days.  He stood and made his way to the kitchen, Dean on his heels.  He opened his fridge, looking for something to make them to eat, and saw the small 6in pie he had tucked away in the corner.  Smiling fondly, he pulled it out.

"Pie for breakfast Cas? Not that I'm complaining," Dean was grinning at him.  Castiel felt a flush begin to sneak up his cheeks.  This was what Castiel had longed for, this domesticity of Dean and him, joking about what to eat for breakfast.  The ease Castiel felt around Dean, the way Dean was so open and relaxed, it was like the last day hadn't come between them, that this morning, waking up today was how it was supposed to have happened, and fate was giving them a do-over.

"I baked this specifically for you, actually, the morning before..." Dean's silly grin faded slightly, and Castiel started rambling nervously, "I wanted to try a new flavor of apple pie for the shop, and I know how much you love my pies, and I just thought..." Dean took a step closer and kissed him halfway through his sentence.  He tried to pull away, but kissing Dean was still butterfly inducing so he didn't fight very hard.  The promise of pie kept the kiss from progressing too far, and when Dean pulled away he took the pie with a smile.

"I could never resist a good pie," he grabbed a fork and sat, not even bothering to slice the pie but digging right in.  Castiel watched anxiously, waiting for a verdict from Dean.  As Dean chewed he started to make the same inappropriate faces he made the first day in the cafe, and Castiel swallowed his heart back down into his chest.  At least now he didn't have to hide that he was watching, and as he felt a warmth start to grow lower in his abdomen, he began to suspect Dean was purposefully enjoying his pie too much.

"I guess it's satisfactory?" he asked, pretending his voice sounded completely normal, and Dean nodded tossing him a wink.

"Probably the best pie you've made yet, and I've had them all," Dean made short work of what was left while Castiel grabbed a quick bowl of cereal to eat, trying not to be jealous of a pie.  When they were finished, he grabbed the small pan Dean had eaten out of and moved to the sink, washing their dishes, a happy smile plastered across his face.  Dean came up behind him, wrapping his arms around Castiel's waist, placing small kisses along his neck.

"You're getting me all sticky," Castiel complained softly, leaning back into Dean's arms, total bliss running through him because they could have this.  Dean’s hands pressed Castiel’s body closer.

"Not yet," Dean breathed, and Castiel felt the words hit him down low, starting to add to the warmth already there.  He reluctantly pulled away, turning to face Dean.

"That's what got us into this mess, remember?" Castiel sighed.  Dean shook his head, leaning his face so close to Castiel's he could smell the cinnamon from the pie.  He brushed his nose against Castiel’s, eyes boring down into his.

"No, the sex wasn't the problem.  I was.  The sex was fantastic," he breathed, the tone of his voice sending shivers down Castiel's spine.

"Still," he said, feeling the flush creep up his cheeks and clearing his throat, "Maybe we shouldn't jump right back in?" Dean sighed and nodded, putting some distance between them before he grinned mischievously.

"Okay, you're right. Sorry, I just..." Dean leaned in, kissing his cheek. "I had this dream last night, that I fell asleep next to this beautiful, kind man, who had somehow found it in his heart to forgive me for being the biggest dick in the world."  He placed a hand on Castiel's hip.  "I dreamed that he wrapped me in his arms and held me the whole night, and he told me things would be okay."  Dean reached out and stroked Castiel's cheek, and Castiel felt torn between crying at Dean’s beautiful words or bending him over the counter.  "And I know it had to be a dream because there is no way in hell I deserve a happy ending like that, there's no way I deserve to feel this way."  He rested his forehead against Castiel's.

"Sounds like a lovely dream," Castiel managed to say through the lump in his throat, his body trembling as Dean’s thumb slipped just under his shirt to brush against his hip.

"I haven't even told you the best part yet," Dean purred, "the best part was when I woke up, this beautifully kind and  _ sexy _ man was laying next to me, like I hadn't done anything wrong.  Like he wanted me there, and I knew that I would never," he kissed Castiel's nose. "Ever," kissed his cheek, "Leave him again." Castiel fell into Dean's arms, burying his face in his neck to hide his blush from Dean's surprisingly eloquent compliments.

"That was beautiful," he breathed, finally pushing his libido down and away, “but I'm still not sleeping with you right away," he added, smiling against Dean's neck.  Dean laughed, a deep bellied laugh that shook his whole body and it seemed to fill Castiel's whole being with the same joy.  His hands left Cas’ hips, hugging him tightly.

"Worth a shot,” he sighed.  Castiel was about to retort when both of their phones started ringing from the back of the apartment.  They glanced at each other and made their way to the bedroom.  Dean went and grabbed them, handing Castiel his as he checked his own.  The caller ID on Castiel's phone said Charlie was calling.  He felt the perfect bubble Dean had just wrapped him in with his words pop, and real life start to sink back in.

"It's Charlie," Castiel said gloomily.  Dean waved his phone, an equally disappointed look on his own face.

"Sam." They stared at each other as each phone went to voicemail.  Castiel began to get a worried feeling in his stomach.

"Where exactly did you park, Dean?" Castiel asked.  Dean thought for a moment.

"I guess in the parking lot where I always... oh," he paused, his brain working.  "Charlie would recognize my car..."

"And she knows how I feel about you, and Sam called her asking about you yesterday..."  They stood in silence as the pieces fell into place.

"Charlie knows about us," they each said at the same time.  Castiel blushed, but couldn't help smiling.

"Bet you $100 that's what Sam was calling about," Dean sighed.  He tapped his phone and brought up his voice mail, putting it on speaker so Castiel could listen.

"Hey, Dean, it's your brother...again... Listen, your life is your problem, and I'm not going to bother you about it, but at least let me know you're okay.  And tell Charlie too, please, because she's driving me absolutely crazy, yet being unhelpfully cryptic.  Call me back."  Dean sighed, looking around and gathering up his clothes.

"I should probably go let him know I'm alive and well."  As he moved to go to the bathroom and get dressed, Castiel had a thought and stuck out an arm to stop him.

"I know it's soon, but maybe we should tell them."

"Tell them... what, about us?" Dean asked, suddenly nervous.  "Do we even know what we are?"

"Dean, I want to climb up to the roof and shout this to the world.  I'm willing to settle for quietly telling your brother and Charlie that we're together."  Dean seemed to think about that for a moment. Castiel watched his internal struggle in his eyes, easy as reading a book.

"Okay, yeah," he said after a few minutes.  "I mean, Charlie already knows right?  I know Sam will want to hear it from me, not her.  And she's bound to crack sooner or later."  He was grinning at Castiel.

"You sure?" Castiel asked.  Dean leaned in and kissed him full on the lips, hand wrapping around his neck.  Before Castiel could sink into the kiss, Dean stopped.

"I've never been so sure about anything in my life," he breathed, smiling and walking into the bathroom to change and freshen up.  Once the door was closed Castiel did a small happy dance in his room, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he got changed himself.

"What about having dinner with everyone tonight?" Castiel asked through the door as he pulled a shirt on.

"Sounds good. Sam shouldn't be busy tonight."

"Charlie gets off at 6, so let's do 7'o clock."  He was combing his hair as Dean walked out of the bathroom.

"Sure, 7 sounds good, but where do we go to eat?"  He walked up behind Castiel, smirking and running a hand through his hair to muss it up again.  Castiel smacked him good naturedly with the comb, attempting to fix his hair again.

"No place fancy, that would be too hard to explain."

"What about that little mom and pop Italian place two blocks down?  They make the best Chicken Parmesan I've ever had."  Leave it to Dean and his love of food to know what restaurant to eat at.  Castiel smiled fondly.

"Yeah, that will work.  Charlie and I have eaten there a few times.  She won't be too suspicious. Well... more than she already is."

"Okay, you convince her to show up, I'll convince Sam."  Dean was beaming at Castiel, and his excitement about dinner, about them was infectious.  He felt his heart flutter in his chest and Castiel gave him a hug, gripping Dean tightly.  Dean squeezed back just as fiercely.

"If I had my way we'd never leave this apartment ever again," Castiel sighed.  Dean ran a hand down his back to slide into the back pocket on his jeans, squeezing.  A small gasp slipped out of Castiel's lips before he could stop it.

"That could be arranged," Dean cooed.  Castiel rolled his eyes, pushing down the need growing in his gut and pushing Dean off him playfully.  He made himself ignore the intensity in Dean's eyes, forced himself to avoid looking at Dean's lips.

"Get going, you horny bastard," Castiel sighed, shoving Dean towards the exit.  Dean smiled, giving him a wink as he opened the front door. "I'll see you tonight," Castiel said with a smile.  Dean stole one last kiss before hopping down the stairs.

"See you tonight," he said as he pushed the lower door open and left, making his way to the parking lot at a brisk pace, a bounce in his step that made Castiel laugh in spite of himself.  He locked up behind him, taking a few deep breaths to sober himself up before walking next door to the cafe.

Hannah was at the counter when he walked in, her eyes widened in shock when she saw him.

"Castiel? Are you okay, where have you been?" She asked, concern written all over her face.

"I got a little sick yesterday, but I'm feeling much better, I promise."  The lie tasted bad in his mouth, so he promised himself he would tell her the truth just as soon as Charlie and Sam knew.  She smiled.

"Okay. Charlie's in the back, and fair warning, she's in a mood."  Castiel nodded.

"Thanks, Hannah."  He made his way to the office, knocking softly on the door frame. Charlie looked up from the computer, and it was almost comical how fast her expression changed from relieved, to shocked, to angry. She jumped up and grabbed Castiel by the shirt, pulling him into the office and shutting the door.

"You better damn well have a good explanation for yourself," she huffed, and Castiel raised his hands defensively.

"Listen, Charlie, I'm sorry I made you worry.  If you let me I'll explain everything over dinner tonight, at Ardizzone's, okay? Please? I'll buy."  She squinted at him, her face so full of suspicion it was almost cartoonish, and Castiel couldn't help but laugh.

"Glad to know you're so amused with yourself," she hissed.  "Does this have anything to do with the Chevy Impala that was in the parking lot when I got to work today?"  Castiel carefully kept his face even, using every bit of control he had to do so.  He wanted to jump, to happily shout that yes, he and Dean in spite of all her warnings had become everything he had ever wanted.  He leaned in and wrapped her in a hug, lifting her effortlessly in spite of her protestations.

"Charlie, you are one of the most amazing people I have ever met, but boy do you know how to mother a guy," Castiel couldn't get the grin off his face, and finally Charlie smiled back, picking up on his happiness.

"You're going crazy, obviously, so I guess I'll let you buy me dinner.  And if the story isn't worth my time you're going to buy me a few more dinners after that, buster."  She poked him in the chest after he let her go.  "Do not make me regret forgiving you," she scoffed as she opened the office door for him.  He bowed slightly, popping a light kiss on her cheek on his way out.

"I'll meet you here when you get off, okay?" Castiel called, waving at Benny, who gave him quite a bemused look as he crossed the kitchen with a hop and made his way back out into the cafe, humming to himself as he walked back upstairs to get ready for what would arguably be one of the most important dinners of his life.

###    
  



	7. I Knew I Loved You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG FOR THE NEW CHAPTER!!! I hit major writers block and had to get back in the headspace. I made some edits to the last chapter as well, so it might be worth going back and re-reading the last chapter.
> 
> So a LOT of fluff and smut and general cuteness in this chapter. Should have at least one more after this, maybe two.
> 
> Enjoy!!
> 
> *** BETA'D NOV 2016***

_ Seven hours _ , he told himself as he shut his front door behind him.  Castiel just had to make it a mere seven hours, then he could see Dean again.  A small smile ghosted his lips as a wave of giddiness washed over him.  Dean was finally  _ his _ .  After all this time, he wanted Castiel, and was willing to tell his brother, to come out to Sam so he could officially be with Castiel.  He had never dared hope he could feel this happy, feel this good, because every other time he came close, it was taken from him.  Now he was daring to dream that this time he could hang on to the happiness, and it was a good feeling.  He kicked off his shoes and walked into the kitchen to make himself a peanut butter sandwich for lunch, his stomach churning too much to eat more than that.  He finished eating and looked around his apartment for something to pass the time,  _ anything _ to keep him from just running out the door and straight to Dean.  

His apartment seemed to feel more empty than it ever had before, the small space suddenly becoming huge in Dean's absence.  Castiel started to tidy up the living room, just for something to do, which led to him organizing his small office area.  When he went to his hamper to toss in his dirty sheets, it was already fairly full, so he ended up doing laundry, too.  Before he knew it, he was cleaning the entire apartment, dust rags, mops, and everything in between.  

Castiel glanced at the clock when he finished the last of the dusting, sweaty and smelling like lemon cleaner.   _ 3:30pm _ .  He sighed heavily, disappointed that so little time had passed.  Stripping down, he tossed his now sweaty clothes in his empty hamper and turned on a shower, climbing inside to get rid of the cleaner smell on his skin.  As the water ran over his back, his mind drifted off to that evening, and what they were about to do.  He was a bit nervous, for Dean’s sake, but the look in his bright, green eyes when he'd agreed to this dinner and the way he smiled… It was  _ the  _ smile, the one that he only gave to Castiel when they were alone together.  

Memories started to flood his mind, conversations at the park, shared jokes in the Impala's front seat, and soon Castiel was grinning like a fool, too buzzed with happiness to stop.  In a weird way, it was a gift that they had shared such a strong friendship before they...

Suddenly, the grin faded into stunned awe. 

Nearly all of the best memories, the ones Castiel cherished the most, the ones where he really felt connected to Dean, came  _ after _ Charlie had spilled the beans about Castiel's feelings.  

With trembling hands, he turned off the water, grabbing his towel and drying off.  All those moments where he and Dean really connected, where he felt the closest to him, they were all during that time when Dean claims he started to feel for Castiel.

Had Dean realized what was happening?  Was that why they had grown even closer in spite of Castiel’s attempts to push these feelings away? Castiel didn't believe in fate, but maybe there was no way he and Dean could have avoided this, and it gave him a strange sense of hope.  Because if he and Dean were  _ meant  _ to be together, then maybe he’d really, finally, be happy.

Castiel pulled on a pair of boxers, walking to his closet and staring at his clothes, trying to decide what to wear.  He pulled out one outfit after another, but as soon as he'd get it on, he'd second guess himself and change.  It wasn't like he needed to impress Sam, Dean's brother knew him already, and from what Dean said, Sam liked Castiel.  It was creeping up on 5 o'clock and his nerves were starting to eat at his insides like acid.  Castiel knew he was being beyond irrational about this, but this dinner  _ had _ to go right for Dean, had to be  _ perfect. _

His phone rang after he changed for the eleventh time and he answered in a huff.

"Yes?" he snapped.

"Hey, Cas, it's me."  Dean's voice immediately calmed him, soothing his anxiety easily.  He closed his eyes and took a breath.

"Dean. I'm sorry I'm just..."

"Freaking out a little?"  The sympathy in Dean's voice calmed him further.

"I can only imagine how you're feeling right now," Castiel sighed.  Dean would not only be admitting to his brother he was in a relationship, but Dean was coming out, one of the most terrifying conversations anyone could have.  He pushed away the memory of his own conversation with his brothers, that was a pain he refused to feel tonight.

"It's the right thing to do," Dean said, sounding sure of himself, and it made Castiel smile.  "I can't lie to Sam."  Castiel wished Dean was there instead of on the phone so he could wrap him up in his arms and tell him it was okay, tell him how proud he was by placing a soft kiss on his forehead.  

"I'm happy for you, Dean," he said quietly.

"I know Cas.  I'm happy for us," Dean hummed.  Castiel felt a blush run up his cheeks and heard Dean chuckle, the sound sending a happy shiver down his arms.  "Dude, I'm getting all chick flick already, dinner's not for another two hours."

"Well you could use some practice," Castiel teased.  "You'll need help getting into that sappy head space in front of Sam.”

"Yeah, not happening,” Dean grunted.

"Bet you ten bucks you cry, and Sam will have endless ammunition for the rest of your life."

"I thought you were on my side," Dean said, indignant, and Castiel just laughed.

"Always, Dean."

"Uh huh."  A few beats of silence hangs between them.  Castiel can hear some rustling on Dean's end of the line that lets him know the call hasn't dropped, but neither of them say anything for a moment.

"So what're you up to?" Dean asked after a while.

"I can't decide on what to wear," Castiel huffed, glaring at the pile of clothes on his bed.  "I've been through my closet about twelve times, and I know it's crazy-" Dean's laugh through his phone made him laugh at himself.

"Really, it's got you that nervous?"  Dean's smirk is audible.

"This is important to you, that makes it important to me," Castiel mumbled through his blush.

"God, you're freaking adorable," Dean sighs.

"And in need of an outfit to wear," Castiel grumbled.  Another brief pause.

"Well what are you wearing now?" Dean asked slowly.

"Boxers, because like I said..."  Castiel stopped, immediately feeling the heat in his face, rolling his eyes at the heavy breath through the earpiece.  "Dean, you sneaky son of a bitch."

"What? I'm completely innocent.  I wasn't trying to trick you into anything."  The low purr in his voice made Castiel's breathing hitch.

“I'm not doing this,” Castiel muttered.  Dean’s response was to moan on his next exhale and Castiel felt his body heat up in spite of himself.  "Dean..."

"I can't stop thinking about you, Cas," Dean breathed, emotion making his voice heavy, "about all the things I'd rather be doing with you tonight... _ alone _ ..."  Castiel's body was unwillingly starting to respond to the heat in Dean's voice, and it made him feel ridiculous, yet strangely excited.  Just a few suggestive words and Dean had him flustered and uncomfortable, it was like being a teenager all over again.

"Dean, is now really a good time?" Castiel sighed.  He could close his eyes and see the smirk that was assuredly all over Dean's face.

"After dinner maybe I could take you home, show you just how badly I want you right now," Dean continued, clearly ignoring Castiel.  A shiver ran down Castiel's spine.

"Jesus, Dean, you're incorrigible."  The throaty chuckle through the phone went straight to his groin, already half hard just from the teasing in Dean's voice.  God, he felt silly, but Dean couldn't see his blush and the thrill got the better of him.  Maybe this would help settle his nerves...

"So? Can you fault me for meeting this gorgeous guy, with beautiful blue eyes, and wanting to feel him again?" Dean continued in a low growl.  Castiel felt his pulse flutter in his chest.  "Feel his body underneath me as I slowly make love to him?"  Castiel moaned, he couldn't stop it even if he tried.  His knees gave way and he sat on the edge of his bed, falling back against his pillows and the pile of clothes.

"Dean..." He had never done anything like this before, but Dean's voice was sex and silk and it had him erect without even a touch.

"Yeah, Cas?" he teased, and Castiel shuddered again.  Damn him and his sex voice, he wasn't making this easy.

"I'm starting to rethink my thoughts on our sex life," Castiel breathed.  Dean laughed, a deep bellied laugh, at getting his way.

"Oh, really?" Castiel took a deep breath, figuring he'd go for broke.

"See, I met this man, with green eyes and freckles, and I want him to make me forget my name."  He can't believe he's talking like this, but it gives him a weird thrill, a strange confidence egging him on.  "I want him to bring me so high all I can see in this world is him," he can hear Dean's heavy breathing, can almost picture the look on his face, "till the only word I know is his name."  He hears a groan through the phone and smiles, pleased with himself and this new skill he discovered.  He pulls his erection through the slit on his boxers, stroking himself slowly.  "I'm picturing him now, his hands on me," he feels his voice grow heavy, and gives in to the feeling of pleasing himself, running a thumb over the head of his arousal and feeling his breath hitch at the touch.

"Cas..." Dean groans into the phone, but Castiel interrupts him.

"He has his face buried in my neck, his scent in my nose, and it's making me high.  I desperately want his touches, his kisses, I want to feel him inside me."  His voice is breaking from his ministrations but he doesn't care, because the sound of Dean's moans through the phone are drowning it out.

"You've got it all wrong," Dean groaned, the image of Dean mimicking Castiel's movements across the distance making his heart race. "See, my blue eyed angel?  He gave me a taste, he whetted my appetite, but I want more than his fingers in me next time."  Castiel's heart is pounding furiously, his hand moving faster as Dean's voice strikes a match inside him, fire pouring through his veins.  "I want him buried so deep inside me I'm seeing stars.  And I'm going to scream his name, so the whole fucking world knows who I belong to, who's making me fall to pieces."  The words are endearing but they send hot jolts of electricity to Castiel's erection, and his fist begins to stutter in its rhythm.  He doesn't attempt to stifle his moans, and would have dropped the phone if he wasn't desperate to hear Dean's own noises through the receiver.

"Dean, I'm gonna...."

"Cas...."  He came, back arched and sweaty, clinging to the phone as he hears Dean cry out through the receiver.  After a few moments of breathing in the aftershocks, he can't help but laugh.

"Wow... first time having phone sex," he sighed, putting Dean on speaker so he could set the phone down and wash up.

"Would you believe it was mine too?" Dean's breathless voice echoed through the bathroom, and Castiel for a moment could feel him there, arms around him.  A silly grin spreads across his face.

"Don't believe it,” Castiel insisted.  He listens to Dean’s embarrassed chuckle, sighing heavily as he takes in his flushed face and chest in the mirror.  “I don't know if this is going to make dinner better or worse," Castiel sighed to himself, grabbing his phone and walking out of the bathroom to get a clean pair of underwear.  He can hear similar noises from Dean's end of the line.

"Guess we'll find out."  Dean pauses for a moment, his next words heavier with something.  "Hey, Cas?"

"Yeah Dean?"

"I, uh... See you then."  Dean’s words stumble over themselves for a brief second, recovering quickly but not fast enough that Castiel didn't notice.

"Bye, Dean."  Castiel looked at his phone curiously for a moment.  Dean had sounded like he wanted to say something just then, and the abrupt cut off was awkward to say the least.  Castiel got dressed in the first shirt and pants he grabbed, their phone activities effectively easing his nerves.  He glanced at himself in the mirror one more time, making sure he looked presentable, and left his bedroom.  He wasn't going to get any more ready than he was, he might as well head downstairs and wait for Charlie.

There was still a half an hour left in Charlie's shift when he walked in, and as he waited, the nerves his ‘conversation’ with Dean had relieved were creeping back in again.  He paced around the cafe while he waited, mindlessly tidying the comics and the toys, straightening chairs and wiping down tables, extremely aware of his best friend’s eyes watching him from behind the counter.  He couldn't have been more obviously nervous if he tried, nearly pouncing on her when she hung up her apron and gathered her things.

"Ready?" he asked a bit too loudly with a bit too much excitement in his step as he rushed over.

"What is wrong with you?" she asked, confusion written all over her face.  Castiel grinned to mask his unease.

"I'll explain everything, I promise."  She shrugged and led the way outside, pausing next to her car and giving Castiel a sideways glance.

"You know what, we're walking.  It's only a couple of blocks and I think that if I try to stuff you in my car with you like this my windows might shatter from the vibrations."  Castiel forces himself to take a few deep breaths.  Charlie was right, he was shaking with nerves and anticipation, not because he was worried about what she'd think, he knew she'd be good with it.  It seemed he just couldn't help it.  Charlie gave him a sympathetic smile, like she could see what he was thinking, and slipped an arm through his.  “Come on, I'm hungry.”  

As they started off towards the restaurant, her arm in his helped calm him as they walked, and about halfway there he’d finally leveled out again.

"Thanks for coming tonight," he said softly.  She looked over, a soft smile on her face.

"It's no big," she said gently.  "You know, all the ways I give you grief, it's because I care about you, right Cas?" she nudged him fondly and he smiled.

"I know.  And I know I haven't exactly been around much these past few months," he admitted.  He felt a little guilt that he'd neglected their friendship in favor of Dean, but she was about to find out why and hopefully, she'd understand.

"Hey, look," she said pointing.  Castiel saw what she was pointing at and his heart skipped a beat or two.  Dean's car was parked right out in front of the restaurant, nothing subtle about it.  Castiel swallowed hard as his pounding heart threatened to betray him.

"Dean must be here," he managed to say without much of a tremor in his voice.  Charlie looked at him oddly but didn't say anything, walking with him to the door. They walked inside and almost literally bumped into Sam and Dean in the waiting area, Sam’s large frame taking up much of the space as Dean checked in for their reservation.  Dean turned and smiled a bit too brightly when Charlie called out her hello, and Castiel felt a small blush creep up his neck when he met Dean’s gaze.  Thankfully, Charlie was hugging Sam who was chatting with her about the pending proposal, so neither of them seemed to notice the awkwardness of their companions.  Dean gave Castiel a reassuring smile, but he could see Dean's own anxiety and nerves in his face.  As they were walked to their table by the hostess, while Sam and Charlie had their backs to them, Castiel seized the opportunity and reached out, briefly squeezing Dean's hand, and just as quickly letting it go.  The lines around Dean's eyes softened slightly, and Castiel felt himself smile.  They were seated at a table, thankfully, and Castiel managed to sit next to Dean without having to be awkward about it, since Sam and Charlie were still talking.

After their waitress had taken their drink orders and they'd exchanged some small talk, Castiel physically felt Dean's mood shift.  He met Dean's eyes and nodded.

"Hey, Sam.  Listen, there's something I need to talk to you about," Dean’s voice was uncharacteristically serious, and Castiel was holding his breath, nervous for Dean, eyes darting from him to Sam and to Charlie constantly.  "You too, Charlie."  Dean’s shoulders shrunk down from the ‘dad’ posture he always adopted around his brother, and he was suddenly  _ Castiel's _ Dean.  Charlie seemed mildly curious, but Sam focused in on Dean immediately, and Castiel realized Sam probably saw the same change he had.  "I uh... you know I'm no good at this whole talking crap."  He ran a hand over the back of his head as the waitress brought their drinks out, beer for Sam and Castiel, whiskey for Dean, and wine for Charlie.  Charlie quickly ordered them a couple baskets of garlic knots and the waitress walked away.

"As you were saying, Dean," she said, sipping at her wine.  Dean downed his whiskey in one go, bracing himself.

"You three, here at this table, mean more to me than anyone else.  My brother, my sister, and my best friend."  He met Castiel's eyes briefly and there was a slight pause before he continued.  "You've all been there for me through some tough shit, and managed to put up with my crap for all these years.  In Sammy's case for his whole life, though I'd like to point out that I've also been stuck with his crap, so we're even there."  Sam lifted his beer to Dean and took a big sip.

"Cheers to that," Sam said with a warm smile, setting Dean a little more at ease.  Sam seemed to sense Dean was building to something important and didn't want to break the moment.  Castiel felt a wave of gratitude on Dean's behalf.

"I just... I wanted you to hear it right from me, to know..."  He looked from Charlie to Sam as his words failed, and Castiel couldn't stop himself, he reached out and took Dean's hand, squeezing tightly.  Dean's shoulders relaxed as he squeezed back.  "I'm in a relationship with Castiel," he said, meeting Sam's gaze firmly, as if he was daring him to object.  Sam just looked at his brother for a moment, an unreadable expression on his face, not saying anything.  Castiel glanced at Charlie, who didn't even look the least bit surprised.  He frowned slightly as her face contorted into a suppressed grin, and finally as she bust out laughing he downright glared at her.

"I owe you, Sam," she sighed, pulling her wallet out of her purse.

"I told you so, you should have believed me," Sam was grinning, almost laughing himself. Dean's grip on Castiel's hand became vice like.

"Dude, what the hell?" Dean snapped, flustered by their strange response.  Sam raised his hands defensively.

"Dean, you're my brother, you really think you can hide something like this from me?" he said, the love in his voice tempering Dean's anger.

"And Castiel, you're not exactly the sneakiest of bastards," Charlie added, throwing him a wink. "It only took Sam and I one conversation to figure the two of you out." Castiel felt a smile pull at his lips and he looked over at Dean, who still managed to look completely dumbfounded.

"So what was the bet?" Castiel asked out of curiosity.

"Well, Sam said that Dean had shown you his baby pictures, so I said give you six months till you guys came clean.  He said less than four, because Dean wasn't really all that drunk at that dinner party..."

"Dude, how did you know he saw the pictures?" Dean asked.  Sam had left before then, Castiel remembered suddenly, and he looked over at Sam curiously.

"Because you drunk dialed me the next day and told me,” Sam chuckled, turning his attention to Castiel.  “He was so proud of himself, it was adorable."  Dean's face burned scarlet and Sam and Charlie both started laughing hysterically.  Castiel felt a laugh start to bubble through his own chest, because the whole thing was ridiculous.  They both should have known better, Castiel realized, Charlie was too good at snooping and Sam was smart and observant.  Dean looked over at Castiel and smiled, embarrassed and adorable, and Castiel leaned in and kissed his cheek, which Dean repaid with a quick kiss on the lips.  Charlie cooed and awed at them while Sam pretended to be disgusted, drawing Dean into a good natured argument about how Sam didn’t want to  _ see  _ anything, and Dean’s opinion about what Sam could do with his prudishness.  Castiel felt his face grow hot as the brothers’ argument devolved into more  _ personal  _ topics, but he really couldn’t find it in himself to care.  His heart was soaring, both because Dean had such a loving brother and a caring friend, and because Dean still was gripping his hand tightly, like he never wanted to let go.

 

That dinner was imprinted on Castiel's memory; he would never forget any detail, any comment, any  _ moment _ from that night.  He would always remember the feel of Dean's hand in his, the touch of their knees under the table, Charlie's smile, and Sam's laugh.  The moment of pure happiness and joy enveloped him and he knew, for the first time, he was finally a part of a family who would support him and care for him.  He was part of something bigger than himself now, and it all started with Dean Winchester.

He rode with Dean back to Dean's apartment after dinner, high on life and a tiny bit tipsy.  He giggled as Dean opened the door for him, and Dean laughed when he stumbled over his own shoes after kicking them off at the door.  When Dean made it into the living room clicking on a single lamp, his arms were around him and Castiel had his hands in Dean' hair,  _ finally  _ holding him again, their grip on each other fiercely tight.

"I'd say tonight was a huge success," he giggled, smiling into Dean's neck.

"I'm glad you were there," Dean hummed, the sincerity in his voice making Castiel's heart swell.

"I'll always be here," he whispered.  Dean kissed his shoulder, they were wrapped so tightly together it was all he could reach.

“I’m sure that’s just the alcohol talking,” Dean teased.  Castiel scoffed, pulling back from Dean to cross his arms over his chest.

“Dean, I am not even remotely close to drunk,” he said sternly.  “I am  _ mildly  _ tipsy.”

“You’re freaking adorable, is what you are,” Dean grinned, wrapping his arms around Castiel again and pulling him close.  Cas unfolded his arms to hug Dean back, just because he could now.  Dean pressed a soft kiss to Castiel’s shoulder before speaking.

"So I realized something when I was attempting to tell Sam about us," he said softly, the sudden serious tone in his voice making Castiel pull back slightly to meet his gaze.  His bright green eyes were shining in the dim light.

"What is it?" Castiel asked softly.  Dean's eyes wandered over his face, unashamedly drinking in Castiel, and Castiel fought to not look away in embarrassment.

"I told you I first knew how I felt the night you saw my baby pictures," he said, kissing Castiel's forehead.  "But I realized I started to fall for you long before that."  He ran a hand over Castiel's cheek, and Castiel felt a lump start to grow in his throat.

"Dean..."  He let himself be led to the couch, and he sat down next to Dean, who ran a hand through Castiel's hair and let it fall to rest on the back of his neck.

"You took me to the park, and you let me be  _ me _ , and in the twilight we sat and shared secrets and... you were beautiful Cas."  Castiel felt the burn of tears in his eyes, but managed to keep them from falling.  "You told me how you felt, and even when I turned you down, you still wanted to be a part of my life.  No one but Sammy has ever done more for me," he leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Castiel's and the tears were falling because Castiel had no control left in him.  “Sorry this took me so long.”

"Dean, I just..." He wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck, holding him close.  He had always loved Dean, and to hear Dean had known it even then in the park...Looking back, it was amazing Castiel was able to block it out for this long, to deny everything he was just to be near Dean.  "I couldn't let you walk out of my life," he had a tight grip on Dean, and was surprised he wasn't hurting him.  Maybe he was and Dean just didn't care.  "I knew you needed someone, and I wanted it to be me.  Maybe it was selfish, but I'd do it again."  He felt Dean's touch on his cheek, wiping his tears away.  "I'd do it over and over because I love you, Dean."  The words just fell out of his mouth without a thought, without hesitation, and he felt Dean tense up under his touch.

"What did you say?" he breathed.  Castiel leaned in and kissed him, a soft brush of his lips against Dean's.

"I love you, Dean Winchester, from the moment I met you."  Dean pulled him up into his lap, arms wrapping tightly around his back.

"Cas..." his voice was barely a whisper and there was desperation in it.  Castiel kissed his neck where Dean had pulled him in.

"I love you," he whispered again.  Dean shuddered under him, and if there was any space left between them he squeezed Castiel so tightly it was gone now.  He had no idea how long they sat like that on the couch, just holding onto each other desperately, sharing soft kisses that contrasted with how they held each other.  It could have been minutes, it could have been days.  All that was left in the world was Dean, his touch and his scent and his arms around Castiel, his tears falling onto Castiel's shoulder where his head rested.

Of all things, the moment was finally broken by Castiel's bladder.

"I uh... have to pee," he mumbled with a blush, not wanting to get up any more than Dean wanted to let him go.  Grumbling, Dean relented and released his hold on Castiel, and after some awkward shuffling to get his feet underneath him, he made his way quickly to the guest bathroom.  After relieving himself and washing his hands and face, he smiled at his reflection.  His cheeks were flush and his eyes were wide and bright, and for once the smile was deep and genuine, not forced at all.  He wiped his face down with a towel and shut off the light, stepping out to head back to the living room.  He paused in the hallway when he saw the living room light was off, and there was light coming from Dean's bedroom instead.  He walked into the bedroom slowly, the water running in the master bathroom letting him know where Dean went.  Castiel sat on the edge of Dean's bed, a happy warmth in his chest as he glanced around Dean’s room, at all the personal touches and framed photos that made it so very  _ Dean _ .  

He had said the words, those wonderful yet terrifying three words, and it felt good to finally get them out of his system.  It didn't bother him at all that Dean hadn't said them back, because he could feel it in Dean's touch, and see it in his eyes.  Whenever Dean was ready, he would tell him, but until then Castiel would happily take the other ways Dean showed he cared.  

When Dean walked out of the bathroom, Castiel felt his eyes on him, so he pulled himself out of his thoughts and turned to look up at Dean.  He had pulled his jacket and long sleeve shirt off, his pale grey undershirt clinging to his chest, his freckles glistening from the water he had splashed on his face.  Castiel felt his heart jump at the sight, and almost like Dean heard it, he walked up to Castiel slowly.

"We didn't get to do this right the first time," Dean breathed, standing in front of Castiel so he had to tilt his head back to meet Dean's gaze.

"I'm sorry-" he started, but Dean placed a finger over his mouth, silencing his apology.  Dean leaned down, trading his finger for his lips, pulling away after just a brief touch.

"Don't apologize," he whispered, urging Castiel to scoot back so Dean could climb into his lap. Everything was measured and deliberate, and Castiel felt every beat of his heart in his chest. Dean had on knee on either side of Castiel's hips, and he started to work at the buttons on his shirt, placing soft kisses on his face and lips.  Castiel felt his eyes flutter closed, just letting Dean work, his hands running under the bottom of Dean's shirt to rub against the skin of his hips.  Dean slowly pulled Castiel's shirt off, tossing it to the side, his hands returning to run softly over the skin of Castiel’s arms and shoulders.  Castiel's eyes opened as he smoothed his hands up Dean's sides, pulling his shirt with them until he got to his shoulders and he pulled it over Dean's head, tossing it towards his own shirt.  His eyes were wrapped up in Dean's, unable to break away even to admire the sight of Dean shirtless.  Dean ran his hands slowly up from Castiel’s shoulders to the base of his skull, fingers tangling in his hair as he pulled Castiel close and kissed him.

There was heat behind the kiss, though it moved slowly, there was no less passion behind it.  Castiel opened his mouth under Dean's and he felt Dean's tongue slide past, teasing along Castiel's teeth.  One of his hands made its way up Dean's back, gripping his shoulder tightly, the other hand pulling him close by his lower back.  Dean's tongue danced with his expertly, and when they broke for air Castiel's gaze wandered to Dean's lips, normally plush and full, now swollen and moist, and dipping down to kiss Castiel's neck.  Dean's stubble traced a line down his collarbone followed by his lips, and back up to Castiel's jaw, ending just behind his ear.

"Dean," Castiel gasped, his nails digging into Dean’s shoulder, the other into his hip.  He felt Dean's heavy exhale against his skin and he rocked slowly in Castiel's lap, rolling his hips into the growing hardness underneath him. Castiel let out a small gasp, leaning into Dean's chest and taking a nipple between his lips.  A hand ran into his hair, and a small whimper escaped Dean from above him.  As Castiel teased at one bud, then the other, Dean's movements began to grow more needy, and suddenly he was gone from Castiel, who whined softly at his absence.  Dean stood, pulling at his belt and undoing his jeans while standing right in front of Castiel, which made him eye level once Dean dropped his pants and boxer briefs and his erection popped free of his clothes.  Castiel leaned in and slowly took the head of Dean's arousal into his mouth, tongue teasing over the tip, and Dean gasped at the contact, his hips twitching.  He started to slide up and down Dean’s length, always swirling his tongue over the tip on the upstroke, and sliding gradually lower on the downstroke until he had managed to swallow all of Dean, relaxing his throat against the gag reflex.

"Jesus, Cas," Dean groaned, gripping Castiel's hair like a lifeline.  Castiel hummed softly and slid up to Dean's tip again, sucking at the sensitive skin, tasting Dean's precome as he licked against it.  He worshipped Dean with his lips, reveling in the salty taste of him, the feel of his fingers digging into his scalp.  Dean started to tremble, pulling himself out of Castiel's mouth with an obscene pop and a whimper.  "Not yet..." he gasped, dropping to his knees on the floor in front of Castiel.  He leaned in and kissed Castiel, full of heat and longing, before dropping his kisses down his chest, continuing down until he was nuzzling at Castiel's hips.  His hands got to work on Castiel's pants, taking a moment to rub against his erection through the fabric and earn him a muffled whine before pulling them off in a smooth tug.  Dean leaned in again, running his nose and then his tongue and then his teeth along the ridges of his hips, drawing a moan from deep in Castiel's gut.

When Dean took him into his mouth it was all Castiel could do to not thrust into the moist warmth.  Dean worked at Castiel gentle and slow at it was so much and not enough at the same time.  Sure, it might have been sloppy and out of practice, but it was  _ Dean,  _ and that made it perfect.  Dean managed to bring Castiel right up to the edge, but before he fell over it Castiel sat up, pulling Dean up by his chin and kissing him.

"You're so amazing," Castiel breathed, grabbing his arms gently and pulling him up into the bed proper.  Once Dean got the idea and was following him, Castiel climbed towards the pillows, stretching out on his side while Dean dropped onto his stomach with a huff of breath.  Cas reached out, running his hand from the nape of his neck down Dean’s back and over the swell of his body.  His green eyes were wide with lust, and he rose into Castiel's touch as he squeezed the perfectly round muscle of Dean’s ass.

"Cas, please, I want you inside me," Dean breathed, his voice heavy.  Castiel leaned in and kissed him, his erection twitching in anticipation.

"Are you sure?" he asked.  Dean nodded, pointing at the nightstand.

"Please, Cas, please..." Castiel crawled up over Dean, reaching in where Dean was pointing and pulling out a bottle of lube.  He chuckled softly, it was one of the fancy brands that warmed to the touch, and he could imagine Dean standing in the store trying to shop without being obvious.

"You're fucking adorable," he sighed, leaning down and kissing between Dean's shoulder blades.  He poured some of the liquid out onto Dean's back, running his fingers through it and massaging gently, working at his shoulders and upper back until the muscles felt loose under his touch.  He added more lube and slid down along Dean's legs, his hands making their way down to his lower back, working through the knots he found there.  A low hum came from Dean, and the side of his face Castiel could see was a picture of contentment.  He ran his hands down to his ass, rubbing the muscle gently, admiring the view for a moment before kneeling between Dean's legs, gently and slowly spreading them.  He again added some more lube to his fingers, his hands now pleasantly warm from the liquid, and gently pressed a finger against the outside of Dean's opening.  Dean moaned, and the massage Castiel gave him had the desired effect, he didn't tense up under Castiel's touch.  Slowly, gently, he pressed his finger into Dean, letting him stretch and adjust before he began to move, easily finding Dean's prostate and making him buck gently into the mattress.  Castiel worked up to three fingers, Dean moaning and begging for more, his hips canting up into Castiel’s touches.

"Please, Cas, I want you, please..." Castiel pulled his fingers from Dean, who whined at their absence.  Castiel shushed him and gently flipped him over onto his back.

"I want to see you," he breathed, leaning in and kissing Dean as he added some lube to his erection, "I want to be able to watch you while I'm inside you."  He could hear the heat in his own voice, the want.  Dean's eyes were filled with a million emotions, mirroring Castiel’s own levels of bliss, but all Castiel managed was a nod.  Castiel pulled Dean's legs up around his hips and pressed himself into Dean's opening, pausing as he went to give Dean time to adjust until he was buried all the way inside Dean, leaning over him and gasping for air.  The blissed out expression on Dean’s face and the warm tightness he was buried in had him struggling not to come on the spot.  Their eyes locked together, their first moment feeling each other like this seeming to stretch out into infinity.

"Fuck me, Cas," Dean gasped into the space between them, his hands sliding up to wrap tightly around Castiel's neck.  Castiel began to rock his hips, slowly at first, both wanting Dean to be okay and wanting to make this last.  He felt complete, like a piece of his life that was missing was just found and slotted back into place.  Dean arched underneath him, pushing his hips into Castiel's ministrations, his head thrown back against the bed.  "Shit, Cas," he gasped.  Castiel began to move in earnest, and at the same moment he went to sit up for a better angle, Dean arched away from the bed and with his hands locked around Castiel's neck, and he sat up with him.  After a few awkward moments of adjusting, Cas was sitting up, Dean in his lap rocking onto him, his eyes never leaving Castiel's for a moment, not even when Castiel adjusted his hips and Dean started to find his prostate with every thrust.  Watching Dean give himself over to the moment drove Castiel right to the brink, he could feel the heat pushing at him, ready for release, and he reached out and took Dean's erection into his hand, sliding in time with Dean's movements.

"I'm gonna... Dean I'm close..." Dean grabbed Castiel's face with one hand, the other on his shoulder to brace himself.

"Come for me, babe," he breathed, and Castiel was gone.  He was falling in a burst of light and euphoria, and when he finally came down, his hand and belly were covered in Dean's release, and Dean's forehead was pressed into his, sweat slicking both of their bodies.  Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean, holding him tight in spite of the various body fluids covering both of them.

"I love you," Castiel whispered into his shoulder. Dean ran his hand through Castiel's hair.

"I know," he said with a small chuckle, gently climbing off of Castiel and collapsing back onto the bed.  Castiel paused for a moment, looking down at Dean's beautifully sexed out body before laying down next to him.  

“I'll forgive you this once for Star Wars-ing me,” he hummed, and Dean smirked in victory.  Castiel was sticky and sweaty and he couldn't have cared less, because Dean’s cheeks and chest were still flush from the orgasm Castiel had pulled from him. Dean reached out and wrapped his hand up in Castiel's, smiling softly as he pulled Castiel close.  Sleep was already starting to pull at Dean’s eyes, and he kissed Castiel on the forehead softly.  "Goodnight, angel," he breathed and he was gone to sleep.  Castiel followed shortly after, and his dreams that night weren’t of lonely playgrounds, but happy visions of the life he and Dean were going to have together.

  
  



	8. Imperfect Timing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know where this is going to take me, but I'm enjoying the ride!
> 
> BETA'D AND UPDATED

It honestly didn't bother Castiel at all.

He had constantly assured Charlie of this, and sometimes even Sam when he'd had a few too many beers and asked Castiel about it. Why did they feel the need to be in his and Dean's business? They were happy, in Castiel's case happier than he'd been in his entire life, he didn't need people trying to make trouble where there was none.

It didn't matter to him that Dean hadn't said 'I love you', yet, because he already knew how Dean felt.  He didn't need to hear it.

“Where is it?” Dean asked, more to himself than to Castiel, rushing through the living room and into the bedroom, a flustered mess. Castiel sighed.

“Did you try the bottom of the garment bag your tux was in?” Castiel asked, for about the tenth time. Dean nodded.

“I'm sure I did...” and he proceeded to pull all his socks out of his sock drawer, throwing them on the floor in a messy heap. Castiel couldn't help but smile at how adorable Dean was when he was anxious about something.

“It's not even your wedding, Dean, calm down.” He called, mock annoyance in his voice. He walked into their shared bedroom, reaching into the garment bag and pulling the rolled tie out of it.  He turned to hand it to Dean, but his boyfriend was in such a state of panic he didn’t notice.

“It's Sammy, it has to be perfect.” Dean stopped throwing socks on the floor, proceeding to dig through his underwear next. Castiel couldn't keep the fond smile off his face, watching Dean digging through boxer briefs in a tizzy. At least he wasn't rummaging through Castiel's dresser yet.

It had been nearly six months since their dinner with Charlie and Sam, three months since they'd moved into a new place together. Castiel missed being upstairs from work, but Dean was so cute when he begged and pleaded with him about finding an apartment together, he consented and they moved into a complex just a couple blocks away. Castiel could keep walking to work, and he could wake up next to Dean, in their own bed, every single morning.

“The hell is it?!” Dean was rummaging through his bedside table now. Dean had insisted on buying a new bed together, saying something about making a big 'couple's' purchase to christen the apartment. Not that them having sex on the kitchen counter the moment they walked in hadn't christened it enough, but Dean had insisted and Castiel couldn't refuse. He still didn't believe it sometimes, but here they were, shared closet and everything, brand new furniture and a strange domestic pattern to their lives Castiel still hadn't gotten used to.

“Shit!” Dean snapped, his eyes darting around the bedroom frantically. Castiel decided to finally put him out of his misery.

“I love you, Dean, but sometimes you're hopeless,” Castiel said quietly, smiling. It wasn't loud, but it was enough to get Dean to turn around. When he saw the salmon tie, (not pink, Dean firmly stated) in Castiel's outstretched hand, he flushed.

“Garment bag?” he mumbled. Castiel nodded. Dean walked over to him, sulking, and it was so adorable Castiel wrapped the tie around his neck, pulling him in for a soft kiss. Dean kissed him a second time when Castiel pulled back. “Sorry I'm such a mess,” Dean sighed. Castiel pulled his face up by his chin, meeting Dean's gaze and giving him a warm smile. He ran his other hand along Dean's tux coat, smoothing it out where he'd sent it askew from his search.

“Dean, it's going to be fine. It's going to be the best day of his life.” Dean's expression softened. He knew why Dean wanted this to be perfect. Not just because it was Sam's day and everyone should have a perfect wedding day, but because it was his brother, the one person in the whole world Dean had worked the hardest to make happy. Dean had told Castiel before about how, for as long as Dean could remember, Sam was the only person in the world he felt deserved to be happy. He had revised this theory to include Castiel, and reminded him of it over and over for the past few months, but Castiel understood how important his brother was to Dean, and didn't mind at all. He tied Dean's tie for him, fingers moving deftly, tucking it into his vest with a smile.

“Have I mentioned lately how awesome you are?” Dean sighed, finding Castiel's hands with his own and squeezing softly. Castiel shrugged.

“Once or twice.” Dean kissed him before turning and taking in his reflection in the mirror.

“Not bad for almost pink,” Dean said to himself. Castiel's gaze roved over Dean's body, taking in this dressed up version of the man he loved. Any day he wasn't in flannel was a bonus, but all done up in a tux, was something amazingly special. Not to mention the way the dress pants clung to his ass.

“I know there's a rule about out dressing the bride on her day, but I sincerely hope there's not one about out dressing the groom. There's no way Sam is going to look as good as you,” Castiel said conspiratorially, watching Dean's cheeks turn red in the reflection of the mirror. “However, the dress Jess is going to be in makes you look like a hobo,” he added casually.

“Shut up,” Dean mumbled, before turning, his eyes widening. “You've seen Jess' dress?!” Castiel shrugged.

“With her in it.” Dean just blinked. “What? She asked me to go with her and her bridesmaids to dress shop. Apparently she wanted a guys opinion on how slutty or not slutty to go.” He tried to keep a casual face, but couldn't help the laugh that escaped him at Dean's dumbfounded face.

“I don't know whether I should be glad you two have become such good friends, or worried.” Dean muttered. Castiel and Jess had been forming quite a friendship over the months, and he'd been roped into her wedding planning somehow. Not that he minded, he enjoyed being a part of something, and had even volunteered to do their wedding cake, custom design and everything. Charlie was taking it to the reception hall today for him, on the condition one of her nerd friends would be allowed to stand in the back during the ceremony and Skype with her so she could see it.

“Oh, I think you should be very worried,” Castiel laughed and stood, his own suit muted compared to Dean's, but he felt Dean's eyes on him anyway.  He dressed up more often than he needed really, just to enjoy the hungry look on Dean's face when he pulled off his tie.  He winked at Dean as he walked by, towards the front door, slipping into his shoes and grabbing his beige trench coat and Dean's jacket.  It was supposed to be chilly tonight, October was halfway to an end. He stepped out the door, already feeling a slight chill to the air when a memory sucker punched him.

He stopped so suddenly Dean walked into his back.

_It was October 15th…_

“The 15th...” he breathed. Dean grabbed hold of Castiel's shoulders to steady himself before slipping Castiel's hand in his.

“Cas? Hey what's wrong?” The concern was written all over Dean's face. Castiel swallowed the memory, pushing it deep down in his gut where it belonged. Not today, he had no time for it today. He met Dean's eyes, knowing he couldn't lie to Dean, but he was in no way going to let this ruin Dean’s good mood. He forced a smile on his face and he knew Dean could tell it was fake, but thankfully, Dean didn't say anything about it, seeming to understand Castiel just wanted to drop it.

“I'm okay, Dean. I just... It's not important.” Dean frowned so he kissed him, and it seemed to reassure him enough to unfurrow his brow. “We'll talk about it after you make it to your brother's wedding on time, okay?” Dean stood there for another moment.

“Promise?”

“Promise,” Castiel nodded. Dean squeezed his hand and gave him one more kiss before heading downstairs. They climbed into the Impala and started driving out to the large Catholic church Jess' family attended. Castiel wasn't the religious type, but Sam believed and the church was gorgeous, and in spite of he and Dean's relationship, the priest performing the wedding had been polite and tolerant towards them, so as far as Castiel was concerned the place was okay.

When they arrived it was a flurry of hellos and handshakes, both from Jess' family and Dean and Sam's extended network of friends and family. Castiel started to feel a bit overwhelmed by all the introductions, but Dean’s hand on his lower back helped ground him.  

“Dammit, where is he?” Dean muttered under his breath.  Their adopted Uncle Bobby had just come back from a trip to South Dakota visiting friends, and this would be Castiel's first time meeting him in person. Dean was noticeably excited as he scanned the crowd for Bobby, craning his head to look around the group of people in the lobby. Dean talked about him fondly, the father his father never was, and even though they had never met Castiel already felt an affection for the man, simply through Dean's own love. He could sense Dean's nervous energy change when he caught sight of the gruff face in the crowd.  “C'mere,” he said, grabbing Castiel's hand and dragging him through the people. He and Bobby fell into a bear hug before Dean pulled back and gestured to Castiel.

“Bobby, this is Castiel,” he said, beaming. Castiel reached out to shake Bobby's hand but found himself pulled into a hug instead.

“Heard a lot about you, boy,” he said before dropping his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Thank you for taking care of the idjit, God knows someone needs to,” he said quietly. “And welcome to the family,” he said a bit louder. Castiel grinned at Dean's suspicious glare. He looked between the two of them, hands on his hips.

“What'd he say?” he demanded but Castiel just shrugged, grinning at Dean's discomfort.

“Don't you have somewhere to be?” Bobby asked, and Dean's eyes widened as he checked his watch and bolted for the front of the church. Castiel watched him go.

“I can't imagine what he's going to be like at your wedding,” Bobby said casually. Castiel's stomach immediately started doing acrobatic tricks.

“Wh- Our?!” Bobby gave him a knowing smile.

“Oh, give it some time. But that boy's got it bad.” He patted Castiel on the shoulder hard enough to leave a bruise. “You've managed to make an honest man out of him.  Never would have thought it possible,” he said, walking off to greet others. Castiel just stood stock still, staring at the tiled floor for a moment. Their wedding? Images came unbidden to his mind of himself and Dean in complimenting tuxes, the two of them buying rings, and felt himself flush scarlet. He hadn't entertained that thought yet, about taking that permanent step with Dean until that moment. Hell, they were still trying to negotiate living together, marriage was probably jumping the gun.

Now that the idea was in there, Castiel couldn't get it out. He took a series of deep breaths and made his way inside the sanctuary to find a seat.

The ceremony was beautiful, Jess was flawless in her gown, and Sam dressed up pretty nicely as well.  Castiel caught Dean leaking a tear more than once as he stood beside his brother, which he mercilessly teased him about once they arrived at the reception. So when it came time for Dean to give his best man speech, he fought valiantly against the tears in his eyes and managed to make it through.

“You're a pain in the ass,” he sighed at Castiel a short while later, walking up to him at the buffet. Castiel grinned, a look of pure innocence on his face.

“I have no idea what you're talking about, Dean Winchester.” he huffed. Dean's eyes sparkled and he looked like he was about to lean in for a kiss when Sam walked up, clapping them both on the back.

“Hey, Cas, no causing trouble, remember? We talked about this,” Sam joked. Castiel sighed.

“But Sam, look at your brother, he's begging for a teasing, especially in the pink tie...”

“Salmon,” Dean huffed, stalking off to sit and eat. Sam and Castiel laughed, and Jess walked up a moment later.

“What are you boys doing to poor Dean?” she sighed, leaning into Sam affectionately. Castiel felt a strange twinge, watching the two of them so absolutely smitten, and imagined he and Dean in the glow of their own wedding day again. How happy Dean would look, his cheeks flushed and eyes shining…

“Nothing he won't get over,” Sam said. Castiel shook the thoughts from his head and made to go sit with Dean, but Sam stopped him.

“Hey, Cas, the wedding cake you made was fantastic,” he said, gesturing at the end of the buffet table where the remains of the three tier cake Castiel had painstakingly worked on for the last week were being handed out by Charlie. He shrugged.

“I enjoyed making it, maybe I'll start offering wedding cakes for nerd weddings at the Nerd Haven,” he smiled, making a note to talk to Charlie about it. He sensed there was something else they wanted to talk to him about. “What's up?” he asked. Sam and Jess stared at each other for a few moments, almost like they were having a silent conversation. It seemed Sam won because Jess rolled her eyes and grabbed Castiel's hand.

“Not to be awkward about this,” Jess dropped her voice, leaning in closer to Castiel, “but we were balancing our books, you know, to get ready to leave for the honeymoon. You never cashed the check we gave you for the cake.” Castiel blushed.  He would have done it for free from the beginning, but they had insisted Castiel give them a price when they were ordering the cake.  He’d voided and tossed the check the day they gave it to him, and to be totally honest he’d forgotten about it.

“I thought... as a wedding gift...” He opened his hands in a shrug, blushing. Sam and Jess blinked at him.

“Cas, that's over $300...” Sam started, but was interrupted by Jess leaning in and hugging Castiel, tears in her eyes. Castiel smiled at Sam's own attempt to hide his emotion over her shoulder.

“We're family, right?” he said softly. Sam nodded, blinking at the wetness in his own eyes. The warmth Castiel was feeling at that moment was inexplicable, and he clung to it as desperately as Jess was clinging to him now.

“Thanks, Cas.”

_Thank you_ , Castiel thought to himself.

 

When he finally made his way over to sit next to Dean and eat, he was grinning from ear to ear.

“I'm assuming that was about the cake?” Dean asked, his plate already clean. Castiel nodded.

“Should I tell Sam it was his loving brother's idea to offer to do the cake when I was panicking looking for a gift?” Castiel said casually, rewarded with Dean's cheeks turning bright red.

“I know where you sleep,” Dean muttered under his breath. Castiel ran his hand over Dean's knee under the table.

“I'm counting on it,” he whispered, bringing another blush up to Dean's ears. Dean stood a bit too quickly and wandered off to talk to Bobby, Castiel's laugh chasing him along. Castiel ate on his own, smiling to himself, a warm happiness running through him. He looked around at all the wedding guests, at Sam and Jess glowing with love, and at Dean's easy smile, Charlie's laugh recounting stories of Dean and Sam's exploits. This is what family was supposed to be.

As suddenly as the happiness set in, it vanished just as quickly, Castiel’s epiphany from that morning returning to haunt him.

_October 15th, it had to be today._

He stood slowly, making sure to leave the room before Dean saw him, not wanting his sour mood to cause anyone concern. Most of the wedding guests were all staying in the same hotel as the reception, so he made his way upstairs to the room he and Dean were sharing for the night, grabbed his coat, and went back downstairs to go for a walk, the brisk early evening air nipping at his cheeks when he stepped outside.

October 15th. He hadn't really noticed the date leading up to the wedding at all, it didn't even register until it was here, that this happy occasion, this beautiful moment would share in that horrible anniversary.  His phone buzzed in his pocket, and when he checked he saw a new text from Dean.

_D: Where'd you go? You weren't even properly drunk yet ;)_

_C: Out for a walk, ate a bit too much._

The lie felt wrong, but in text at least Dean wouldn't notice it. He made his way to a playground behind the hotel’s main building, walking up to the swings, sitting in one and digging the toes of his shoes into the pebbles at his feet.

His recurring dream popped up in his mind, him and Gabe on the playground, him asking if Raphael would come play. Castiel sighed to himself.  The actual events of October 15th, the day the dream was modeled on, started to run through his mind.

Gabriel had woken Castiel up early that morning, and made him get dressed quickly, leading him outside in a hurry and down to the playground.  Castiel and Gabriel stayed the entire morning, just the two of them.  Castiel hadn't complained, he’d enjoyed being allowed to run around and get dirty all day, and Gabriel seemed in no hurry to take him back home. When a strange car had pulled up, Raphael waiting inside the backseat already, Castiel thought they had been in trouble for running off.  Little did he know, as young as he was, that was the least of his problems.

In his dream, it's his dad's car, coming to take them home.

In life, it had been child services.

Their father had left them, they told Castiel, and he wasn't coming back. Raphael was 15, Gabe was 9, and Castiel was only 5. They stayed in a home for three years before Raphael became their legal guardian and moved them out on their own, and Raphael had never treated Castiel with anything other than loathing ever since.  He had never treated Castiel well to begin with, blaming him for his mother leaving, but once their Dad was gone it reached a whole new level of contempt.

Castiel had told all of this story to Dean before, but he had never told him the exact date. That day nearly twenty years ago when a stranger had picked them up at the playground and his life, his family as he knew it, had ended.

“You're going to catch your death out here,” Dean sighed from behind Castiel. It took him a few minutes to realize Dean was really there, his voice slowly bringing him back to reality, and he looked up, feeling the tears he hadn’t realized he’d been crying cold against his face. His hands were numb and cold to the touch when he wiped at his cheeks.

“Sorry, I just...” Dean walked around, dropping to his knees and taking Castiel's hands in his and rubbing them back to warmth. The concern that immediately flooded his face the moment Castiel turned making Castiel feel just a tiny bit better.

“You left the reception two hours ago,” Dean said softly, “Have you been out here the whole time?” Castiel just stared at his feet, feeling miserable.

“Sorry, I'm... I didn't mean to... today's supposed to be perfect...” he stammered, wanting to tell Dean he was sorry for all this, for bringing him down on a day he was supposed to feel nothing but good things. Dean kissed his forehead.

“You're not making any sense, Cas. Let's get you inside and warmed up, okay? We'll talk through this.” Dean said, pulling Castiel out of the swing and back towards the hotel, his arm warm against his shoulders. Castiel's phone buzzed again, and he looked at Dean questioningly.

“Hey, don't look at me,” Dean said softly. Castiel pulled out the phone, the number wasn't one he recognized.

“Hello?”

“Hey, little bro, long time no chat.” That voice... His legs gave way before Dean could catch him, and he crumbled to the ground, nearly dropping the phone in the process. He hit knees first but no physical pain registered compared to the pain running through his heart.

“Gabriel?” he gasped, his chest constricting.

“Cassie.”  With the memories so fresh in his mind, hearing his brother’s voice was excruciating.

“How'd you...how’d you get my number?” he was vaguely aware of Dean kneeling next to him, of the pain in his knees where they'd hit the sidewalk, but his head was spinning too much to focus on anything but Gabriel's voice.

“It's amazing what you can track down with a good lawyer and some cash.” He paused for a moment while Castiel focused on breathing. His brother's voice was thinner, and a bit more rough around the edges than he remembered, but the arrogance was all Gabriel.

“It's October 15th,” Castiel breathed, the tears returning unwillingly to his eyes, unable to think of any other reason his brother would call.

“I know.” Silence hung between them awkwardly as Dean managed to get Castiel back on his feet. After a moment, Gabriel finally spoke. “Look, I just... I finally got out from under him, Cas.” He knew he meant Raphael, but that was all Castiel was understanding. “I know you haven't been paying attention to the news back home, and God knows I don't blame you.”

“Just tell me what you want,” Castiel sighed. Gabriel took a deep breath, and all traces of his usual confidence dwindled, and for the first time in nearly 20 years he sounded scared.

“Raphael's finally going to prison.” Gabriel's voice was odd, relieved but guilty at the same time.

“Finally? For what?” Castiel was confused. “I mean, I know he was involved in some financial crap but I don't remember any of it being that serious...” More silence.

“Holy fucking shit, Castiel.” Gabriel sighed. “You really don't know... even after growing up... You buried your head in the fucking sand.” Castiel was shaking his head, totally confused as to what Gabriel was talking about, and getting slightly angry at his belittling tone.

“What is going on? What do you want from me?” he demanded. He knew he should get inside, and judging by the pain in his knees they’d need some taking care of, but he didn’t want to have this conversation where anyone else but Dean could hear. Dean was standing a few steps away, concern written all over his face, watching Castiel closely but not making any move to get involved.

“I had to see you again, you understand,” Gabriel's voice sounded weird, like it was coming from two places at once. When Dean gasped and tensed, Castiel turned to follow his gaze.

Gabriel was standing behind him.  Castiel’s phone slipped from his hand.

“Like I said, a lawyer and some cash....” Gabriel dropped his phone and his hands in his pockets, just standing there watching Castiel try and wrap his head around what he was seeing. Castiel wasn't sure what his body wanted to do. He wanted to run up to Gabriel and hug him, wanted to punch him, wanted to run away. In the end, he just stood there, dumbfounded.  His hands were shaking uncontrollably.

“What the hell is going on, why are you here?”

“Nice to see you too, brother.” The smirk Gabriel always wore was strained, almost painful looking. He just stared at Castiel for a few moments, then his gaze shifted to Dean briefly. “Is this your boy?” he asked, using the term he’d teasingly call any guy Castiel had ever been friends with. Castiel felt his cheeks flush.

“Don't belittle me, not anymore,” he snapped, surprised at the heat in his own voice. Gabriel held his hands up.

“Okay, okay. It... looks like you're doing good for yourself, Cassie.” He paused, and Castiel blinked at the compliment. That was out of character for Gabriel, and that was almost worse than a leering comment about his choice in lover.

“You're starting to scare me,” Castiel breathed.

“I'm scaring myself.” He rubbed at his forehead. “I'm leaving for France tomorrow, which is why I had to see you tonight.” Castiel frowned.

“Tomorrow?”

“That's what I said.”

“You came all this way to tell me you’re going to France?  Why did you think I needed to know that badly?”  Castiel was beyond confused now.

“Because I may not be coming back.” Gabriel shoved his hands in his pockets again, and all previous images he had of his brother faded into this small man, looking broken and sorrowful. Castiel had grown taller than him over the years, and the lines on Gabriel’s face mixed with the slight graying of his hair around his temples made Castiel realize his brother was just a man.  For the first time in his life, Castiel was looking at his brother as an equal.  “I screwed up, Castiel. I messed this all up, for you.”

“What are you talking about?!” Castiel shouted.  He was tired of Gabriel's non answers.

“Raphael. I testified against him, and you know the kind of company he keeps.” Castiel frowned.  He was well aware of the ‘friends’ his eldest brother had, but why would they be after Gabriel?

“Testified? For what?” Gabriel looked over at Dean.

“Hey, what's your name?” he asked quietly.

“Dean,” came the gruff answer.

”Would you mind grabbing my brother and sitting him down on that bench right behind you?” Dean hesitated for a moment, but Castiel felt his strong hands against his arms, pulling him backwards slowly. Castiel looked over his shoulder at Dean as he sat them both down, placing a comforting arm around his shoulders. Gabriel looked at the two of them for a moment, then dropped his gaze to the floor. “Cas, Raphael killed Dad.”

If Dean hadn't been there Castiel would have slid off the bench and hit the floor harder than he had the first time. Dean held him close against his body, and Castiel had to anchor onto his presence to keep from passing out.

“You're... no this.... Dad left. That's what you told me, that's what you all _fucking_ told me...”

“Castiel, you were 5. I lied to the police to protect you, but I knew what Raphael had done. That's why I took you to the park, to get you away from there. To keep you innocent.” Tears were falling in earnest down Castiel's face now, burning then freezing at the same time. This couldn't be happening, this was a lie, some torture Gabriel made up specifically for him, to spite him for leaving. Yet he felt the burn of the sobs in his chest, felt Dean's arms holding him tight, and he knew it was real.

“How could you... you just let me go on believing Dad was.... I waited for him to come back, for nearly _ten years_!! How was that fair?”

“I know, I... “ Gabriel backed up a few steps. “I just wanted you to know, before I left. I'm.... I'm sorry, Castiel.” He shifted his gaze to Dean. “Take care of him, like I never could,” Dean nodded and without another glance Gabriel turned and walked back towards the parking lot. Castiel wanted to run after him, beat him, make him tell him it was a lie, to scream at him, but he just sobbed in Dean's arms. He watched his brother walk away, and there was nothing he could do.

He closed his eyes against the pain when suddenly everything Gabriel had said made sense, like something clicked into place and all the other dominoes followed. He remembered the tension between his brothers, the way Gabriel always just avoided making Raphael mad, and convinced Castiel to do the same. Everything the child in Castiel saw he was seeing again as an adult, and suddenly, it was as clear as day. When he'd ask Gabriel about their dad, the sad look in his eyes and the resigned way he'd tell him he was never coming back.

Gabriel had brought him pain and closure all in one conversation, and Castiel's head was swimming from the information overload. He had no memory of making it to the hotel room, but suddenly he was there, Dean sitting him on the edge of the bed and peeling off his trench coat gently. He pulled off Castiel's shoes, his suit jacket and his tie before shrugging out of his own tux, leaving on his undershirt and pulling on some pajamas. A knock on their door pulled Dean away.

“Hey, I saw you carrying Cas, what happened?” It was Charlie's voice, and Castiel buried his head in his hands, feeling bad enough Dean had to witness the whole exchange, he didn't want anyone else to see him like this.

“It's a long story, Charlie, and it's Cas' to tell, so I don't want to say anything.” Castiel glanced through his fingers, loving Dean so desperately in that moment. He was even shielding Charlie's gaze with his body, blocking Castiel from sight. “Listen, he may not be able to make it into work for a while. If you need help covering his shifts let me know and I'll gladly help.”

“Hey, tell him he can take as long as he needs, Dean. I'll man the fort.” Charlie said goodbye and the door clicked shut, Dean sliding the deadbolt into place. Castiel briefly wondered how he ended up with such amazing friends before Dean was back. He knelt in front of Castiel, gently picking at his pants around his knees, and that's when Castiel noticed they were torn all to hell, and sticky with blood.

“C'mon, let's get you out of these, okay?” Dean said quietly, lifting Castiel up off the bed. He undressed Castiel completely, stripping him down to nothing and leading him into the bathroom, sitting him down in the bathtub and turning on the shower. The water was warm and soothing against his cold skin. Dean fussed over him a bit, making sure he put the soap and shampoo where Castiel could reach. “Do you want a moment?” he breathed. Castiel nodded and he left, stopping just long enough to plant a soft kiss on his forehead.

Castiel’s father, Charles, had never been what one would call a loving dad.  He was hard on his children, expecting them to follow his rules to the letter, and even the smallest step out of line earned them a severe punishment.  Their mother had left just after Castiel was born, he’d hardly known her.  As an adult, he realized it was amazing she’d stayed with his father as long as she had, the type of man he was hardly loving and caring.  Raphael blamed Castiel for her departure, and loathed his father for defending his youngest son.

Raphael had killed their father, and Gabriel had known, all these years. He had kept the outright truth from Castiel to protect him, hoping against hope he would figure it out on his own. All his anger and resentment he had ever felt for Gabriel dissolved, leaving him feeling hollow. But it was done, Raphael was being punished, locked away where he could never hurt Castiel again. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, the hate he felt for his brother, but he needed to feel something just to know he still could.

Dean came back in the bathroom after a while, kneeling on the floor next to the bathtub and immediately noticing he hadn't bothered to wash yet. He bathed Castiel like a small child, running a soapy cloth over his skin, washing his scraped knees with extra care. Castiel watched him work, gently soaping down the cuts and rinsing them with a washcloth, and he suddenly reached out to take his hand, unaware his arm had even moved. Dean looked up at him, sympathy and concern written on his face.

“I'm sorry,” Castiel said softly, another tear running down his face. Dean frowned at the absurdity of Castiel apologizing to him.

“Don't,” he said, his voice hoarse. “Don't apologize for this.” He squeezed Castiel's hand tightly.

“You're still here,” Castiel whispered, and just like that he was hit with pain all over again, doubling over and crying uncontrollably. Dean stripped and climbed under the water with him, pulling Castiel into his arms and holding him through his sobbing.

“I've got you. It's okay, Cas, I've got you.” Dean whispered, stroking his back and rocking him gently.  "I'll always be here," he breathed, and that small sentence nestled itself inside the painful hollow that was Castiel's heart, a tiny light in his darkness.

 

 


	9. Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I think I might have OD'd on fluff in this chapter.
> 
> Oh well ;)
> 
> BETA'D AND UPDATED

Castiel spent the better part of a week wandering around the apartment like a zombie, just getting up long enough to eat, use the bathroom, and shower. Dean was more patient than Castiel would have thought anyone would be capable of being, cooking for him, helping him shave, even covering a shift for him at the bakery.  It had been six days now, and Castiel had barely said more than five words a day, the ones he did say mainly being 'yes' and 'no'.

The first day, he had looked up the news from back home, reading about Raphael's downfall, starting with an investigation into his finances and ending with a murder trial.  At times during the following days, it was like it had happened to someone else, that it wasn't Castiel's brother, but then it would hit him so suddenly and violently he would just double over on the floor, chest collapsing and exploding all at once.  

On the seventh day, it was like his fever broke. He woke in the morning as Dean headed out to work, and actually smiled as he watched him leave the bedroom. He stood and walked out to the kitchen, eating the breakfast Dean had made out of habit and reading the small note he had left.

_Cas,_

_I know you've had a rough week. I want to take you somewhere tonight if you'll let me. I've been where you've been, and I think I know something that might help._

_I miss you,_

_Dean_

It was a short and simple message, and Castiel found his hand shaking as he read the note. He had been so wrapped up in his own pain, he hadn't even given a thought to Dean, how it must feel to watch Castiel fall apart like this. I miss you. Dean had practically been with him every moment of the past six days, but Castiel was so far away, so lost he had left Dean all alone.  A pang of guilt went through him, but he shook it off.  He was back, and Dean wanted to be with him tonight.  

He climbed into the shower, getting dressed in real clothes for the first time in days. He looked at his reflection, there were circles under his eyes, but with a shower and a shave he looked human, and there was life in his eyes again. He'd made it out the other side of a long dark tunnel, all thanks to one man. He grabbed his phone, pulling up Dean's number.

_C: I love you._

He pulled up Charlie's name and sent her a brief note thanking her for taking care of the shop and promising her a dinner date to explain what had happened. As he went through his email, replying to notes from customers and friends alike, he got a message back from Dean.

_D:Did you get my note?_

_C: Yes._

_D: I'll be home early tonight, I already arranged it with Bobby._

_C: I'll be waiting._

The cursor flashed the dots that meant Dean was typing for a few moments. Castiel sat and waited as they stopped then started again.

_D: See you then, babe._

He smiled. It was Dean's secret way he said 'I love you'. Every time he paused like that, Castiel could hear the words as clear as if he was actually saying them, even though he never did.

He spent the rest of the day answering all his emails and texts, apologizing for disappearing over and over, and thanking people for their kind words. He wandered back into the kitchen to make lunch, deciding on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  When he put his plate away he found three cards for him on the kitchen counter, still sealed in their envelopes. The first was from Charlie, a dirty joke 'thinking of you' card, with an equally sarcastic message on the inside, and Castiel's heart swelled with love for his friend. The second was from Sam and Jess, a traditional sympathy card with lovely notes from the two of them inside.  Dean must have told Sam about what happened.  He wasn't angry that Dean had talked to Sam about it, with Castiel lost in his own head Dean had needed someone to talk to, and who better but Sam.  The third card had no markings on the envelope except for his address, but it was postmarked from France.

 _Gabriel._  

Castiel knew who it was from even without a return address on the card, and he opened it with shaking hands. The card was of a pretty landscape, but no words were pre-printed on it, the only words at all the handwritten note from his brother.

_Castiel,_

_I have arrived here in France, living with a friend from college till I get my feet underneath me. Balthazar and I get along great, you'd probably hate him. I'm rather drunk, and this may be the last chance I give myself to write you this note.   I never wanted to deal with what happened, because once I did, I knew I would feel this shitty about it. You deserved a better brother than what I was. You deserved a real family, and Raphael took that away from both of us._

_You probably won't get this till the end of the week, even with express postage, so Dean will probably tell you about the money I left you. No monetary amount can make up for what I took from you, but I wasn't going to need it over here anyway. Starting fresh and all that.   If you ever make it to France, I'll take you to Disneyland Paris. I'm sure by then you and Dean will have a handful of brats to drag around a theme park. Knowing you'll finally get that family you deserve gives me peace of mind._

_I'm running out of vodka and card, so I guess this is goodbye._

_Gabriel_

Tears were running down Castiel's cheeks, but they were cleansing, not painful like all the others.  He was finally starting to forgive Gabriel, after all these years of hating him for not sticking up for him.   It turned out he had given up his own peace of mind just to help protect Castiel.  He heard the front door lock open, and almost as soon as he turned around Dean had walked up to him and wrapped him up in his arms.

“Welcome back,” he breathed, holding Castiel so tight he almost couldn't breathe. “Don't you ever leave me like that again,” he scolded shortly after, a slight tremor in his voice. Castiel buried himself in the comfort of Dean's embrace, realizing just then how badly he missed it.  He grabbed hold of the fabric of Dean's shirt, absorbing his warmth, clinging to him like a life preserver.

“I'm sorry I made you worry,” Castiel said quietly. Dean turned his head and kissed him, cutting off any further apology or words for that matter. Dean pulled away after a moment, holding Castiel's face in his hands.

“I'm just glad you're back,” Dean sighed, leaning back and noticing the cards on the counter. “You found your mail?” he asked.  "I figured you'd open them when you were ready."  Castiel wordlessly handed Dean Gabriel's card and sat at the dining table.  He watched Dean's eyes roving over the message, and he knew the moment Dean got to the part about the kids, because his eyes widened and his face flushed, Castiel could almost see his brain racing.  He set the card next to the others and Castiel let him gather his thoughts before saying anything.

“What did he mean about the money?” he asked, completely ignoring the comment about the kids.  He wasn't ready to have that conversation with Dean, not today, but the way Dean looked at him after reading that sentence made him feel warm inside.  Dean blinked a few times, flustered for a moment, then seemed to gather himself as he reached into a drawer, pulling out a large envelope.

“This came in the mail three days ago, and I got a call from Gabriel to warn me it was coming."  He looked like he wanted to say something else, but changed his mind.  "He liquidated his house, his cars, everything he owned, and the bank just needs you to show up with this paperwork to pick it up. I'm not sure how much it is exactly, but I gathered it was quite a bit.” Castiel nodded, setting the envelope down without opening it.  He knew Gabriel had done well for himself, but had never given much thought to money.  He had started up his business on his own, had worked hard to earn what he had, but he had never been in such bad shape as to even consider asking Gabriel for help.  He took a deep breath, pushing the last week away.

“October 15th was the day my father died,” he said quietly. Dean swallowed his surprise at the change in topic and sat next to Castiel, taking his hand.  “That day in the park... the worst day of my life... I didn't realize it was the same date as Sam's wedding until the day of.” He noticed the sad look on Dean's face.

“Cas... why are you...?”

“Sam's wedding. I promised I would tell you what was wrong,” he said simply. Dean half smiled, grabbing Castiel's hand and weaving their fingers together.

“You're ridiculous,” he sighed, lifting Castiel's hand to kiss his knuckles.

“It was a beautiful wedding,” Castiel said softly. “You were a mess though, don't know how you would have made it through without me.” He wasn't sure where the words were coming from, but he couldn't stop them. It was like everything he wanted to say, everything he meant to say over the past few days was spilling out in a jumble. “Bobby said you'd be just as frantic, if not worse at our wedding...” the words flowed from Castiel's lips easily, but the way Dean suddenly started choking and sputtering next to him brought him back to reality.

“Cas, wha-”

“Sorry, sorry! I just... it was what Bobby said, it kinda slipped out...” He met Dean's gaze and something happened, something clicked behind Dean's eyes that Castiel had never seen before. After a few moments, Dean seemed to make up his mind about something.

“I don't know what to say to that...” Dean said, standing and pulling Castiel with him. “But like I said in my note, I'd like to take you somewhere. Are you up for a trip?” he asked softly. Castiel nodded.

“Yeah, I think so,” he said quietly, squeezing Dean's hand. The awkward moment forgotten, Dean led him to the door, draping Castiel's coat over his shoulders and grabbing his old leather jacket. They headed out into the crisp October evening, the bite of the fresh air on Castiel's face making him feel better instantly. They climbed into the Impala and took off, Dean not saying where they were going and Castiel not asking. It was nice to be feeling well enough to be out of the house, and with Dean there with him he would go anywhere Dean wanted to take him.

The sun was starting to sink towards the horizon when Dean stopped the car. Castiel focused on his surroundings, and found they were in a graveyard. The dark thoughts that had plagued him all week started to creep up again, but when he felt Dean's warm hand on his arm, they fade away to a dull numbness, not nearly as overpowering as they had been. He looked over at Dean.

“Why are we here?” he asked quietly. Dean took his hand between his, holding it tightly.

“When my dad passed, I was angry for a while. I drank a lot, nearly drove Sam away from me. Charlie came into our lives shortly after that, but I...” he paused, “I didn't feel any better until I came out here.” They sat in silence for a moment. “It's kinda weird, and a bit morbid I guess...” Castiel suddenly realized what Dean was leading up to.

“I'll go,” he said quietly, letting go of Dean's hand and climbing out of the car. Dean followed him, linking his arm through Castiel's and leading him through the headstones. They walked for a few minutes in silence, the silent gray stones passing by one by one. Dean's presence was comforting, and he walked with a purpose in his step. He held tighter to Dean's arm, resting his head on his shoulder as they walked. Dean pressed a soft kiss against the top of his head and Castiel smiled.

When Dean stopped, Castiel looked down. Two matching headstones sat next to each other:

_Mary Winchester                                   John Winchester_

_Beloved Wife and Mother                     Father, Soldier, Friend_

“Hey, Mom,” Dean said so quietly, Castiel almost couldn't hear him. He thought he knew Dean, had seen all sides of his personality, but as he watched him kneel in front of Mary's grave and start speaking, he became so beautiful, so soft and gentle, it brought tears to Castiel's eyes. “I haven't been by in a while. I'm going through some stuff, you know? Some changes, good ones, I think.  I'm happy, really happy.”  He glanced over his shoulder at Castiel, his eyes shining.  “I brought someone with me today. He's great at baking pie, and you know how much I love pie.  He's kind, he makes me laugh... he gets me, Mom.  More than anyone ever has.  I just... I don't think I'll ever deserve him.” Castiel knelt next to Dean, running his hand into his and squeezing tightly. “This is Castiel, Mom.” He leaned into Dean, this man who had suffered loss just as Castiel had, who had spent his entire life pretending to be who people wanted him to be just as Castiel had. They were twin souls, both damaged to the breaking point, and now, being put back together one piece at a time.

Dean was right, this was healing him without him even knowing why. He looked over at Dean's father's grave, knowing that somewhere back home his father was buried. He would go back someday, say goodbye, but for now, it was enough knowing he could, that finally he knew and could say goodbye to his dad.

“Your son has grown into an extraordinary man,” Castiel whispered, surprisingly not feeling strange talking like this to a gravestone. “I think you'd both be proud of him. He's raised his brother into an extraordinary man, who's going to be an excellent father someday. He's managed to take care of me, even though I don't make it easy.” Dean nudged him, smiling through his blush. “I'll keep an eye on him for you.” Dean squeezed his hand, and Castiel felt better than he had in years. The pain was there, and probably wasn't going to ever go away, but he had someone to share it with, and that made a world of difference.

“Thank you, Dean,” he whispered. Dean stood, helping him up, pulling him into a tight hug.

“Let's go home, yeah?” Castiel kissed him.

“Home,” he agreed.

 

They ordered in Chinese food for dinner, laying together on the couch and watching reruns of some crime drama, not speaking, but not needing to. Castiel leaned in after the fifth episode, kissing Dean and sitting up.

“Feeling better?” Dean asked, running a hand through his hair. Castiel leaned into his touch.

“Much.” He kissed Dean's wrist and palm as his hand ran down Castiel's cheek. “I'm sorry, Dean, for this week.” He looked down at his hands resting in his lap. “I'm sorry I was such a burden to you.” Dean placed a hand over Castiel's.

“You're not a burden, Cas. I was glad I got to take care of you.” He was still laying down on the couch, one leg behind Castiel's back, the other over the front of the couch, flush against Castiel's. He smiled up at Castiel, running his hand over his back softly. “You don't realize it, but you've been taking care of me since the day we sat in that park together. Over...” Dean's eyes widened suddenly. “Over a year ago now...” Castiel's heart jumped at the blush that spread across Dean's freckles.

“Dean... I...” he wanted to put into words everything he was feeling, but failed miserably, nothing coming out no matter how much he wanted it to. “I love you,” he finally sighed, reaching out and running his hand over Dean's knee where it rested against his own. “I love you so... God so much,” Dean's eyes changed slightly, the way they had before at the kitchen table, and he sat up, wrapping Castiel in his arms tightly.

“I love you, too,” he breathed, right into Castiel's ear.

Castiel's eyes popped open wide, a tremor running through his whole body.

_He said it. He actually said it._

Castiel told himself he didn't need to hear it, but the moment those words left Dean's lips, it was like he had been waiting for them his whole life. No one had ever said those words to him and meant it the way Dean did.

“You okay?” Dean asked, sounding concerned. Castiel forced his body to relax, and he felt a small laugh escape his lips. It started growing, bubbling up and out of his chest, and soon he was laughing uncontrollably, wrapping his arms around Dean and squeezing him close, laughing till tears ran down his face. Soon Dean was laughing along with him, planting small kisses on his forehead and cheeks. When the laughing subsided, Castiel was breathing heavily, his cheeks flush and his heart pumping and he felt so alive.

“I'm good,” he said, kissing Dean soflty. “I'm good,” he said again, kissing him firmly, running a hand up into his hair and pulling him in close. Dean moaned under Castiel's lips, then reached up to Castiel's hand, pulling it out of his hair and pulling away. He was breathing hard, but concern was written on his face.

“Cas, are you... are you sure you're ready for this? I don't-” Castiel broke free of Dean's grasp and leaned in to interrupt him with a kiss.

“Dean, I promise,” he looked into his eyes, smiling, “I'm beyond ready for this.” Dean's eyes flashed and he was kissing Castiel, his hands already moving under his shirt to run up his stomach and chest. Castiel started pulling at Dean's shirt, tugging it up and over his head as Dean pulled his off. Dean gave him a friendly shove and Castiel got the hint and stood, pulling Dean to his feet and towards their bedroom.

_Our bedroom. Our home. Our life._

They had crossed that bridge now, their lives no longer separate but two parts of a whole. They slowly undressed each other, sharing lazy wet kisses and touches as they removed belts, jeans, and underwear. When they crawled into bed and Dean pulled Castiel on top of him, a sudden epiphany hit Castiel, and he was shocked to realize he hadn't noticed it before. It seemed silly in that moment, when he should have been worried about so many other things, but it was in his head now and it made him smile shyly.

Castiel had never bottomed. He blushed at the thought, leaning in to kiss Dean's neck before he could notice. It wasn't like he didn't want to, it just hadn't ever come up; in the heat of the moment Dean always willingly bottomed.  With his mind wandering distracted, he lost his rhythm and Dean finally noticed something was wrong.

“Hey, we can stop any time, Cas. If you're not ready, you just have to say so.” he breathed, running a hand along Castiel's back gently. He looked into the green depths of Dean's eyes and suddenly, realizing he had never had Dean inside him made him want it desperately. He ran a hand over Dean's face, down his jaw and down his chest, resting over Dean's beating heart.

“I'm fine, Dean.” He leaned in, kissing along his cheek down to his jaw, following the path his fingers had just taken as he traced lazy circles on his chest. “I just... I want you inside me,” he breathed, biting gently onto Dean's collarbone. “I've never had you inside me Dean and I fucking want it,” Dean's breathing was heavy in Castiel's ear, his chest rising and falling quickly.

“You've never...” Dean had the same realization Castiel just had, and his shock mixed with longing both melted Castiel's heart and set his body aflame. He leaned in, taking Dean's lower lip into his teeth.

“Please, Dean. I want to feel you,” he was rutting into Dean now, their hips slotting together, the friction sending shock waves through Castiel's body. Dean moaned, his arm wrapping tightly around Castiel, flipping him so Dean was leaning over him, his knee between Castiel's legs.

“Cas...” Dean pulled his face to his and kissed him, full of desire yet gentle and loving, and it was starting to drive Castiel crazy.

“Fuck me, Dean,” he hissed, reaching down his back and pulling Dean down into him, the sudden contact of their hips together bringing a groan from deep in Dean's chest. Dean leaned over, grabbing the lube out of the night stand, lavishing him with kisses and love nips as he slid back down Castiel's body. He seemed to need no more urging, licking and sucking his way down to Castiel's arousal, taking him in his mouth briefly, pulling a deep groan from Castiel's throat.  He was gone just as fast, the familiar sound of the lube opening and closing echoed through the room, and suddenly Dean's finger was gently pressing against him, pushing inside slowly, and Castiel felt himself moving into the touch. Dean shushed him, running his spare hand soothingly over Castiel's chest and stomach.

“Easy, baby, let me take care of you,” he breathed, kissing along his hip bone. As Dean worked at getting him ready, Castiel squeezed the sheets white knuckled, desperately writhing into Dean's fingers, unashamedly moaning each time he would brush against his prostate. “Jesus, Cas,” Dean leaned over him, kissing his neck, “you are so beautiful right now.” Castiel ran his hand over Dean's cheek, raising his gaze to look into his lust blown green eyes.

“Dean, please, I'm ready.” Dean leaned back, adjusting Castiel's hips. Castiel kept his eyes on Dean's, and when he felt Dean start to enter him, those eyes anchored him and kept him from coming on the spot. It felt like an eternity before Dean was finally buried inside Castiel, and they hung there for a moment, just breathing.

“You good?” Dean whispered, and Castiel nodded. As Dean moved inside him, he felt like the world fell away around them. All that was left was him and Dean, moving together as one. There was no hurry to their movements, no rush to finish. Dean rocked slowly into Castiel, and Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean, holding him tightly. Soft moans would escape Castiel's lips and Dean would kiss them away, only to grunt into Castiel's mouth as he drove into him.  They were blending into one person, body and soul, every part of them becoming part of the other.  A need was starting to burn in Castiel, and he couldn't deny it any more. He pushed up on Dean's shoulders, turning him over and rolling with him so he was on top of Dean. Dean's eyes shone with something that made Castiel's heart forget how to beat. He rolled his hips, grinding down on Dean, his hands resting on Dean's chest.

“Shit,” he breathed. Dean's hands found his hips, his fingers gripping him tight enough to leave bruises. His hips rose into Castiel's rhythm, meeting him with each thrust, and sending sparks through him each time he hit his prostate. He could feel himself getting close, nearing the edge of his release, and his rhythm began to falter. Dean reached up and took his face in his hand.

"I'm close..." Dean gasped.

"Me, too." Castiel grunts.

“Come for me, baby,” Dean breathed.  He doesn't want to, he wants Dean to come first, wants to feel his orgasm, wants to see his face when he slips over the edge.  He grabbed hold of Dean's arm for support, and suddenly he feels Dean come, his back arching against the mattress, pushing him deep inside Castiel, and in nearly the same moment, Castiel is blindsided by white light, collapsing onto Dean and grabbing hold of him tightly as he rode out the aftershocks.

 

He must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he knew the sun was peering into the room, and he heard a shower running.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Dean said as he stepped out of the bathroom. Castiel's stomach was sticky and his ass was pleasantly sore, and he couldn’t have felt better.  He sat up and focused on Dean, the sun shining on his bare skin, pulling a smile to Castiel's face.  “Care to join me?” he added, pointing behind him at the shower.  Castiel climbed out of bed and followed Dean into the shower, the warm steam from the water tickling his skin.  They washed each other and shared chaste kisses, both still exhausted from the night before to do much else.  After they got dressed, Castiel made them waffles for breakfast, and they ate in no hurry, simply enjoying each other's company after a hard week.  Castiel felt content, felt at peace with his life for the first time in... well ever.  Dean is telling him some story, mouth half full of waffles, animated and happy and Castiel couldn't help but love him, half chewed food and everything.  

Once they finished eating, Castiel looked over at the large envelope Dean had showed him yesterday, sobering up slightly. He picked it up, pulling the paperwork out, noticing the sticky notes from Sam pointing out what things meant and where Castiel would need to sign.  

"I had Sam look it over, wanted to make sure it was all on the up and up." Dean was quieter now, sensing Castiel's mood had changed.

"That was a good idea, thanks."  He sat in silence for a moment.

"We don't have to do this today," Dean said quietly.

“No, I want to I just... I'd rather he had stayed,” Castiel said softly.  He was too hurt, to stunned that night to have a chance to forgive Gabriel, to let him know he understood what his brother had done for him.  Dean reached out and took his hand.  "I'd rather have Gabriel here than his money."

“Hey, we'll see him again.” Castiel looked into his smiling face, and an image rose up of him and Dean running around a theme park with their own kids, smiling and eating ice cream and being a family. Castiel found himself desperately wanting that, to have that life with Dean.

“We will,” he said with certainty.  

Dean drove them to the bank, holding Castiel's hand the entire time he was waiting for the wealth advisor to see him. When they called Castiel's name, he reluctantly left Dean behind and walked into the office.

“Good morning, Mr. Novak. Your brother said you'd be coming.” The man shook his hand, gesturing for him to sit in front of his desk.

“I brought the papers,” he said, pulling them out.

“Very good. Do you have any questions?” he asked, eyeing the yellow notes. Castiel blushed.

“Sorry my... boyfriend's brother, he's a lawyer. He explained everything to me.” The man nodded.

“Would you like to set up an investment account?” Castiel shook his head.

“No, thanks.” He read one of Sam's notes again. “I'd like to pay the full 30% taxes and take it as a lump sum.” The banker nodded.

“Alright. Just keep us in mind if you decide to open an account.” He handed Castiel one more form. “This is for the deposit, just put down the information of the bank account you'd like to use and we're all set.” Castiel took a deep breath and he got to work signing papers. It was much less work than when they opened the Nerd Haven, so luckily it didn't take long.

“When will the funds be available?” he asked. He'd been meaning to buy a new computer for Charlie's inventory work at the shop, he was hoping after taxes he'd have enough to get her another register too.

“When it's amounts this large, it might take as short as 5 business days, or as long as 15 business days.” He filed the paperwork and started typing on his computer. “I'm going to print you a receipt for the transaction, if you haven't received either the money or word from us in 15 business days, this is what you'll need.” He stood, shaking Castiel's hand. “Congratulations,” he said, turning to his printer and handing him the receipt.

“Thank you,” he said, folding the piece of paper and tucking it into his pocket. He wandered out to the waiting room and Dean stood, walking out to the car with him.

“Not that it matters, but I'm curious. How much?” he asked as they climbed into the car. Castiel hadn't even looked yet.  He pulled the paper out of his pocket.

“I'm not sure. Taxes took 30%, so I don't know what that leaves...” He had been unfolding the receipt as he talked, and when he looked down and saw the amount after taxes he felt his heart nearly stop.  Oh, Gabriel...

“Cas? You okay?” Dean asked. He just handed Dean the piece of paper, unable to speak.  Dean took it. “Jesus H Christ!” Castiel heard him say a moment later.

Gabriel had given him $1,456,980.

_After tax._

“Cas, this is... you're....you've got...” Dean handed him back the receipt. Castiel was grinning, so many thoughts running through his head about what he could do with that money.  He could buy a house, he could totally renovate the Nerd Haven, he could… he found one thing stood out above all the others, and he leaned in across the seat, kissing Dean's shell shocked face. Dean blinked at him. “Cas, I don't... your brother gave you...” He kissed Dean again to quiet him.

“I love you, more than anything in this world,” he said softly. “Even this money.  So don’t think anything is changing.” Dean squeezed his hand.

“Alright, but from now on you’re buying dinner when we go out.” Castiel grinned.

“Deal.”


	10. Today and Every Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG I'M A FLUFF ADDICT!!
> 
> I also love the thought of Jess and Castiel being best friends XD
> 
> BETA'D AND UPDATED

"I don't know...”

“Come on, you promised!” Jessica whined in a soft whisper, quiet enough not to be heard by Dean and Sam in the kitchen.

“All right, all right,” Castiel sighed. “Now or never, I guess.” She grinned, hopping up as quick as she could and holding her baby bump. She was almost eight months along, and she practically glowed, motherhood suiting her greatly. She and Sam refused to tell anyone if they were having a boy or a girl, and it was driving Dean crazy.  He kept coming up with excuses to visit their house, hoping they'd slip up, or leave something out on their counter to give it away. Jess and Sam had moved into a nice house just outside of town about a year ago, thanks to a generous Christmas present from Castiel, and had gotten right to work building that family Dean so desperately wanted his brother to have. Dean had nearly cried in the restaurant when Sam told him the news, his brother's dream he'd fought so hard for finally coming true. He had sobbed happy tears in Castiel's arms that night, and it made Castiel's heart sing seeing Dean that happy. It had actually sparked this idea, and Jess had been his conspiratorial partner in it ever since.

“Where are you two going?” Dean asked, walking out of the kitchen as they headed for the door, eyes narrowing suspiciously. Castiel slipped his shoes on, trying to think of something to tell Dean, his face starting to redden under his gaze.

“Sam's going to have his hands full, soon, we thought we'd give you the day to yourselves,” Jess said quickly, much to Castiel's relief, “A last ‘brother's day’ before the baby.” Even after two years together, Castiel still had never successfully lied to Dean, and he was grateful that Jess was there to help him. She grabbed her coat and Castiel's hand and tugged him towards the door. He shrugged apologetically at Dean as he walked by, sneaking a kiss before he was dragged out the door. Jessica gave Castiel her keys, climbing in the passenger seat.

“Take care of my wife.” Sam called through the front door. He wondered how much Jess had told Sam, and decided not to think too much about it. He was nervous enough being alone with Jessica, the thought of Sam knowing and being alone with Dean...Castiel waved and climbed into the driver's seat, driving them into town.

“It's about time,” she sighed at him, a huge grin on her face. “You've been putting this off for so long I thought you might have changed your mind.” Castiel felt himself blush.

“Never.” he mumbled.  She giggled.

“Sorry I said anything,” she held up her hands in defeat, beaming at him.

“I promised to take you along, doesn't mean you get to watch me with a shit eating grin the whole time.” Still, he felt his own grin creep across his face.

“Sam says Dean's changing, for the better. You're bringing something out of his brother even he's never seen.” He gripped the steering wheel tighter.

“I'm not doing anything, he's doing it himself,” Castiel mumbled.

“No, you're loving him. According to Sam, Dean has never had anything like you in his life before.”  He can feel the burn rising up his cheeks.

“Are you trying to kill us? I might die of embarrassment if you're not careful,” he sighed.  She smirked.

“Sorry, you’re just so cute when you’re flustered.” As they drove by the Nerd Haven, Jess pointed. “How's the Loft doing?” she asked. Castiel had bought and demoed his old apartment above the shop, turning the space into a gathering place for their clientele, and Charlie had been beside herself when he proposed the idea. They had hosted a few events already, and business was doing so well he had to hire two more people.

“It's good. Charlie's got some sort of 'LARPing' thing tonight.” He laughed. “I've never seen her so happy.” He pulled up to their destination, parking the car and taking a deep breath.

“Hey, you've made everyone else happy. Hell, you practically bought our house for us. It's time you made yourself happy.” She reached over and squeezed his hand. “I'm here for you, okay?” He nodded, getting out of the car, walking around to help Jess up. He stood in front of the shop for a moment before Jess slipped her hand into his. “Ready?” she asked.

“Ready.” he said, not really meaning it, he was in no way ready for this. They walked in, and immediately Castiel wanted to run back out. Counters filled with necklaces, rings, bracelets... it was too clean, too real, and a pressure started to push down on him, making it hard to breathe. He was vaguely aware of a store associate asking if they needed help, but Jess deflected her.

“My brother-in-law is going to marry this guy, if he can pull himself together,” she said, smiling sweetly. The associate glanced at Castiel, a small understanding smile on her face.

“Just let me know when you're ready,” she said, walking off to help another customer. Jess led Castiel over to one of the cases, and he felt his steps grow heavy, like his feet didn't want to move, didn't want to carry him closer to the decision he was about to make.

“Hey, take your time,” she breathed, “and relax, it's just a ring.” He glanced at the bands, taking a deep breath and calming his nerves.

“It's not just a ring, but thanks,” he sighed, clinging to her hand like a lifeline. There were so many, all staring at him accusingly. He immediately ruled out the fancy, flashy ones with gems and designs, they weren't anything Dean would wear. It still left a lot to choose from, and he ran a hand over the back of his neck nervously. Who knew this would be so complicated? It was just a ring, like Jess said, right? But this ring represented so much, meant so many things... it had to be perfect. His eyes roved over the case, nothing jumping out at him until…

“There, that one,” he said, pointing. Jess leaned over.

“The black titanium one? With the silver outline?” she asked. He nodded.

“It just feels right,” he said. The sales associate walked back over, noticing Castiel's interest.

“Is there something you'd like to see closer?” she asked. He nodded, pointing.

“That one, please.” She pulled it out, handing it to Castiel.

“Nice choice. On this one we offer engraving options, if you'd like to personalize the band.” Castiel held the ring in his hand, turning it over. His heart was jumping in his chest. Yes, this was the one. He could see it on Dean's hand, see Dean gazing at it with a smile on his face as they said their vows…

“Cas? You okay?” Jess asked. He looked over at her, realizing there were tears in his eyes.

“Yeah, I'm good.” He cleared his throat, wiping his face quickly and looking up at the associate. “I, uh, I don't have an exact size, but I have a measurement.” Castiel had tried for days to find a way to figure out Dean's ring size, and finally had been able to measure his finger with a twist tie and a pen, measuring how much of the tie wrapped around his finger after to get the millimeters. He had told Jess after how it had happened and she had laughed, calling his 'spy work' adorable.

“We can work with that.” The associate smiled sweetly, taking down the measurement Castiel gave her and walking off to get the paperwork ready. Jess squeezed Castiel's shaking hand.

“So, you've done it,” she said, grinning, giving him a kiss on the cheek. “You've picked out a ring.” He smiled.

“Yeah, I have.” His heart beat a few extra times than what was normal.

“And in spite of your terrible ability to lie, he still has no idea,” she teased. “I'd say that you're going to actually surprise him.” He blushed, glancing up as the associate returned.

“Okay, here's the paperwork. We had this ring in the size you needed, so you'll be able to take it home today.” She reached out, a small black box in her hand. He just stared at it, his hand shaking as he reached out for it. Such a small thing, it barely filled his palm, and yet it was everything he and Dean were, everything their life was going to be after that moment. He was vaguely aware of Jess taking his wallet out of his pocket and handing the girl his card to pay, only able to focus on the box in his hand. The associate returned with his card, thanking him. Jess shoved his wallet back in his pocket, taking the box and paperwork, shoving it in his front pocket, guiding him towards the door.

“Hey, wake up, silly,” she said, nudging him once they were outside. The fresh air seemed to wake his brain up a little bit, but the box in his pocket was heavy. He suddenly found himself faced with the realization that he had to propose to Dean, and his nerves caught up with him.

“I can't do this,” he breathed, feeling his stomach contort. “There’s no way, I can’t...The moment I walk into our apartment, Dean's going to know...” Jess placed a soothing hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, c'mon, baby wants ice cream,” she said, patting her belly. He turned, falling in step with her as they walked down the street.

“How am I going to do this?” he sighed. “As soon as I walk in, he's going to notice something's wrong, and then he's going to ask me...”

“You're thinking way too much about this,” Jess sighed, “Don't worry about it, just do it.” They got to the ice cream shop, Castiel buying them each a sundae, and they sat at one of the outside tables to eat. “Did I ever tell you about how Sam proposed?” she asked.

“No, actually,” he said, glad for the change in topic.

“I had a hunch he was going to ask for a few weeks before. He started acting, I dunno, different? Anyway, the night of he's trying to be all romantic, making dinner, playing music, and I can see this coming from a mile away. Anyway, he's trying to work up the courage to ask me and all night something stops him. The food's starting to overcook, my mom calls, the light in the living room goes out, and I'm trying not to laugh at this poor man because he's trying so hard and failing every time.”

“Oh, poor Sam,” Castiel sighs. Jess just grins evilly.

“I know. So anyway, he gives up eventually, and he's so upset, and I just couldn't take this poor man's suffering anymore. So when he gets in the shower, I snoop around in his clothes and find the ring, put it on, and when he gets in bed, I put my hand in front of his face and say 'yes'.” Castiel laughs, he can't help himself.

“The look on his face must have been priceless,” he sighs.

“Oh it was, but the mind blowing sex afterwards was better,” she grinned as Castiel coughed on his ice cream.

“Thanks for that,” he grunts, wiping his face off.

“My point, Castiel, is not to stress over this.” She finished her ice cream and stood, tossing her trash and walking back over to Castiel. “You're going to ask Dean to marry you, he's going to say yes. That's all there is to think about, okay?” He nodded, tossing his own trash and giving her a hug.

“Thanks for this,” he said softly. She squeezed him tight, and winked as he smiled at her sheepishly.

“What are friends for? Now, we have a couple of hours to kill before we can head home without the boys getting suspicious, why don't we go shopping for some baby stuff?” Castiel grinned, offering her his arm.

“All right, let’s go spoil this baby.”

 

A few hours later, he was driving them back home, a handful of bags filled with baby goods and groceries in the trunk. Castiel had a strange sensation running through him, a mixture of nerves and eager anticipation. He knew in his heart Jess was right, he had no need to worry about asking Dean to marry him, but his gut just wouldn't calm down, tossing and turning with nerves. Jess had managed to take his mind off it for a while with shopping, but now it was all flooding in again as he parked the car in front of their building. He unloaded the groceries, following Jess up to the door, trying to keep his face calm in spite of his inner turmoil.

“Honey, I'm home!” she called as they walked in.

“Hey, it's not your home, and I'm not your honey,” Dean said from the couch, a fake gruffness in his voice. Castiel smiled, Jess giving him an encouraging wink.

“Honey, I'm home!” he called, tossing the groceries on the counter.

“That's more like it,” Dean said, walking into the kitchen with a smirk. Judging by the lack of bottles in the recycle bin, Dean hadn't managed to get drunk with his brother, so Castiel would have his work cut out for him. Sam followed his brother into the kitchen, giving Jess a kiss and rubbing her belly.

“How are my girls?” he asked. Dean sputtered into the beer he was drinking and Jess' eyes widened in shock. Castiel grinned, laughing at Dean as he wiped beer off his face. At least Dean would be distracted from Castiel's discomfort for a while.

“Sam!!” Jess slapped him playfully, eyes wide. “Really? After we worked so hard??” Sam flushed, raising his eyebrows at Dean and Castiel.

“Oh, sorry,” he mumbled, “Pretend you didn't hear that?” he asked, the most adorable embarrassed look on his face.  Castiel grinned.

“Too late.” He pointed at Dean.  “He heard you.”  Dean was looking at the two of them in wonder.

“You're having a girl? I'm gonna have a niece?” He looked at Castiel who wasn't the least bit surprised and frowned. “What's up with you, why aren't you more excited?”

“I already knew,” he said simply. All three of them stared at him in shock. “What? Whenever we go shopping, Jess always lingered a bit too long on the girl's things, and only glanced at the boy things...just common sense. Even today she nearly bought some 'My Daughter' memory book thing.”

“See, I knew you were spending too much time together,” Dean said accusingly, pointing between Jess and Castiel.

“Sneaky,” she said to Castiel, her eyes narrowed in mock anger. He just smiled, leaning in and kissing her cheek.

“I try.” Her mock glare broke into a grin.

“Well, try not to tell anyone else,” Jess sighed, rolling her eyes at Sam as she pushed him towards the door. “I'll try and keep his mouth shut a bit better, too.”

“Hey!” Sam said, indignantly.

“We'll see you later!” she called. Castiel followed them to the door, getting a meaningful look of encouragement from Jess before she stepped out. As he closed the door behind them, he was suddenly alone with Dean, and his pulse started to race again.

The box in his pocket was threatening to crush him.

“So, a baby girl,” Dean was musing to himself, a super pleased grin on his face. “Kinda surprised you didn't tell me you knew,” he said to Castiel, leaning over the counter to pull one of the bags of groceries his way and unpack it.

“Well, they obviously wanted to keep it a secret, I thought I would do them a favor.” He shrugged, walking up to the counter where the groceries sat, unpacking his own bag. “I'd rather incur your wrath than Jess', to be totally honest.” he added.  Dean grinned.

“I can see that. What did you two do all day?” Dean asked, it was just casual conversation but the words sounded like an accusation in Castiel's ears.  He focused on putting the groceries away, keeping his face turned from Dean’s.

“Just wandered around town, shopping, getting ice cream.” It wasn't a lie, and he managed to keep his voice steady. “You should see the crowd at the Loft, Charlie's outdone herself tonight.” Dean smiled warmly, adoration in his face.

“Have I told you lately how proud I am of you? You did good this past year,” he said. Castiel blushed, helping Dean with the groceries. Castiel had worked hard not to spend his money all at once. He'd upgraded the shop, he'd given Jess and Sam enough for a down payment on their house, had set aside enough in savings for he and Dean to buy a house one day, and basically had the rest sitting in a fund gathering interest, thanks to Sam's help. Dean kept working with Bobby, just for something to do, and Castiel was glad their life hadn't been changed by his brother’s money. He watched Dean unpacking the last of the groceries, admiring the man he was going to spend the rest of his life with. There was a second fund he'd made, one he hadn't told Dean about. A college fund, enough for two kids... He blushed at the thought, walking past Dean and reaching up into the pantry to put some crackers away, hoping he hadn't seen the flush on his cheeks. He felt Dean's hands on his stomach where his shirt had risen up, exposing his skin. He shuddered under his touch, and as his hands ran up under his shirt, rubbing against his chest Castiel leaned back into him.

“I missed you today,” Dean breathed into his ear, kissing the back of his neck softly.

“You say that everyday,” Castiel sighs, turning his head to meet Dean's lips with his own. Dean smiles down at him, running his hands down over his stomach to his hips to turn Castiel around. The proximity of Dean's hands to his pocket set Castiel's nerves off again, and he pulled back awkwardly, moving to the counter to get the empty bags tidied up. He doesn't need to turn to see the disappointed look on Dean's face. He braces himself for the question he knows is coming next.

“Is everything okay?”

“It's fine,” he says quietly, leaning into the pantry to put their reusable bags away. When he stands and closes the door he can feel Dean's presence behind him.

“Something's up,” he says quietly, and Castiel's mind flashes back to the last time they had a conversation like this, the best and worst day of his life... Castiel takes a deep breath, trying to slow his pulse and steeling himself.

“It's nothing bad, I promise,” he manages to meet Dean's eyes. “I just...” he thinks about the words, about just saying them there, but it doesn't feel right. “Why don't I make us some dinner, okay? I'll tell you about it later.” Dean leans in and kisses him, and Castiel kisses him back warmly, running a hand through Dean's hair. It seems to set Dean at ease slightly, and he drops it.

“Okay, then,” he says with a small confused smile, walking back out into the living room and turning on the TV.

Dinner is muted at best, and Castiel's mood is dropping rapidly. He can tell Dean knows something is wrong, and he's sure he's imagining the worst. But how to reassure him and not just blurt out marry me? Castiel volunteers to do the dishes, just to get out of the room, to have an excuse to focus on something else. He hates his weakness, hates his fear. He's just finished the last plate, lost in his thoughts, when he felt Dean's hands on his back, massaging his shoulders through his shirt.

“What's going on with you tonight?” he said softly, not sounding angry, just worried. Castiel sighed, nearly blurting out the words before catching himself.

“I just... I'm not sure,” he sighed, relaxing into Dean's touch. He wants to let go, to turn and bury himself in Dean, pretend this wasn't eating at him. “I guess I'm just in a weird mood.”

“I can tell,” he said softly, leaning in and kissing the back of his neck. “Is there anything I can do?” he asked. Castiel feels goosebumps run down his arms, and he turns into Dean, wrapping his arms around his neck and holding him close, a desperation in him. Dean hugged him back, leaning him against the counter and placing a soft kiss on his forehead. “Hey, I'm here,” he breathed.

Castiel can feel the box in his pocket, Dean's leg is almost pressing against it, and suddenly he understands what Jess meant about over thinking, about worrying. It doesn't need to be perfect, he realizes. Dean won't care about Castiel making a scene, about how the question is asked. Castiel just needs to muster up the courage to ask it. He leans in and kisses Dean, slipping a hand in his pocket and grabbing the box, holding it tightly in his fist as he wraps his arm around Dean’s shoulders, the fist hidden behind Dean's head.

“Sometimes, like right now, I wish I could lie to you,” he says softly, running his free hand along Dean's chest.

“What's that supposed to mean?” he asks, pulling back slightly and giving Castiel a strange look. Castiel looks up into those bright green eyes, smiling warmly.

“Because then I could take my time, make it perfect, but you'd just see right through me, like you always can.” He pulls his balled fist down to his chest, his heart beating hard against his sternum. “But I love you for that.  You know everything there is to know about me, and you didn't run, you didn't leave me.” He can feel Dean tensing, wondering where Castiel is going with all this, starting to get nervous.  “Dean Winchester,” he breathes, staring into those dazzling green eyes, “I want you to marry me.” He opens his hand, and for a moment Dean just stares at him, not even looking down at the box in his hand.

“You son of a bitch,” he breathes, a grin breaking out across his face. “You beat me to it,” he's laughing, and tears are starting to form in his eyes. It wasn't exactly the response he was expecting, but it was good enough for Castiel.

“I guess that's a yes?” Castiel asks, opening the box and taking out the ring.

“Of course it is,” Dean sighed, taking the ring and sliding it on his finger. He hugs Castiel so tightly he lifts him off his feet, half walking, half dragging him down the hallway towards their bedroom. “So that's what you and Jess have been up to, making secret wedding plans,” he smiles, kissing Castiel's face all over, dropping them on the bed in a heap. Castiel feels his cheeks aching from his smile, his body flying high with happiness.

“I was so nervous, she practically had to buy the ring for me, I could barely keep it together at the store today.”

“I can imagine,” Dean sighed, running a hand over his cheek, a cheeky smile on his face. “God, I'd pay good money to see that.”

“Hey, keep in mind how badly you freaked out at Sam's wedding,” Castiel says, pushing Dean onto his back and climbing on top of him. “I eagerly await seeing how crazy you're going to be for ours. Maybe I'll take bets with Sam to see if you'll show up on time.” He leans in, kissing along his neck. Dean laughs, and it's one of the most beautiful sounds Castiel has ever heard.

“Yeah, well, I'm trying to picture you as a dad, changing diapers and dealing with scraped knees...” Their goofy smiles fade into something warmer, something deeper, and Castiel's kisses stop.

“A dad, huh?” Castiel breaths, staring into those green eyes. So Dean's been thinking about it, too, about them having a family. Dean pulls him in, kissing him softly before pulling back to meet his gaze again, fingers running gently along his jaw.

“You'll be amazing,” he says softly, “I've already told Sam to sign us up for babysitting every weekend he wants,” he grins, running his hand up through Castiel's hair. “Figure we'll use it as practice.” Castiel feels tears start to burn in his eyes, and he buries himself in Dean's embrace, smiling like a fool and feeling giddy.

“I love you, Dean.” It's the same words, but somehow they mean so much more this time. Dean runs a hand through his hair.

“I love you, Castiel.” He sits up, leaning over to the bedside table, and Castiel, expecting something else, is surprised when it's not a bottle of lube in Dean's hand. Instead it's a matching box to the one he just handed Dean. He takes it, leaning back to sit on his heels, wonder in his eyes.

“Dean... what?”

“Like I said, you beat me to it.” He opens the box and slides the ring on Castiel's finger, it's similar to the one he bought Dean, just brushed silver instead of black.

“They almost match, which I find adorable.”

“Great minds...” Castiel's voice is a whisper as he admires the ring on his finger; it fits perfectly, like it had always been there.

“How'd you know what size?” he asks, remembering his difficulty. Dean shrugged.

“I got you drunk and asked.” Castiel blinks at him, blushing.

“I wrapped a twist tie around your finger while you slept.” Dean's laughing, his whole body contorting in glee, and Castiel laughs along, feeling ridiculous. “I've never been good at the whole 'subtle' approach, I guess,” he giggles. Dean runs his fingers through Castiel's, their rings brushing against each other as their palms meet.

Castiel meets Dean's eyes, and sees clear as day, their life together, like he's already lived it. He sees their children, a boy and a girl, sees long weekends as a family on vacation to the beach, he sees those same kids growing up and having families, he sees him and Dean growing old, sitting together on a lazy afternoon, watching the sun set.

“I never thought I'd get to have this,” Dean says quietly, bringing Castiel back to the present. “I always worried about Sam being happy, I never worried about myself.” Castiel leaned down and kissed him.

“That's what I'm here for,” he sighs, kissing down Dean's neck, “to take care of you.” Dean flips them, kneeling over Castiel kissing him with a ferocity that immediately sends warmth to his groin. Castiel leans into the kiss, reaching down and pulling off Dean's shirt, sitting up slightly to fumble with his own.

“I love you, Cas.” Dean breathes into his ear. Castiel finally pulls his shirt off, leaning up to Dean and taking his bottom lip in his teeth.

“Show me,” he growls softly. Dean needs no more urging, leaning into Castiel's body below him, their hips slotting together perfectly, finding their home together in each other's embrace.  That night, Dean manages to bring Castiel to climax once with his mouth, and a second time as Castiel rides Dean to his own peak.  He could sit there in that moment forever, wrapped up in Dean's arms tightly, the afterglow bathing him in a soothing warmth. Dean's eyes bore into his, a smile on his lips, and Castiel smiles back, knowing in that look, they both say all they ever needed to say.


	11. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG Thank you to all of you who stuck with me to the end!! Sorry it took over a week to post the last chapter, but life happens.
> 
> I'm already brainstorming my next fic, I can't wait to share it with you! It's called This Is Our Songbook and I've already started posting some here. It would be AMAZING if you guys went and gave it a read!! XD
> 
> See you soon!
> 
> BETA'D AND UPDATED!!

"You promise you're not eloping, right? I've put way too much effort into this wedding of yours,” Jess asked, clinging to Castiel's hands tightly. He nodded.

“I promise. There's just something I have to do. We'll be back in plenty of time.” She smiled warmly, pulling him into a hug.

“Text us when you get there, alright?” He nodded, kissing her on the cheek.

“We will.” He walks over to Dean, who's sitting on the floor of Sam and Jess' living room with a six month old Elizabeth Winchester, drawing coos and giggles from her. No one could make her laugh like Dean could, and sometimes Castiel swore the feigned jealousy in Sam's voice was real. Dean looks up when Castiel walks in.

“Time to go?” he asks. Castiel nods, smiling at the sight of his future husband playing with his niece. Dean stands, bending to pick up Elizabeth, kissing her forehead and handing her to Jess reluctantly.

“Thanks, Dean,” she says, settling Elizabeth on her hip. Dean pokes Elizabeth gently in the tummy, earning another smile.

“Okay, kiddo, see you in a few days.” He says, smiling at her. He leans in and gives Jess a hug. “And you too, I suppose.”

“You drive safe, okay?” she kisses Dean's cheek. He smiles, winking.

“I'll try, but me and Baby on the open road...”

“Sam's told me stories,” Jess sighs. Sam was at work, Castiel and Dean had stopped by his office earlier to have lunch and say goodbye. Dean casts one final fond look at Elizabeth before gathering his coat and heading for the door.

“See you in a few days,” Castiel says, smiling. She follows him to the door, waving and closing it behind him. Castiel and Dean climb into the Impala, and Dean starts her up, smiling at the sound of the engine.

“I'm sorry it's been so long, Baby, but we're road tripping again.”

“Should I step out, give you two a private moment?” Castiel asks casually. Dean pats the dashboard.

“Don't listen to him, he's just jealous.” Dean pulls out of Sam's driveway and turns them towards the open road. They drive in silence for a short while on their way out of Sam's neighborhood, up until Dean stops at their last turn for the interstate. He reaches over and takes Castiel's hand.

“You sure? We can always stay, hide away from the wedding fervor.”

“I'm ready for this, Dean,” he says quietly.

“I know, Cas.” Dean says, giving his hand a final squeeze and driving out onto the open road.

Castiel was going home.

He hadn't been back there in almost four years now, and had sworn he would never go back when he had left. Knowing about his Dad changed everything for him, including his relationship with Gabriel. For years he'd been distant, resentful, but now, he wanted to try and mend their relationship. It was slow going, but they were making some progress. He'd exchanged letters with Gabriel, learning tidbits about his life in France, working teaching English at a school. Gabriel had also told him where their Dad was buried, even without Castiel asking. They had sent him a wedding invitation, but Castiel hadn't heard back since, so he wasn't sure if he even received it, let alone would come.

He had spent almost an entire day talking to Dean about this trip home, and Dean had agreed it would do Castiel some good to say goodbye to his Dad properly. Castiel had drawn into himself as the trip grew closer, trying to think about what he would do or say when he got there. Jess and Charlie had been helping them with wedding plans, making sure they would have everything taken care of when they came back. If everything went according to plan, they would arrive back home a few days before the wedding, so they made sure as much as possible was in order before they left. Their tuxes were hanging in their closet, the cake was ordered, the venue arranged, they were as ready as they were going to be.

Castiel's old home was about an 8 hour drive away, so he settled into the passenger seat for a nap once they were on the road. He dozed off, but his old playground dream startled him out of sleep after only a few hours. Dean reached out, resting his hand on his knee.

“Hey, you need a break?” he asks softly.

“No, I'm okay.” Castiel sat up to get more comfortable in the seat. “Let me know if you want me to drive for a while.” Dean smiles.

“Hey, it's Baby, going to take a longer trip than this to get me out of the driver's seat.” Castiel smiles, turning his gaze outside the window, watching the towns and trees pass. The green blur of the trees passing by lulls him back to sleep again, and this time he sleeps peacefully. They stop for food and gas about five hours in, on the road again after only an hour break to stretch their legs. In a few more hours, Dean pulls into their hotel for the night, just outside the city. Castiel wanted to stay somewhere in the city, since they could afford it, but Dean argued he'd feel uncomfortable in a big fancy hotel, so they settled for a suite at a Doubletree, Castiel making a point of taking the free cookies before Dean could when they checked in, smirking at Dean's pout.

The room was nice, and Castiel ordered them some room service for dinner, which they ate in near silence. Dean seemed to sense Castiel needed to think, and Castiel was grateful, Dean's presence being enough by itself. When Dean got in a shower, Castiel wandered to the window, looking out at the place he had once called home from their top floor suite. The buildings, the roads, it was all familiar and yet so alien to him now. Dean came up behind him, wrapping his slightly damp arms around Castiel's stomach and hooking his chin over Castiel's shoulder. Dean smiles at Castiel's reflection in the window

“What's on your mind, hm?” he says softly. Castiel leans back against him, taking a deep breath before answering.

“I don't belong here, Dean. It's not my home anymore.” Dean squeezed him, his touch giving Castiel confidence to speak his mind. “I never felt like I really belonged before either. Raphael... he made my life difficult at best, and downright miserable at worst. Gabriel took the brunt of his anger, but I could still see the way Raphael hated me. When your own family hates you, it's hard to feel like you're home.” His chest starts growing tight as the painful memories surface, but when they threaten to overwhelm him he feels Dean kiss his shoulder, a hand tracing lazy circles on his stomach, and he's pulled back.

“Let's get some sleep, ok?” Dean says quietly. Castiel takes a brief shower and allows himself to be pulled to bed, naked but for his boxers. Dean in his pajamas leans against the pillows, pulling Castiel to him, wrapping him up completely in his embrace, his warmth against Castiel's back soothing him into a peaceful sleep.

 

They drive into town the next day, past old schools and old hang outs, through streets Castiel used to play on. It's a surreal experience, because with his new knowledge of Raphael's actions, it's like his memories weren't real. As they drive past, he finds himself saying goodbye; goodbye to the elementary school where he made his first friend, to the grocery store where the clerk would give him chocolates two for the price of one. To the library where Raphael had beat him for applying for a job, since no brother of his would be simple librarian. Good and bad memories flow through him, and he silently leaves them behind. They make it to the cemetery, following the directions Gabriel gave them to get to his father's tombstone. Dean parks the car as close as they can, and when the engine shuts off the silence is deafening. Castiel looks out at the line of gray stones, trying to decide if he's really ready to say goodbye. Dean gets out of the car, walking to Castiel's side and opening the door. Reluctantly he stands up, shutting the door to the car behind him.

“Want a few minutes alone?” Dean asks quietly. Castiel shook his head, taking Dean's hand. Together they walk down the line, slowly, Dean letting Castiel set the pace. He's suddenly so grateful to Dean in that moment, that he has this rock standing beside him to keep him from crumbling. They reach his father's stone, nothing written on it but his name and the dates that mark the boundaries of his life here on earth. Castiel reaches out, touching the cold marker with shaking fingers.

“I hated you,” he breathed. He wasn't sure where the words were coming from, but they flowed like he had planned and rehearsed saying them his whole life. “I fucking hated you for leaving me. You left, and I was stuck with Raphael, and his cruelty, and his judgment. I waited desperately for you to come home so I could tell you just how much it hurt...” He inhales deeply. “Then I found out... and I hated myself for hating you, for wasting all this time blaming you for leaving when...” His knees grow weak, and he kneels, leaning on the stone. “The funny thing is, I don't hate Raphael, not anymore. I did at first, so much... I know I still should, that he's the reason all this happened, but I... I can't do it. I think I'm done hating.” He reaches out for Dean's hand, and Dean takes it, tears shining in his fiance's eyes, but none in his own. “I'll never know how you'd feel, knowing I'm in love with a man, I wasn't old enough. But I like to think you'd be proud of who I've become, what I've accomplished, and I couldn't have gotten this far without him. Without Dean... I wouldn't be me, not the me I wanted to be my whole life. He's a good man, Dad.” His voice fades.

He's run out of words, so he stands up slowly, leaning on Dean's arm as he pulls himself up. He turns from his father's tombstone, and doesn't look back, putting it behind him like he has the rest of the city. Dean drives them back through town in silence, giving Castiel his space. As they pass by his old street, where they had last lived with his Dad, Castiel suddenly makes his mind up about something.

“Hey, turn here,” he says, pointing. Dean turns, not saying anything about the sudden change in direction. Castiel directs him through a few more turns, and when they reach the end of the street, his heart nearly stops. The park where he and Gabriel had played had been torn down shortly after that fateful October day, but here it was, right where it used to be, rebuilt almost to the last detail, minus the giant oak tree. A new tree had been planted in its place, still young and small but healthy and vibrant, full of life. Castiel climbs out of the car, walking over to the fenced in area. A plaque out front reads:

_Old Oak Park_

_Thanks to a generous donation from_

_Gabriel Novak_

Gabriel rebuilt their park. The tears he didn't shed at his father's grave are falling now, cleaning away the bad memories, and leaving nothing but fond times playing with his brother, before everything went to hell. He opens the gate and walks inside, over to the swing where he had been sitting when the car pulled up. He reaches out a hand to touch the cold metal, knowing it's not the same set from his childhood, but running his shaking fingers down the chipped paint he can see it in his mind's eye. He feels Dean's presence behind him, his hand covering Castiel's shaking hand against the metal with his own.

“Hey, it's okay, Cas. I'm here.” Castiel turned from the swings, smiling at Dean. Dean kissed his forehead. “I'll always be here.”

“I'm ready to go home,” he said. He turned from the playground, walking with Dean to the Impala.

 

Later that night, they laid together in bed, watching reruns on TV. Dean was resting his head in Castiel's lap, and Castiel was running his fingers lazily through Dean's hair. He felt lighter than he had in years. No more thoughts of his broken home, no more feeling like he could never crawl out from under it. Dean's breathing was slowing, he was falling asleep under Castiel's touch. He turned off the TV and the light, sliding down so Dean was laying on his chest.

“Hmm,” Dean mumbled, wrapping his arm around Castiel. He smiled, kissing Dean's forehead.

“When we get back, we're getting married,” Castiel whispered. Dean hummed sleepily, not quite awake anymore. He buried his nose in Dean's hair, smiling as sleep started to pull at him.

He was about to marry Dean Winchester.

 

He was oddly numb the morning of the wedding, his body moving on its own, getting dressed, gathering his things, eating breakfast. Jess is hovering around him in a stunningly beautiful gown of deep blue, Elizabeth dressed in a frilly infant version of the same dress sitting on her hip. He spent the night at Sam's with her, sleeping in their spare room, while Sam stayed at his and Dean's apartment, Dean being adorable about 'wedding night traditions'. He refused to look at Castiel's tux, refused to let Castiel see his, and it brought a smile to Castiel's face.

“Okay, that's everything on the checklist. Ready to head over?” Jess asks. Castiel stands up from the kitchen table.

“Just one moment,” he says, walking into the bathroom. His tux is black, but the cummerbund, tie, and pocket kerchief match the blue in Jess' dress. Their wedding colors were blue and green, again Dean's idea, but Castiel didn't mind. If the color of Dean's tux was the same as the decorations they'd picked out he could only imagine what his eyes would look like. His own were almost painfully accented by the blue he was wearing, and he smirked when he pictured the look on Dean's face when he saw him, knowing how much he loved drowning in Castiel's eyes. He walked out of the bathroom, gathering up Elizabeth's diaper bag for Jess.

“You're getting married,” she grinned, and Elizabeth seemed to coo in agreement. He nodded.

“I will if we ever get there,” he smiled back. Jess drove them back into town, chatting excitedly about how she and Charlie had been down to the reception hall yesterday, and that everything was ready so Charlie could attend the service. She talked about people close to Sam and Dean who'd be in town, and about how lucky they were the day turned out to be as beautiful as it was. Castiel just nodded in agreement, unable to form words.

Castiel had proved Dean wasn't the only romantic sap in their relationship, he had suggested they get married in the park, where they had been on their first 'date'. Dean enthusiastically agreed to the idea, and even though outdoor weddings got complicated, Jess was right, their luck had held out, and it was a beautiful sunny day. As they pulled in, Castiel noted the two tents set up just behind a gathering of chairs, an aisle running down the middle. One tent had green ribbon tied to the flap, the other blue, so he headed towards the blue one, smiling and nodding as people cheered and wished him luck. He ducked inside the tent and sighed, he was alone at last. His phone buzzed after just a moment and he groaned.

_D: Heard you arrive._

He grinned.

_C: Not surprised. They say your wedding is your day, but really I think these people are just here for the food._

_D: LOL. Ellen and Jo made it._

_C: Good. Hannah and Benny are here. Haven't seen Charlie or Kevin yet. Amelia is watching the store, but I promised I'd close for the reception._

_D: So everyone's here. Castiel sighed._

_C: Not everyone... Dean took a moment to respond._

_D: Sorry, Cas. We'll just have to go see him._

Castiel smiled at Dean's words but any further texts were cut off by Charlie bursting into his tent and jumping in his arms in spite of her large green dress and heels.

“I'm so proud of you!” she said gleefully. He hugged her, a smile on his face.

“Thank, Charlie. For everything.”

“Hey, someone had to take care of the tiny details, don't wanna stress the grooms.” She let him go, fixing his tux where she'd wrinkled it. “Wait till you see Dean, you might have to jump him right there on the altar.” Castiel blushed and laughed.

“I'll try to keep it strictly to eye sex for everyone's benefit.”

“I'm starting to regret sitting in the front row.” She looked at her watch. “It's almost showtime, you ready?” Castiel nodded. She leaned in and kissed his cheek, rushing out of the tent in a flurry. It was only a few more minutes, and the music that meant Castiel needed to leave the tent started playing. He took a deep breath and stepped out, his eyes focused on one thing and one thing only.

Dean.

He was standing with his back to him, even though he didn't have to, and Castiel could read the tenseness in his shoulders. Sam was standing beside him, looking down at Castiel with a huge smile on his face. Charlie walked up beside him, sliding her arm in his. Together they walked down the aisle, the happy faces of their friends shining up as he walked by, but he didn't turn his head, didn't break his gaze away from Dean's back. Charlie stepped to the side as they reached the end of the aisle, and finally, slipping his hand in his, Dean turned.

Castiel's knees nearly gave out, Dean was so beautiful, the green in his tux perfectly mirroring the glow in his eyes. The tux fit perfectly, hugging every line of his body, and he'd even styled his hair, probably Charlie's influence. He saw Dean's eyes widen when he looked at him, feeling his gaze slide over Castiel appreciatively. Castiel smiled, giving Dean a small wink, and they turned to the officiate. Castiel and Dean decided not to do vows, neither of them were any good speaking in front of crowds, but two nights ago they had read each other what they would have said, and as the official talked, Castiel was hearing Dean's words instead.

_Where do I even begin? We've only known each other for a few short years, and I feel like I was waiting for you my whole life. I was mistrusted, I was a loner, and no one took the time to understand me... until you. You looked at me and were able to see me, and I didn't realize how much I needed something like that in my life. I've loved you, I love you, and I will keep loving you until the end of time._

Castiel replayed his own words in his mind, saying them again as he stared into Dean's eyes.

_Both of us, in our lives, have known tragedy, more than most people should endure. In our own way, we were both running from that tragedy. I had no one, no one in my life who understood, until I met you. I didn't want to believe it at first, I fought against it for as long as I could, but you were under my skin and you were never getting out. I think I was meant to love you, and I'm beyond happy you loved me in return._

“I do,” Dean was saying, sliding a ring on his finger. Castiel was brought back into the present, reaching out to Charlie and feeling her drop the ring in his hand.

“And do you, Castiel, take Dean as your husband? To love and to hold, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?”

“I do,” he smiled, sliding a ring onto Dean's finger and squeezing his hand tight.

“I now pronounce you husband, and husband.” The official smiled. “I think you know what to do next.” Dean didn't hesitate, he leaned in and kissed Castiel, wrapping him up in his arms as a smattering of applause and cat calls came their way.  When they pulled away, Dean rested his forehead on Castiel's.

“I love you,” Dean breathed, grinning.

“I love you, too,” Castiel smiled back.

 

They spent an hour taking pictures, exchanging small talk, being at the mercy of everyone else around them until finally, they were able to slip away to the Impala to head to the reception at the Loft. Halfway there, Dean drove them off the main road, out of the way down an alley, stopping the car. Before Castiel could ask him why they stopped Dean was on him, kissing him hard, his hands pulling desperately at Castiel's jacket.

“God, you are so fucking gorgeous,” he gasped, resting his forehead against Castiel's. Castiel ran a hand up the back of Dean's neck, trying not to rip into Dean's clothes.

“Dean...” he sighed, taking a deep breath. “Your family, our friends... Probably don't want to see us sexed up.” Dean leaned back.

“Yeah, I know, I just...” He's smiling at Castiel, his cheeks flush and his eyes shining.

“If it makes you feel any better...” He runs his hand down Dean's chest, straightening his tie. Dean swallows hard. “I can't stop staring at your ass in those pants.” Dean leans in and kisses him again, chastely.

“Well, here's to hoping we can wait till tonight,” he sighs, starting the car and getting them on their way again. They pull up to the Nerd Haven, climbing out of the car and greeting Sam at the curb. Dean kisses Castiel on the cheek.

“I'll be up in a minute,” Castiel says. He walks into the shop, and Amelia already has the place mostly shut down for the day.

“Look at you, boss,” she says, “you dress up nice.” He smiles.

“Thanks, Amelia. As soon as you're done you can head upstairs.” She nods, smiling and he steps into the back room briefly. He'd stashed Dean's present in here the day they had returned from their trip, this was going to be the only chance he had of sneaking off by himself. The only problem was he had been in a hurry when he hid it, and couldn't remember which drawer it was in. As he bent over the desk searching, he heard movement behind him.

“You had a lovely ceremony.” Castiel spun around, nearly ripping the drawer he had been opening out of the desk. That voice…

“You came,” he said, his voice trembling. Gabriel was wearing a simple suit, his hair was longer than Castiel remembered, but he seemed more relaxed, more himself.

“Of course I came,” he smirked, walking up to Castiel and fixing his tie. “I wouldn't miss this for anything.” His expression turns serious. “I've been waiting over 20 years to see you happy.” Castiel hugs him, and after a few awkward moments, Gabriel hugs him back.

“Cas? Amelia says you came in here...” Charlie walks in the office, and stops suddenly, a strange look on her face at finding Castiel alone hugging a strange man. It's the first time Castiel has seen her speechless. Castiel releases Gabriel and walks up to her.

“Charlie, hey, I'd like you to meet someone,” he says, pulling her closer. “This is my brother, Gabriel.” She blinks at the name, then blinks at Gabriel.

“You- you're....”

“Gabriel, hey. I've heard a lot about you from Castiel's letters. Thanks for sticking with my brother so long.” She blushes, turning to Castiel.

“Does Dean know?”

“I didn't know until a few moments ago.” Castiel goes back to the desk, finding Dean's present and sliding it in his pocket. “What do you say we go surprise him?” He turns to Gabriel, who seems hesitant. “What's wrong?”

“I don't want to intrude. I was going to head out after seeing you.” Castiel felt his face fall.

“Please, Gabe,” he's shaking his head. “You're family, please... don't leave again, not like last time.” He doesn't want to cry, he shed those tears over a year ago, but they're threatening to overwhelm him again, blurring his vision.

“Cassie, don't do that,” he sighs, “Don't let me ruin your day, not today.”

“Don't you get it? Leaving would ruin his day!” Charlie chimed in from across the office, her arms crossed over her chest. “He needs his brother,” she added, walking up to Gabriel and getting in his face. “He wants you to be here, his family, on his wedding day. Why is that so hard to understand?!” Castiel blinked, watching the silent battle of wills taking place in his office. After a moment, Gabriel looked up at Castiel, his usual smirk back on his face.

“You've got some good friends,” he said, walking up and patting him on the shoulder. Castiel nodded.

“I do,” he said. “And one of them is now my husband, and probably wondering where I've gone.”

“Let's not keep him waiting,” Gabriel says quietly. Together, the three of them head upstairs. Castiel walks through the door that used to lead to his apartment, the door where Dean had sat and waited for him, the apartment where Dean had told him he cared. Now it was an open space, a small bar built into the far corner, a small stage, and at the moment, decorated in blues and greens, filled with family and friends. Dean spotted him as he walked in, walking up.

“I was wondering if you...” his gaze traveled over Castiel's shoulder, spotting Gabriel. His eyes widened, and Castiel slid an arm around his waist. “He's... you...”

“Nice to see you too, Dean-o.” Gabriel reached out his hand, and Dean shook it vigorously. Sam and Jess walked up, Elizabeth in Sam's arms, and Castiel made introductions. It was surreal, seeing Gabriel here with Dean's family, like a dream he only half thought would ever come true. As Gabriel and Elizabeth were introduced, Dean came up beside Castiel, leaning close.

“Hey, you okay?” he said, a soft smile on his face. Castiel nodded.

“Yeah, I just...” He stuck his hand in his pocket and felt Dean's gift, smiling to himself. “I've never felt better.” Dean nodded, kissing his forehead.

“Well, we've got some cake to eat, some toasts to receive, then we're home free.”

“Home free, huh?” Castiel said with a wink, reaching down and grabbing Dean's ass. Dean jumped, blushing furiously and Castiel laughed, walking over to help Sam get Elizabeth's hands untangled from Gabriel's hair.

 

 _Who knew a wedding could be so exhausting_?  The reception had ended almost an hour ago, but by the time everyone had said their goodbyes and they’d cleaned up as best they could, Castiel was beat.

Sam and Jess walked to the door, Elizabeth asleep in her carrier, a box of miscellaneous decorations and things in Sam's arms.  Castiel is turning off the last of the lights, leaving the cleaning up for later at Charlie's request.

“We'll hang onto these for you, just come get them whenever,” Sam said, hefting the decorations a little higher on his hip.

“Thanks, Sam.” Dean led the way and Castiel locked up behind them as they made their way downstairs. Gabriel was standing outside, waiting. Castiel hugged Jess, patting Sam on the shoulder.

“I'll see you later,” he said. He walked up to Gabriel. “You're leaving?”

“Yeah. Back to France. I'm starting to like it there,” he said quietly, a smile on his face. “You'll come visit when you get the chance right?” Castiel nodded.

“Definitely.”

“And you'll bring your kids along?” Castiel blushed but smiled.

“We will.” This time Gabriel pulls him into a hug.

“Take care, Cassie.” He walks off to his car, and Castiel watches till he drives away. Dean comes up behind him, a comforting hand on his lower back.

“Let's go home,” he says softly. Castiel nods.

“Hey Dean?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I drive?” He shrugs, handing Castiel the keys. They climb into the Impala and head out, Castiel driving them towards their apartment. Dean starts to doze, and Castiel takes the opportunity to turn them away, towards their new destination. He's smiling to himself, though to be honest he hasn't stopped smiling all night. He's drunk on happiness, on having this life with Dean, having his brother back. He's pulling into a nice neighborhood, just a mile down from Sam's house. He pulls into a driveway, gently shaking Dean awake.

“Hmm?” He sits up and looks around, frowning at the unfamiliar location. “Cas, where are we?” Castiel pulls the envelope out of his pocket, handing it to Dean. The dim orange light from the street lamp is just enough to read by, and he watches Dean break the seal and pull out the paper. Dean's eyes travel over the words, widening before filling with tears.

“Welcome home,” Castiel says quietly.

“You... you bought... a house?” Dean was utterly perplexed. “How'd... you've... I had no idea!”

“I know,” Castiel leaned over, kissing his forehead. “I kept it a secret by not keeping secrets.” Dean just frowned, a puzzled look on his face. “Remember, about three months ago, we were talking about if we'd want a pool. A few weeks before that we decided that we wanted four bedrooms, and an office. You mentioned wanting an island kitchen counter, I wanted a garden...” Dean blinked as the realization dawned on him.

“You remembered all that?” he asked. “Cas, those were just... we were just talking. I didn't think...” Dean went to crumple the envelope, but paused, pulling a key out of the paper. He got out of the car quickly, Castiel following at a slower pace, walking up to the door behind Dean who was holding the key in the lock, like he was afraid to turn it. Castiel placed his hand over Dean's turning the key with him and stepping inside their home.

“I bought some furniture, I figure we'll use what we have to furnish the rest of the house.” There was some sparse furniture in the living room and a dining room table, but the rest of the house was still mostly empty. Dean turned around, tears in his eyes.

“It's... it's perfect.” Dean gasped, leaning his head on Castiel's shoulder. “God, how do I deserve you,” he sighed. Castiel ran his hand through Dean's hair.

“You haven't even seen the best part yet,” he whispered, pulling back and taking Dean's hand. He led him towards the bedroom, opening the door. Their entire bedroom set had been moved in already, Castiel had arranged movers for while they were at the wedding, and Dean laughed. He wrapped his arms around Castiel, burying him in kisses.

“I will never get over how amazing you are,” he says softly. Castiel smiles, holding him close.

“Well, we have the rest of our lives...”

 

***********

**Epilogue**

 

“Hey, Cas, we got a letter from Mary today,” Dean called, walking through the door. Castiel looked up from the book he was reading, adjusting the glasses on his nose, a souvenir from getting old.

“She's only been gone for two weeks, she must had written the moment she got there,” he said, smiling as Dean flopped down on the couch next to him. He scans over their nine year old daughter's neat handwriting, smiling at her description of 'grumpy Uncle Gabriel' complaining that she wanted to spend a few days at the Louvre. She was smart, almost too smart for her fathers at times.

“Where's Alex?” Dean asked. Castiel leaned on his shoulder, cuddling into him.

“Sam took him and Henry out today,” he sighed, as Dean's arm wraps around him. Alex had just turned eleven, and he was becoming more and more like Dean every day, the attitude, the smirk. He had been born only a month apart from his cousin Henry, and the boys were as close as brothers.

“So we've got the day to ourselves today,” Dean smiles into Castiel's hair. “Just the two of us.” Castiel slides his fingers into Dean's.

“Want to go to the park?” he asks softly. He feels Dean's smile.

“Okay.”

 

The familiar purr of the Impala vibrates through the seat Castiel is sitting on as they pull into the park.  Dean turns off the car as Castiel grabs the cooler out of the backseat.  With a soft smile, they turn and head towards the secret path.  They climb through the trees, up the hill to their spot, a sharply defined path now worn through the trees by their feet. Dean lays out the blanket and Castiel sits, pulling two beers out of the cooler and handing one to Dean.

“It's been 15 years,” he points out, sitting next to Castiel. “15 years since you brought me up here and changed me.” Castiel smiles, kissing Dean's cheek.

“I didn't change you,” he says softly, “I found you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave some Kudos and Comments! I love hearing what you all think!


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